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Andromeda

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  1. Wow, Thanks a lot for this e-mail. You rock man! I will ponder on those words. Very much so. Take care, Etienne
  2. Hello again, I recently thought quite a bit about some of what you said. In fact this comment "Do what is in my best interest" is simple but so effective. I can´t believe I didn´t think of that sooner. I have recently done what is in my best interest (with some very good results!) This sentence from Rand also often comes to mind: "There is no such thing as contradictions. If you are experiencing one, check your premises." I realise this sentence does indeed represent reality. Here´s an example (if it´s too long for your standards, feel free to edit). Today was my final exam to become an english teacher. To tell you the truth, I nailed it. Hard. I´ve always been gifted for languages and am very competent teacher (by my standards of course, I still trying to figure out adjectives if not by your own standards). So anyway, I´ve been studying hard the last month and I really did well on the exam. Here´s the thing though. I didn´t want to tell anyone else. I felt strange. Everyone was complaining that the exam was too hard, but I thought it was just so easy. A lot of the students were depressed and angry about it. But the thing is, most of them didn´t study until the last few days! They are completely responsible for their failures. Completely! Now, am I being heartless? I just don´t pity people, never! But I find myself unable to be happy about my success, well not happy, but you know, satisfied. People were asking me how I found it and I almost felt bad saying that It was so goddamn easy. Here´s my question. Is it boasting to say that you´re good in something. I´m pretty good in arts, sports, languages, psychology and other things. But I feel bad saying so. Not as much as I used to, but I still do. Is part of loving yourself feeling pride? Do they go hand in hand? Can one live without the other? Pretty good questions eh? Still, about the contradictions. I think I´m handsome. But I sometimes can´t find the courage to walk up to the girl and talk to her. I am much more assertive than I used to, which does feel really good (ego wise). I´m also funny and interesting. I keep telling myself, reality isn´t dangerous, it´s our perception of it which is. So, you know, I also repeat myself, that nobody has authority over my mind and not I won´t hand over my self-esteem in the hands of others. But I still do, that´s the thing. Some day I don´t, but the next day I do! What I am trying to say is that those very potent concepts are difficult to integrate. Now, what do you think is the best way to integrate a new idea, concepts, perception of things? Self-repeatition? I really am clueless on the matter. If only I could find ways to modify my subconscious, to really integrate those awesome philosophies (optimism, objectivism) and other ideas. I do feel Objectivism is harsh at times. I do sometimes feel good trying to love people who don´t really bring anything. What could this be, altruism? I do feel better though and it is partly because of your advices. I do thank you for that. I did notice a huge improvment. There are days when I really feel a love for myself, deep down, like the rebirth of a long dead phoenix. Tell I feel so calm, nothing can hurt me. Hell, my IQ goes through the roof when I´m like that. I will be reading your comments with great interest, as always. Andromeda.
  3. I´ve had my messages vanishing twice now. I have no clue as to what is happening. This being said, I´ll think about what you said and I´ll get back to you. Etienne
  4. Ok, for some reason my last reply didn´t turn up. Doesn´t matter. Thank you for all the replies. I´ll take the time to answer each question to the best of my ability. It´s the least I can do now isn´t. True, I believe. Not so much that I don´t feel they´re right or wrong. It´s more like I´m not used to that feeling of comfort within myself, which is probably why I shy away from it. This being said, I am getting to like loving myself (in those moments which I do feel that way). Cause I do feel ok being who I am sometimes. I would say close to 40-50% of the time, maybe more. I´m saying this because I don´t want to withdraw from facts, I´d rather approach them and learn from them. Sa basically, to be honest, I do feel ok with those new states of mind. Like you mentioned, I have trouble applying those principles all the time. This is something that will take time, I suppose. I do do that, sometimes. It´s really a great feeling when I do. So that´s the thing, I think I should trust my feelings cause I do feel good when I pay attention to my needs (sleeping, eating) instead of denying them. I´ve read Atlas Shrugged, the Fountainhead and introduction to epistemology. I certainly hope so. I´ve set my mind to it though. I will not give up. Never. No, none at all. At all. The only gain I can picture is that it gives me a bit of security, albeit unhealthy security. That´s the only advantage I can find. I am very conscious of my thoughts however, aware so to speak because I do lots of meditation. Correct. Whenever I feel good about who I am, their approval doesn´t matter. Like yesterday, I went out with some people. I decided I would be myself and just have fun. It turns out I had a great time. I just stopped caring and people were coming to me. You know, when I read that comment about responsible for the converstations, I realised I wasn´t giving anything. No wonder I wasn´t getting anywhere. 70% of the time, roughly. I still do it. But less than I used to. Much less. It used to be that way all the time. I´m glad to notice some kind of improvement. Kind of gives you the impression you´re going somewhere ya know. Makes a lot of sense. I´ll keep that in mind, thank you. Well, it´s more like I am doing things which do me harm and I don´t understand why. There´s people around so I can´t continue just now. I´ll tell you more soon.
  5. Listen, I just wanted to drop by for a quick thank you for your replies. It does mean a lot to me. I´ll write some more later on, something great happened yesterday and I want to keep you informed. It´s the least I can do for all those wonderful advices. A.
  6. Hello all, I haven´t posted here for a long time, but I still kept Objectivism at the back of my mind. I found that studying and reading about philosophy wasn´t actually making a difference in the long run. It just led to more questions and confusion. The more complex things got, the more I read. Philosophy actually leads to more and more questions. I think one of the greatest scam out there is to believe that reading about something is solving something. I think reading about something does give you an idea as to what you´re supposed to explore or investigate next. Well, I´ll try to explain my principles here, what I believe is true, to me that is. 1) Knowledge about some psychological issue can help you to discover a solution, but is not sufficient by itself. 2) Action of some sort is required. And that´s something I completely buy. Really. For example, I don´t waste any of my time. I study so much, you wouldn´t believe it. I´m taking this formation just now, and I´m really working my ass off. But for some reason, it´s not enough, it´s not enough to satisfy the objectives I´ve set myself. Note that I´m not complaining, it´s just that there´s something I just don´t get. I thought that if someone read about that, they might give me some insight. Some idea of what I´m supposed to feel that blissful self-love. I feel so unfortable with other people. It´s kind of like anxiety. But you know what, I want to change. That´s something I´ve really set my mind to. Really. I know, I shouldn´t come crying if I put my self-love into the hands of other people. Then why the fuck do I do it? I know I should stick to what I have, to what I achieved, to what works. Then why the f do I do the complete opposite. Why is it that I rationaly know that I should do, but I don´t? If anyone could explain this to me, it would be a gift from the gods. Is it related to what Rand was saying about the mind driving the machine (body). Like don´t cry if you choose to adopt certain kind of attitudes that lead you nowhere? Why then, do I adopt those negative attitudes? I´m much better now, I don´t adopt self-destructive attitudes, like I used to. But I still do. Why? Logically, I should look at the bright side of things, take some pride in what I do best, be proud of the fact that I am a hard worker and study hard. Develop some love for who I am. There was an actress on television once. She seemed really confortable being who she was. She said she got cancer at some point and decided that now was the time to love herself. She was 50 or something. I don´t want to wait until I´m 50 years old to love myself. I just don´t. But even if I read shitloads about the subject, I seem to be improving but rather slowly. You know what makes me the saddest? The thing that really makes me sad, beyond words almost. Is when I look at myself doing things that are destroying my life. I feel like I´m out of control of my own mind sometimes. You know, I´m hard working. If I set my mind on something, I usually work for it until I get it. But for that spark of self love. It´s different. Because, I would be willing to anything, everything. This is so important to me, seriosuly! But I don´ t know what I´m supposed to do. You´re probably wondering, maybe I´m evil or something or being really immoral. But the thing is, I do strive for moral perfection. I seldom lie, I take care of those I love, I´m not lazy, I do my best, I don´ t hate people, I not destroy other people´s lives. In fact, I protect the weak sometimes from those who want to wreck them lives. I don´t pay much attention to what other people think. Most of the time, I really don´t out my self-esteem in the hands of others. I try to develop pride in what I do. You know one time I was really proud and felt awesome, just really confortable about myself. I was sitting at a bar, and I had this conversation with some guy. We really got along. I didn´t pretend anything, I just stayed calm. And he liked me from who I was. That was the greatest feeling ever. I´m not putting my self-esteem in the hands of others, but it´s always nice when someone likes you. I´m sure even Rand liked that. If I push it foward, I think it´s because It was difficult for me. Also, It mad me realise I could just become friends with whoever I want to. Just caused a great relief. I keep thinking back to this: Living Consciously · To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals – to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may be – and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know. o A mind that is active rather than passive o An intelligence that takes joy in its own function o Being “in the moment” without losing the wider context o Reaching out toward relevant facts rather than withdrawing from them o Being concerned to distinguish among facts, interpretations, and emotions o Noticing and confronting my impulses to avoid or deny painful or threatening realities o Being concerned to know “where I am” relative to my various (personal and professional) goals and projects, and whether I am succeeding or failing o Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes o Searching for feedback from the environment so as to adjust or correct my course when necessary o Persevering in the attempt to understand in spite of difficulties o Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to reexamine old assumptions o Being willing to see and correct mistakes o Seeking always to expand awareness – a commitment to learning – therefore, a commitment to growth as a way of life o A concern to understand the world around me o A concern to know not only external reality but also internal reality, the reality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, and motives, so that I am not a stranger or a mystery to myself o A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as their roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted or uncritically accepted from others Self-Acceptance · To be self-accepting: I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist. · To experience (to make real to ourselves without denial or evasion) that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are. · To show compassion to myself, to be a friend to myself. Self-Responsibility · I am responsible for the achievement of my desires · I am responsible for my choices and actions · I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work · I am responsible for my behavior with other people – coworkers, associates, customers, spouse, children, friends · I am responsible for how I prioritize my time · I am responsible for the quality of my communications · I am responsible for my personal happiness · I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live · I am responsible for raising my self-esteem Self-Assertiveness · Honoring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality. Living Purposely · To use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected: the goal of o Studying o Raising a family o Earning a living o Starting a new business o Bringing a new product into the marketplace o Solving a scientific problem o Building a vacation home o Sustaining a happy romantic relationship · It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise of our faculties, that energize our existence Personal Integrity · The integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs – and behavior · When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity Just to make a quick summary. I am aware, most of the time of how I feel and think. I don´t know what an active mind means. I really don´t. I would guess it means it´s used in some constructive way. I think I reach towards relevant facts. This is why I am aware that as long as I don´t love myself all social life will be very difficult for me. Could it be as simple as a twist of mind. As to decide that I like myself? Could it be that simple... Well, if it was that simple, why wouldn´t I do it? Which advantage would I have in repeating the same godawful pattern that tends to mean that I sometimes don´t enjoy my life. Well, you know, I think it´s all about believing in personal responsability. I am completely responsible for how I am. What do to do next though? The thing is, I probably know what I´m supposed to do. But why don´t I do it? Ok, well, that´s it for now. Sorry about the text being really confused. A.
  7. Oh, like I said, no hard feelings . I don't see why but if my attitude makes you happy, all the better! Let us hope that it will... I really hope it will. Ok, I am willing to try just about anything. Let's think superlatively. What do I want from life? It struck me as a pretty big question but, surprisingly, I think I've got a few answers for you. I want to spend my life with a women towards I'll feel both attraction and respect as well as love. I want good friends, just plain good friends. A guy I used to know once said that friendship was love without sex. So I would want that very much. I want a job in which I will really be used to my full potential and be sucessful in it. I want to experience all kind of things so I never know regret. I also want to be confortable with who I am, to be proud of being me and never to hate me again. I would like to make a lasting difference in this world. I would like to explore art, litterature, sports and movies as much as possible. I would like to see marvelous things and go in fantastic environment. I want to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I want to always improve being me. I want to improve my life while learning to appreciate the stage I'm currently in. I want to be happy. I think this pretty much represent what I want of life. If get this, I will die an happy man. How will I get it? Pfff... I've always been more of a thinker. When it comes to doing things, I'm kind of confused sometimes. How to get this woman I want? Those friends and job I want? How to make a difference in this world? I don't know. I know how to stay healthy (sleeping, resting, eating well, exercising), this doesn't prove much of a problem for me. How to be mentally healthy, that's another thing that is quite a challenge. Buddhism does help a lot on this one. Well, I suppose doing this mental exercise does give me an orientation in life. As to how to do it... that's something else.... Well, I'm honest, so I do mean my answers. But what is life to me? An opportunity to reach a certain number of goals, the goals I've mentionned earlier. Sounds kind of limited, but that's what life is for me. Then again, I feel like there should be something more. I think living is also about discovering what lies beyond life on a first level. Of course, I'm not talking about mysticism, but about spirituality (I consider code of ethics and morality to be part of spirituality). I find the concept of values and virtues to be fascinating, I am really fascinated as to why humans hang on to such abstract concepts. Andromeda
  8. Well, okay, why not. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I don't mind. I've been too far on opening up too shut down everything now. For one thing, I've always stopped myself from dancing. I know, I know, it's not the end of the world, no drama there. I don't there is either, but when you are in your twenties and the most popular activity is to go clubbing, it kind of sucks if you stand there and do nothing. I know exactly what some of you who are reading this are thinking. That because I would enjoy clubbing because everyone does so and I represent a second hander. Well, that is not so. I wouldn't want to go out because everyone does it, at least that would not be the most important factor, I would like to go out and have fun. So if you want a better example, I sometimes stopped myself from having fun because I'm too worried about the judgement of others. In what does it have an effect? Well, it's pretty simple to be honest. I've been suffering from loneliness for long stretches in life. To some extent, I am terrified of being alone (as second hander as that might sound). You sometimes get to a point where you get just so fed up on being on your own, you've got no idea. So the reason why their judgement has a big importance to me is because if they don't judge me favorably I won't be able to be their friend and I'll end up alone. That's why. Well, allow me to stretch my imagination and summon my intelligence on this one. I have mentionned that the judgement of others worried me very much and yet, I state word for word that I don't care what people think about the statement I mentionned. Contradiction? Yes. What can I conclude from such a contradiction? Probably that once I've convinced of something, other people's judgement doesn't have that much of an impact. In other words, If I was certain that I was fine, that I was a good person, the other people's judgement wouldn't have that much of an impact. That's all logical extrapolation of course, but I assume you had something like this in mind, am I wrong? Well, as you would've guessed, broad, general statements are composed of a certain number of concrete examples. I'm not so much talking about others than about certain kind of situation. As for verbalising my feelings, if feels kind of gay and weak (I know this sounds prepostourus but that's the way I see it ). I'm leaving my province for the west next monday. I'm going to work as a waiter in some place. Well, I've got this inner doubt that I will be able to do it instead of being convinced that I do have what it takes to do the job. Sure enough I've done a good job in some previous jobs, but it still scares me. I know myself, I'll act all nervous when I begin working and I just don't want to. I suck when I'm nervous and I'm pretty damn good when I'm calm. I want to walk in there and do the job with confidence in my abilities and be calm. That's my example for that. This does clarify the concept of selfishness quite a lot. Yes, that's an interesting point of view. Thanks for your reply. Steve, I will reply to you shortly. Andromeda
  9. I've been wanting to read the fountainhead for quite a while now. I have the intention of buying both the fountainhead and ITOE. These books are very difficult to find in Quebec however (being a francophone province). I am leaving Quebec next week however, for the west (anglophone). No doubt I'll find a copy of both books. If you are that convinced that I need to study both, then I will give it a shot, I've trusted your advice so far, why not now? I already knew about that. As I've told you, I know a great deal in cognitive psychology. I think my mistake was in trusting me emotions. That's an interesting point, I'll definitely think about it. Yeah, I've read a good deal about the subconscious. That's some very logical argument you bring here, Tom, but how exactly do you train your subconscious? I've been trying self-hypnosis for a while with moderate results. If you suggest the idea, than I assume you have an idea as to how to accomplish such a feat, yes?
  10. Hi again, First of all I would like to thank you all for taking some of your time to offer some insightful advice. Well, yes and no. The thing is, I'm not 100% sure of what my principles are just yet. I do manage to be honest most of the time when I interact with other people, however. I believe that once I've discovered what I truly believe in (have a conviction for something) I will be able to apply it most of the time with other people. You see, it takes me a while to be convinced of something, but once I am, I am extremely determined with my convictions. Oh but I never believed I did. I understand and know what Is being said in Atlas Shrugged, but that doesn't mean I manage to put every single one of it's principles into action. As I've mentionned, I have to be convinced of something before I invest time and effort in it. Once I get convinced of the other ideas, I will definitely put them into action. Well, the people who make me happy are open-minded. I like different people, people who are not afraid of being themsevles. This, in my opinion, shows quite a lot of character. I believe that people who are themselves, who are very honest as to who they are won't have the tendency to judge you, and will accept you just like you are. I like generous people, I like it when you feel someone won't mind spending some money of giving you something, because they believe you're worth it, that your happiness and your friendship with that person is more important than some sum of money. I like people with a sense of humor, as you can always find some way to have some fun with them. I like people who take interest in who you are, what you believe in and who truly listens when you're talking. I like people who are open to new experiments, who are always willing to be active, try new things. I like people who don't whine too much, who manage to see the good in all things, optimistic, up beat people. I like people who like sports, arts and music. I enjoy the company of people with values, who respect themselves and who believe in some cause, bigger than themselves (I'm not talking about god here of course). See, I'm really good natured and a philanthropist deep down. I've trouble believing someone you consider a friend would try to disqualify you. But, If I listen to reason, I know some people have done it, and I've probably done it myself a few times. But, I will remain aware about that. Yes, you are very correct. Like I told you, I have to be convinced that something works to integrate it. I've done that with honesty and I will do so until I do validate my source of knowledge. Yes, I believe introspection has a part to play in all this. I think introspection is only part of the solution however. Introspection should be followed with action which is in harmony with someones beliefs. If action does not follow, a value remains a value without becoming a virtue. Why wouldn't I want the best in life? I do want the best in life, that is why I'm bothered with having mediocre relationships (not all of them mind you) and a mediocre job. If I didn't want the best in life, I wouldn't mind mediocrity, but I do mind it very much. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding the woman of my life, nothing wrong with that at all. You're identifying two kinds of contentment. One based on feeling and another one based on feelings and emotions. Andromeda
  11. Hi everyone, From posting a previous post "memorable" post on women, I realised just how much of a problem my self-image was. What I am going to do here is create a journal of some sort of what I've done, as closely linked as possible to objectivism, in order to change my desperatly negative image of myself. I would very happy to read any input anyone might have on the subject or comments on what I've done in order to do so. Now, expect nothing but honesty here. Expect to read things that might be shocking. I believe having a positive self image makes a world of a difference. I've tried to escape self-evaluation, and I've read quite a lot on the subject. Albert Ellis explained that we ought to avoid self-evaluation altogether. No matter how hard I tried not to evaluate myself, I still felt unfortable around some people. I realised their judgement of me had some very big importance. I realised there were many things I wouldn't do because I was afraid of the judgement of others. I came to understand that my relationship with others wasn't always satisfying and that I lived quite a bit of loneliness. I've read the thread about loneliness in this section, and I don't buy it. Objectivism has some wonderful premises and very logical and rational principles that one ought to follow. But sometimes I wonder, just how realistic is it? It's quite a challenge to actually be logical and rational, as human, in nature, are not rational. Humans are led by their emotions, not their head. I don't really care if someone doesn't agree with this, history has shown times and times again decisions made on emotions rather than reasons. Howard Bloom, author of the Lucifer Principle, pretty much demonstrate just how unhealthy prolongued loneliness is. For more information on the subject, read his book, it's very revealing. But that's beside the point. What I'm saying is, I do need fulfilling relationships in my life. I believe everyone is different. This explains why some people have certain interests that others don't share. This is why some people work in some field whereas some other work in a different field. Our occupations are indirect representations of our personnalities. Some people don't need as much social interactions than others. Others do need it. That's certainly my case. I came to understand that I sometimes had to force myself in being nice just so others would like me. As if I had the impression that they wouldn't like me If I was myself, so I had to be nice all the time. Goes to show just how negative my self-image is. I do have a basic respect for myself. But it doesn't seem to be enough. Whenever I'm confronted with a situation, I get really nervous and scared. I have a profound doubt of my abilities and that's something I just can't live with anymore. I've taken the decision that I will not live with my head bowed in shame anymore, that I will once again find to believe in my capacities. There seems to be some kind of distortion in my mind. I've been very good in school most of the time and I've been offered to apply for some funds to do my Masters. I've also been considered a very good social worker where I worked as an intern. It's as if I cast away the positive just to stick with that negative self-image. Now, I asked myself, am I making the choice of living like an animal? In other words, am I choosing to live by reason. The scary answer was: yes! So I think the first step is to re-learn to believe in what I can achieve in life. I want to believe that I can achieve anything and to prove myself that. Only the thing is, a mental effort is not sufficient. I need some proof from reality that will have enough impact, much like dynamite, to blow up that negative self-perception. I am dedicated to change and have been for a few years. I have decided to live by some values I cherish. I try to be as honest as possible, and I do feel good whenever I am. Not lying to others certainly lifts a burden from my shoulders. I've also noticed that the person I developped something strong with were the people I was completely honest with. One thing bothering me is that I've often had it easy in life. I think (hypothesis) that this is why I have such strong doubts cursing my mind, because I've never been in a situation where I had to reach my limits, and see for myself, just how much I could do. Okay, one last thing, about selfishness. What I am going to say is going to sound very un-objectivist, but I'm not sure about the whole selfishness deal. From what I've understood, Rand's definition of selfishness isn't the common definition of selfishness. I enjoy giving to others, listening to them when they feel bad, giving them some of my time and effort to make their life better. I try to be as empathic as possible. This, for me, doesn't sound selfish. Perhaps there's a difference between selfish and ego-centered? I realise than whenever I stop caring about others and center my life on my navel, this is when I get depressed the most. I've experienced that plenty of time. What I'm saying that being self-centered and only caring about myself not others or my environment makes me sad and depressed and lonely too. From what I've gathered, being selfish, in the objectivist perception, is to do what you want to do and value. So if you value being generous, do so. But don't take demands from others, as this is the act of cannibals. Do you think I've understood correctly? Thank you for your comments. Andromeda.
  12. Okay, well this reply might be a bit off topic... but still it's all related. As I've mentionned I would like to get more sex. I have been in situations where I could've gone all the way, but I didn't. Something was stopping me in my guts, and so I didn't. It just felt wrong. All that I'm saying, is that I would like to get more sex (as ridiculous as it sounds). And Tom, I didn't ignore your post. Maybe we both replied at the same time, I don't know, but I certainly didn't ignore your post. I think I just got frustrated with time. Not so much frustrated with others than frustrated with myself. Why? I've been struggling to discover why exactly I just feel so bad and anxious so often and why I don't have much esteem or self-confidence. I don't know where it's coming from, my parents have raised me with values (although some of you might doubt it) and I've had an happy childhood. Things got harder in my teenhood but surely that's not enough to set you on a unfulfilling path in life. So I am frustrated with myself. Some of you might think this is idiotic, to be upset with your very own ego, but it happens to me and others quite often. The reason why I am frustrated is that I treat myself badly (cognitively speaking). I've done great things in my life, but it's as if I willingly decide to ignore those so I can stick with the "loser" profile which doesn't even represent reality. When I'm with people, I am just so worried about what they'll think. I don't see why their opinion makes such a difference. And when I do hear what they think, even if it's negative, it's never as worse as I thought It would be. Values are important. I am very well aware I must figure out what I value. I know I value honesty and so I try to be honest as much as possible and that does make me feel good. I'm not sure what else I value apart from that. I have the intuition that the answer to my problem could very well come by figuring out what it is value and living in harmony in what I believe in. What are my values however, what do I believe in? Some of you might not believe me, but I am not stupid. I don't think having sex will make me happy. It probably would, for a little while, but then I would feel miserable again. I know that, It's plain simple. What I would enjoy is the intimacy I suppose. I don't know who mentionned making love with someone you do love. But here's the answer to that, I never had sex with someone I really loved. The only person I've done it with was my girlfriend but I don't think I really felt something for her, apart maybe for a slight attachment. By the way everyone: iouswuoibev is right. The premises of the original poster, however wrong and horrendously ridiculous they may be, are very prevalent in our culture. This forum is a publicly viewable one, and it is an opportunity for us to state the correct ideas for the record, for everyone in the world to see. If only a few people read and agree with our ideas, even if its not the original poster, then we have accomplished something very selfish for ourselves. Don't be so sure that I don't agree with you. I used to think the very same way years ago. But I somehow became confused as I could not create profound and meaningful relationships with others (apart from a few exceptions). So I thought, "Maybe what they want is some kind of jerk. Well, being nice certainly didn't help, what other alternatives have I got." What you think I believe this reasoning to be brilliant? Of course not, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Forget the whole sex thing. This isn't where lies my salvation anyway. It was good to read you guys, slapping across the face like that. Reminded me how absurd this mentality was. I guess I'll go back to my old ways: being nice. If only I knew of some other alternative. Then again, once I discover what I value and live my life by those principle, I don't think I'll ever have to please others again, as pleasing myself will be more than sufficient. I know, mentally, that the source of my esteem, of my sense of worth lies within, not without. But that's still very vague. "The correct path". Truth is a pathless land said Krishnamurti, which pretty much represents what you've mentionned: We cannot help you with your identity. You're right. But you know what? Guidance is good and very helpful. As long as it's a guidance which leads toward a greater autonomy, an empowerment of some sort. You got a lot of thinking to do before you go looking for someone to have a relationship with. I'm already well aware of that. I have to establish some kind of harmony within, an healthy relationship with my self before establishing one with someone else. If you are sincere in wanting an actual respectable woman as a companion (a lady, if you will) I'll tell you this: Women (despite what feminists say) love strength. Not just physical strength, but most importatntly, strength of character. You've said you're a sensitive guy, which is a plus, but not a winner. The poetry writing, sweet guy is a great friend. He listens, he shares and understands feelings. But when it comes to a romantic partner, a guy who has a set of values he never waivers from, and whose honesty and intelligence are emminent, is always attractive. A man's posture in itself states a lot about his character. How he holds himself and behaves in his environment. Rand knew this. Notice how she describes Galt and Roark's postures and mannerisms. I guess its pride. The attractive part of a man's poture and manneisms is his pride in himself. He is proud of everything he is and everything he stands for. Yes. That's what I was looking for. That's all the advice I needed. It also convinced me of my prior hypothesis, I've got to work on myself before moving on to others. Sex, in its proper sense does not exist without love. If you wish to have more sex without loving someone, yes, you are a monster. If you want advice on how to have a woman fall in love with you, ok. I'll help you. But if you just want to make her think you love her to use her, then please do all of us women a favor and lock yourself up. We don't want you. Well, this means there are many monsters among men, doesn't it? I would call them monsters however, the term is too strong to be credible. Exaggerations often have the exact opposite of what the objective was in using them. People who have sex without attachments are not monsters, they're as human as you and me. Those comments were well appreciated. Thanks all of you for your replies. Now, onward for my sacred quest for self-esteem. Well, I do respect myself so I guess that's a first step. What's next though...? Étienne AKA Andromeda.
  13. Bold standard: Thanks for your reply. It's interesting to get another point of view coming from a musician. What you say makes a lot of sense. Americo: I didn't understand your post. English isn't my first language, maybe clarifying things a bit might help getting your message across. Kevin: Hi Kevin. I must admit I wasn't surprised by your post. And most importantly, I have nothing against you for stating your thoughts the way you did. I would've tought someone calling me an idiot according to what I truly struggle with would disturb me, but strangely, It didn't. I can't believe that anybody is taking your post seriously. You come to an Objectivist forum, talk about "getting laid," "nailing" women, being "piss drunk" (which apparently improves your personality) — yet you lament that the ladies aren't lining up to jump your crass, pathetic bones. Just a second now Kevin. I feel bad for you reacting so much about this, I really didn't think it would affect anyone that much. It's no big deal really. Just so you know, It will not change anything to what you are thinking but that's ok, I have a tendency to wallow in self-pity. You see, I've had a pretty good life, but I sometimes have the habit to wallow in self-pity. I don't know why, I do, I just do it. Now you're welcome to call me an idiot or insult me just as much as you want, but it won't make a difference. However, if it helps you demonstrate your points, go ahead. You know what's actually funny? I actually read your post with great interest and I thought some of what you said really did make some sense. Buddy, with your attitude, you'd be so LUCKY if one of those "below average" women forced herself on you at gunpoint. Hell, I can't believe you actually have female friends. Do you tell them about your problems finding a suitable partner to "bang"? Well, I'm not certain you're making a point of want an answer, but here's mine anyway. Well, believe it or not, I do have female friends. You probably have this reaction based on what little information you had on one post. Unfortunately, this doesn't represent the whole. I've always been caring of my female friends, always. Not a single person on earth will ever have the right to reproach this to me. Maybe I wasn't clear in my formulation. I haven't had sex for a while and I'm really looking foward to it. But as I formulated my first post, that's just part of a whole situation, me lacking esteem for myself. It's been that way for years and might still be for a while. Now I'm sorry if this offend you, but I would like more sex. If that makes me a monster, well so be it. You say you're terrified of women. Big mystery there. I don't think you're clueless, I think you know exactly what's going on: Women (the good ones, at least) see you as a loser. And somewhere deep inside the recesses of your tiny brain, you know full well that they're right. Well, maybe they do and maybe they're right to. And I consider myself as a loser. It saddens me sometimes, because no matter what I do, I can't seem to modify this damn negative perception of myself. But I'll get there, eventually, I haven't given up yet. So maybe you're the spitting image of Tom Cruise or George Clooney — though I'd be skeptical about trusting your judgment about anything, especially your own physical attractiveness. Without the personality, sensitivity and intelligence behind the looks, it's all for naught. As much as I'm for the equality of the sexes, there's one thing women will always have over men: they fall in love first with their hearts, and with their bodies second. Well, I might not be much of a rationnal person, but I am handsome. Not that it really makes a big difference in my situation, but I believe I'm pretty objective on that one. You know, you'll probably scoff when you'll read that, but I do consider myself intelligence. And I am extremely sensitive, which is probably why sometimes my judgement isn't as accurate as it should. And I don't think I've ever done something really reprehensible in my whole life. This is why I don't understand why I perceive myself so negatively. You know, I'm a romantic at heart. But somehow I sometimes find it difficult to believe that. I've been with the company of women for many years now, and what you said isn't exactly the case. I think it would be better if it was, but I don't think it is. I don't have any advice for you, beyond joining Alcoholics Anonymous, staying inside as much as possible, and maybe investing in one of these dolls — that's all you're looking for anyway, and it will spare you the trouble of keeping up with a REAL woman's demands — you know, like self-esteem, romance, respect . . . Woah slow down, buddy. That's a little harsh wouldn't you say. For the record, I've never "played" a woman. Well, I haven't done it often (2-3 times). And all that happened was a kiss and something else. I don't think I'm perfect and I don't think anyone is. I sometimes enjoy getting affection that way. I'm only human although you seem to think otherwise. Ah c'mon, it's not that bad. You're really overreacting on this one. Still, thanks for your post. No hard feelings. Why is it that we feel we have to be so generous to those who are obviosly not rational, who come here and spit trash at us to analyze. NO ONE who comes here and asks for advice on how to get women to go to bed with him without any kind of emotional attatchment deserves any kind of reasoning or generous response. I wouldn't call it trash, but we apparently have different views on the topic. But I don't understand why you're so upset about that. I know LOTS of women who have sex with other men (they call them "sex buddies"), without any sort of emotionnal attachment. Why is that so evil? They're wonderful person, most of them. I don't think I was being very rationnal. But does implying that only rational person deserve generousity is rationnal? I don't think so. But again, we have different opinions on the subject. I think whoever is rational actually helps himself and others by making them even more rational. Just a thought. As an objectivist, but foremost a woman, I can say to you, Andromeda, you are disgusting. You don't deserve any woman's time, and any woman you do "lay" will essentially amount to a whore. You cannot have a respectable intelligent woman without some kind of relationship. You say that you know Atlas Shrugged by heart, yet you seem to have forgotten one of the most profound speeches in the book, the explaination Fransisco gives Hank for having acted as a play-boy for years. Fransisco condenms men like you. Men who seek wealth without earning it, and sex without earning the respect of a valuable woman. You. are. overreacting. Listen carefully. I've had sex with one woman, ONE. I had been with this girl for a year or so. What's so goddamn disgusting about that? Absolutely nothing. I understand you misunderstood my post, but jees, disgusting, that's an exaggeration. I haven't forgotten anything about the book. I wanted to know some objectivists perspective on this and I did (and not halfway through). I'm sorry to be such a jerk, but you really deserve it. Bah, no hard feelings. I think we misunderstood each other, that's the only explanation I see for your reaction. I really wasn't affected by your comments, don't worry. I was interested however and I also realised I must've somehow stated something the wrong way to come to this. Nobody here said they feel that way. I think his questions were honest, and so he deserves a reply in kind. My questions were honest. That's something I'm applying every single day: honesty. I realise you are subject to being judged or show your weaknesses when you are honest, but somehow I just don't mind. If someone decideds to judge me for being honest, fine. They can condemn me as much as they want for practicing a value, that won't make the slightest of a difference in the long run. Honesty above all. I think it is an understandable fallacy because there is an unfortunate abundance of females with the same attitude, and men can often fall into the wrong conclusion that that is what all women are like. Take this as an example: Yeah, that's true. I think my whole (irrational) reflection actually came partly because of realising what women want isn't exactly the same as what they say. Seeing sex as merely a function of the flesh is an idea that a lot of people embrace. I point this out as a way of saying: so we should combat it with a better idea. Also, other people will be reading this thread, it may be of use to them as well as the person that the responses were intended for. Okay. Just an hypothesis. Why can't it be just a flesh idea, what would be so revulsing about that. Plenty of people do it and consider it ok to do it that way. Why is their belief system, while different, so fundamentally wrong and evil. Sounds so catholic! Now, before making any kind of personnal attacks, I am not saying this is how sex should be, I'm just curious as to why having sex without attachment is pure evil. That's all. I think the present reply has clarified things a bit. If not, I don't know what will. Again, my intention was not to offend anyone. I simply honestly typed what I felt like at the moment I typed it, down to earth honest, as unpretty as it was to read. I'll be looking foward to your replies, if any. Etienne
  14. Ok, thank you for the replies. Yes, you may got something there. I'm definitely not doing what I want to with my life and it is really depressing. I'm not sure If I'm talented enough to succeed as an artist though... Yeah, and I do realise that. But I'm not too sure as to how I'm supposed to be a hero. I've saved a guy once who wanted to kill himself and I've loads and loads of volunteer work to help other people. I've always been very nice towards others. This doesn't seem satisfying however. My criterias are probably too high. No, no. Not at all. I'm not looking to meet anyone from here. What I'm looking for is insights from convinced objectivists. I know Atlas Shrugged almost by heart and I certainly know a good deal about objectivism (or so I believe at the very least). This is why I am posting here out of anywhere. Because I want to improve. My life is not going the way I want it to. The womanising part is just one aspect of the whole deal, as you might've guessed. No, I didn't say I wanted a hooker. I know you're trying to make me realise the absurdity of the whole thing, but I do want to have sex more often without necessarily always being in a relationship for it. Is that this unreasonable? Well, I've known that for years. But I have no clue as to how to deal with such a thing. I've seen therapists and I've read shitloads about it without that much change really. What's the use of knowing you've got some issue if you have no clue as to how to solve it? Well to be honest, I've managed to get plenty of women. I just didn't get the women I really wanted. Well, to tell you the truth, I'd rather be 6'4'' and be somewhat brawnier, but that would be rather unreasonable, wouldn't? So yeah I am average height but I am athletic. I don't know. There has to be something which we agree as a consensus. A is A, isn't supposed to be. It's not the end of the world that I'm skinny. I would like to believe the same way you do, to only rely on my judgement. But, I've got this gut feeling (I am aware this is very non-objectivist) that some things can be defined by a certain adjective by most people. Like this person is small or this one is big, same goes with appearance. I would. I do consider myself intelligent. I don't really have any scientifical proof, but I think I am as I can understand things a lot people can't. Then again sometimes I doubt it because I don't understand everything, but then again, listening to reason, who does? Then again how can we ever be certain that we are this or that specific way. It'd certainly help! I would believe someone who's got a great job, an achiever with many friends and who's had many women in their life not to be scared by approaching very attractive women. In other words, confident males. Confidence is as much a mystery to me as the secret of the caramilk (although I'm progressing on the latest) . Well maybe for one night. Listen, I know it might sound immoral to some of you, but I'm not a liar. I'm honest or at least I strive to be as often as possible. So I won't lie to you. But being a man, I've got trouble figuring out what it is that they want. Because being nice and funny and intelligent doesn't seem to give plenty of results. Well, okay, It does give out results sometimes, but not as often as I would want to. Well, having better self-esteem has been told to me plenty of times. That doesn't give me so much of a clue as to how to do it however. I've considered buying the fountainhead. I probably will actually. More reading coming up... will it bring any solutions though... only time will tell I suppose. Well, maybe you're right, maybe you're not, maybe I could get you, but that's all delusions anyway, so we can't know that for a fact. You know, what I really am looking for is just someone who I find attractive enough that I desire her sexually but who will also understand and accept me as I am while always pushing me to be my best. This is what I am looking for. More than anything. And I do think it's the right forum, as everything is linked. A change in one system of life inevitably brings change to all the aspects of someone's life. And I do think this is self-improvement, or at least at attempt to self-improve. Thank you though, I prefer questions that lead to some personnal reflections than flat out answers. Yours, Etienne
  15. Thank you for your reply. Okay, well, an AFC stands for something I won't put here as it would probably end up being censored. It probably means being insecure, not confident if you prefer. As far as women not being played into having sex, I beg to differ. They can be played (or manipulated if you prefer) into having sex or seduced into sex. Some people I know seduce women into sex every single night, clubbing. As for the first part of your post, I didn't undestand it. Seemed needlessly complicated. Well, I guess it's all up to me to figure this one out. I realise that reading books and receiving advices can only get you so far. Thanks for the input though. Etienne Edited to remove unnecessary quoting by moderator TomL
  16. Hello, this is my first post and I would really want some advice. Here's an explanation of my situation: I'm a funny, good looking guy. I am handsome and I know it. I'm not particularly tall but I'm not small either (5'10'', 155 pounds). I've been told I'm kind of skinny. I talk really fast and I'm quite good in some sports (no team sports). I've been told I'm very intelligent and I do think I am (as relative as this might be). I mostly hang out with girls. This is partly due to this: 1) I've just finished my degree as a social worker. For those who don't know, it's mostly girls. Well, I seem to always end up being friends with girls and it really pisses me off. I'm probably what you define here as an AFC or something. I do write poetry to girls or drawings or calligraphy. I've always been an artist. But it doesn't really work to tell you the truth. Well, I can use certain turn of phrase which allows me to get kissed every once in a while but no sex. The thing is, I would like to get laid more. But I'm really choked with a very present conscience. I've got trouble doing what I consider morally wrong. Is playing a girl into having sex with you wrong? I don't know... I do envy and am jealous of all those football players or rock band singers who pretty much bang whatever they like. So here's my sorry situation. Most of my friends are girls. They hug me quite a bit and call me affectionate names and all that. Older women believe I'm quite a catch for being a gentleman and all that ****, but I don't really care. Somehow I'm frightened by beautiful women. Everytime I'm about to approach them, I stop, unless I'm piss drunk In which case I suprisingly do okay with nailing women. When I'm about to walk up to them I think "No way in hell I can succeed with her, she could get anyone, why me?" Now I've studied psychology far and wide, so I know It's all a question of self-confidence, self-esteem... But no matter how much I read, it doesn't change anything! I'm still cursed by doubts and fears even though I pretty much succeed in most fields of my life (apart than women). Sometimes I think I'd rather but one of those real guys and be a mechanic or a smith of some shyt like that. But I'm just a depressed artist, a talented one, but a lonely one too. I do get girls, only, they're not the one I like. I wouldn't sleep with them even with a gun to my head (they're usually below average). It's strange but considering my looks, I could pretty much get anyone I would want. So I'm kind of confused here. Well, thank you for reading. Hopefully someone will slap some truth into me because I've been clueless about this for 6 years now and now is the time or never to change. I know I won't be young forever and will die someday; only, this goes to prove that human beings are not rationnal by a long shot, at least I'm not. Yours, From what you've read, am I an AFC? Andromeda
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