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Lifelong Relationships

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Compatibility. This encompasses everything from fundamental values to whether you wipe down the bathroom sink after you use it. It's not terribly romantic, but compatibility in a very practical sense really does matter when you're talking about sharing a life with someone day after day for 50+ years.

I would also say that, at least for me, having someone with a complimentary personality as opposed to one very similar to my own is important. I would constantly butt heads if I had to live with someone exactly like me!

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Apart from the obvious criterion that you must love that person, you need to be convinced that he/she is your final choice. To be able to judge that, I think that an important requirement is that you must be able to confidently project your partner's behavior into every foreseeable future scenario. I can think of two possible ways to figure that out:

1. If your partner explicitly discusses his/her convictions, try to figure out their logical manifestation in various foreseeable circumstances.

2. If your partner is not too clear or explicit about his/her ideas (and given that you are OK with that), you have to figure out his/her premises by mere observation. In this case, time is the key. You must have spent enough time with that person in a wide variety of situations.

Although many concrete values of you and your partner may differ, your values must be consistent with what each of you is looking for in a marriage relationship. Above all, your partner must agree with you in essential issues that require mutual decisions. Most people in love are already aware of each other's position on such issues, but they can be easily overlooked. Here are some examples of such issues:

1. Children: Do you both want children or not? If your partner practices, say religion or vegetarianism, and you do not (but you are OK with it), how would your children be raised?

2. Time for each other: What are your and your partner's long term career plans? What does this imply about the time you'd be able to spend together?

3. Conflict Resolution:: In case of a conflict or a misunderstanding, what is your partner's approach to resolution? Is it to drop the issue until bedtime, or is it to leave all work aside and discuss the matter in detail?

4. Property: Another seemingly minor, but important issue is: how does your partner handle property? After all, you will be "sharing" property.

If there is any essential issue on which you disagree with your partner, I think it is important not to rely on hope (that your partner's views will change after marriage). Once you are married, you'll regret if they do not change.

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