eudaemonist

Oh, no problem-- since I'm one of the people here who doesn't enjoy degrading language or role play, I was replying as if I were included in the comment "Too bad [context] is not so well understood for others as it is for us, Jenni."

Show me a context in which role-playing a brainless, worthless slut is morally consistent with possessing the sense of life befitting a heroine. Explain to me how playing concentration camp is life-affirming and the perfect picture of mental health. Either I'm missing something or you're dodging the question.

Of course there's a difference, but what would a woman who possesses the sense of life and ideals of, quote, "a heroine" possibly gain from play-acting she's a worthless, brainless slut? There's just no positive explanation for why you'd enjoy something so life-negating. On the other hand, if you're like most weak-minded, insecure, confused women who don't know what you want out of life, I can possibly see the attraction...but not if you're fully integrated and reasonably happy with yourself. Role playing is for people who don't want to own up to their emotions. I find being fully present to your partner in the moment far more exciting than any contrived power-game BS. If you ever find a partner who enjoys pretending she's the victim of a concentration camp, she needs professional help. She might share some of your values, but others are monstrously dysfunctional.

In that case, try to remember the real problem is THEM, not you. If they're so stupid and shallow they can't get over something so petty, well, good riddance to bad rubbish. They'd only drag you down in the long run. Just try not to let it keep you from seeing the good in people who aren't like that...give everybody a chance and try to make sure you're not re-enacting past conflicts with new partners who totally don't deserve it. (Easier said than done I know, but it's worth remembering!) I think real happiness comes from independence and the richness of your own inner resources. In my case, it would be nice to have a partner again, but what's the rush? When it happens, it happens, but I'm not about to compromise my values out of a misguided sense of desperation so many women fall prey to. In the mean time, I'm content to pleasure myself to orgasm every single day. Sometimes twice...I'm horny like that LOL Here's a fantastic article about narcissism you should give to your friend to read...maybe this site will help her realize why she's better off with you instead of loserboy. http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistobjects.html

No kidding. It's all "real life", and there is a bright line that applies to everyone: if you need to degrade someone and turn them into your own personal emotional punching bag to feel better about yourself, you have a self-esteem problem. What in the hell kind of sick, twisted sense of life would you have to even consider playing concentration camp? That's as nihilistic as it gets. Ideas have consequences...as Rand said, "a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the [person] he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself." Looks like Rand made my EXACT point herself: "The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of [person] he can find, the [person] he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer—because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut." There you have it.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing degrading about rough, intense, explosive sex and strong language per se. If I know my partner loves it for me to beg to eat his cum and scream "fuck me harder!!!", I'll definitely do it because it makes me excited to see him so excited. That's not what I'm objecting to. My point is there are literally thousands of ways to express your sexuality in a healthy way without using culturally loaded words that are bound up with bad premises. There's got to be a point at which ugly words start to regain their original meaning for you and domination is clearly degradation-- where do you draw the line? For instance, if your Jewish partner asked you to play concentration camp, would you do it?

The heart of the matter is this: on some level, you're still buying into the Christian notion that sex is bad and dirty. It's hot because it's forbidden and you still have a guilty conscience. In what sense is a taste for degradation not a self-esteem issue? You show me a woman who likes to be called a dirty fucking slut and I'll show you a woman who has anxiety over whether or not she really is a dirty fucking slut for daring to enjoy herself and express her sexuality. One of the pioneering psychiatrists in the psychology of sadism and masochism, Wilhelm Steckel, put it like ths: "All sadomasochists are affect-hungry individuals. Our patients are all incapable of love and consumed with the desire for it. They then transfer this condition to the entire world about them. They feel themselves cheated of their happiness and allay their pain in the pleasure of the wrong they do themselves and others. The compulsion of the external world creates an inner compulsion. Every pressure produces a counterpressure. So long as this world is sick, there will be sick people. Every step which we take toward freedom, inner and outer freedom, reduces the number of parapathics."

This only makes sense if you buy into Christian morality. A woman outwardly expressing her sexuality for a special person is a wonderful, powerful, amazing thing-- I have nothing to be ashamed of, so why force shameful words on me? There's just no need. If you enjoy giving or receiving abuse, on some level there's no way around the fact that you lack respect for yourself. Why not choose a partner you don't have to devalue and who doesn't devalue you? People with self esteem problems seriously need to fix themselves before going around inflicting their hang-ups on everyone else. Yeah, well talking it up like "you're my slut" is just as creepy only worse--because you're evading the fact that you really want to be attached, but don't have the emotional guts to come right out and say so. Emotional distancing by symbolic devaluation, anyone? If she means the world to you, tell her--attachment doesn't have to be scary or creepy. Don't be afraid to express your highest values with positive, life-affirming words. Once again, "words have meaning." Yep, that's pathetic. He doesn't really care about her, it's all about what she says about him...she's basically just another interchangeable luxury good. If these guys had a firm grasp of their own worth, they wouldn't need to look to anyone else to get it.

Yeah, but in that case, she's your PERSONAL TREASURE, your PRECIOUS PRIZE...you don't need to call her the opposite to know you're a very fortunate and special guy! I agree-- "you're all mine" is very hot. It expresses being valued and being valuable...win win!

Like Miss Rand said, "words have meaning"... I'm still not sure how you reconcile this. If somebody I respected called me a whore "on a symbolic level", in reality, I'd have to conclude it meant something negative because the concept of "whore" is hideous and repugnant. I don't believe a psychologically healthy person of any gender needs to experience degradation as part of a loving relationship. If I get the idea a man needs to psychologically degrade me to somehow prove his manhood or "have power over me" or whatever, I run like hell. "Loving abuse" is still abuse. I'm a decent, kind person with real achievements and don't have the slightest desire to be "torn down" or treated badly by anyone for any reason whatsoever. What's so great about enacting rape fantasies, anyway? Why isn't my consent as a rational, loving, aroused human being exciting enough? Call it whatever you want, but declaring it "healthy" because Rand's characters liked it is a huge mistake. Anyone holding up Dominique as a model of mental health and a guide to behavior seriously needs to check their premises.

Here's a horribly sad article which sums up this warped mindset in a nutshell: One Night Only: Why some women--including me-- prefer casual sex to dating http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/scott/onenightonly/

INTP. I'm a hard NT...the P/J variable can go either way, but I usually qualify as a P by the slimmest of margins! I 56 N 100 T 88 P 11

LOL! Hey, I definitely know the feeling-- I used to work as a research analyst at a DoD think tank...now I can't even open a bag of M&Ms without sorting them into a rainbow-colored bar graph! haha One manifestation of my frugality many people find annoying is my tendency to hoard large bags of beans, oats, and rice. But if you've ever faced real hunger, it doesn't seem quite as kooky. Nobody said it better than Steinbeck: "When you have four hundred pounds of beans in the house, you need have no fear of starvation. Other things, delicacies such as sugar, tomatoes, peppers, coffee, fish, or meat may sometimes come miraculously, through the intercession of the Virgin, sometimes through industry or cleverness; but your beans are there, and you are safe. Beans are a roof over your stomach. Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold."

Well, who knows. I'm definitely not approachable--and don't wear my hair down or shorts, skirts, or even short-sleeved shirts when I know I'm going to be walking alone in public anymore. You're right about being bitchy as a defense mechanism...it's easy to fall into if you aren't rationally judging people and situations on their own merits. That's not the worst of it, either: in the space of one month, I've caught two men masturbating in the New York subway at the sight of me: one through his pants while seated in the train and one "au naturel" peeking around a pillar on a deserted platform. (In case you were wondering, both occasions I was wearing a plain black turtleneck with a simple black skirt in one case and black pants and riding boots in the other; minimal makeup with my blonde hair pulled back in a chignon. Hardly "asking for it"!) It's definitely not the first time it happened to me, either. I complained to an attractive friend, who cynically replied: "How long have you been in New York, honey? Seems like it happens to me every week."

Well, that's New York for you. Any single woman who's halfway decent-looking and alone knows the routine...sometimes, it's a real fight to stay upbeat and not automatically assume the worst. Actually, my dad's been encouraging me to get out on the range with a Glock .40.