The Baby Bible

[Summer]

The Children's/Baby Bible

By: Summer Hamori

Note: I am not looking for tips regarding my writing style.

At first, there was nothing – well, there was something (in particular someone). This man then created existence, because nothing existed yet – as aside from Him, that is. So, in a sense, existence already existed, because He was in existence… But let's not focus too much on these details, because much of our story is metaphorical.

On the first day, God created the earth – and then he created the light and separated it from darkness, for darkness has no defining characteristics, and is simply the absence of light. Three days later, he created the source of light – being the sun. Prior to that, light just kind of… was… Because God can do that stuff.

But then, why create the sun at all? Why make humans anatomically dependent on substances like food and water, when He can just make light from nothing, and antagonize the Law of Conservation of Energy? Why bother creating an input for His output, if it was entirely unnecessary? Why make a world of consistency - a world where God is unneeded?

As it happens, God created the sun as to provide an opposition for His Greatness. If science says one thing and religion says something else, it is a virtue to throw away logic and believe the latter for absolutely no reason! Science is evil and distracting. It was created as a test from His Holiness

– But God doesn’t administer tests. If he needed to test us, he would not be "all knowing" –

This is your first lesson, children. God has made the wisdom of the world foolish, to shame the wise. Those who seek knowledge shall be misled.

On the second day, God created the sky and what is to be known as 'heaven'. Funnily enough, when we folks on earth managed to penetrate the sky with rocket ships, we didn’t see heaven – but that’s just science being an old crook again.

Wait, wait, wait. Where did God live before all of this?

Shush. I’m telling a story.

On the third day, God made the green stuff – plants and whatnot. Plants participate in a process called photosynthesis, which requires sunlight, and the sun wasn’t made yet. God never determined that energy cannot be created or destroyed.

He must have flunked His physics course. I keep hearing that God was a mathematician, a philosopher, a chemist… how could He have overlooked such a huge detail? I wonder where God attained his formal education, or did he just poof knowledge? Did God go to school? Is there a God school out there? Are there other Gods, or just one? If there is only one, where did He come from? How did He come to be? He always was? Well, then, why couldn’t the universe just be, too? Why do we need…

Shush! Anyway, as I was saying, trees were created before man was created. But then man was created before trees were created in Genesis 2:4-9, because that makes sense, darn it.

God made the stars to provide more light to guide our nights, but he must’ve decided that we didn’t deserve the product, because only a small fraction of stars are visible on earth. Maybe the rest weren’t good enough to serve His purpose? Agh. I’m getting tired of capitalizing pronouns.

On the fifth day, God filled the ocean with fish. So technically, fish were the first conscious organism to ever exist. Evolution is lying to you. Also, in the beginning, all creatures were vegetarian – that includes mosquitoes and vampire bats.

God created birds and other animals, but, later on, because He didn’t want to hurt your feelings, God decided he would change history. After all, he is – pardon – He is God. So in Genesis 2:7, 19, man was created before birds.

On the sixth day, God’s multiple personalities spawned a human being. We’re not completely sure if God created Adam as a rough draft, or if Adam and Eve spontaneously magicked at once, since God resolved to repeatedly amend His history book. After the first time, it becomes quite the addiction.

All irregularities are present as obstacles for your faith. Remember that, kids.

Science says we came from ape-like organisms through a chain of natural selection, where only the best, the fittest, the most adapted and competent survived, and went on to pass their offspring, thus making you the pinnacle of literally centuries – even millenniums – the zenith of struggle and triumph.

But that’s so gross. Who’d want to be related to a monkey? Everybody with a brain finds this account to be indignantly offensive. In reality, God made us from a handful of dust. Duh.

God encouraged reproduction, so there’d be more people on His earth. There was even a time in which he slaughtered a man for pulling out – but as the years progressed, God grew weary of sex. He began requiring purification rituals proceeding childbirth, as it was a dirty and disgraceful sin. The period for purification following the creation of a daughter is twice that of the purification for a son – probably because God hates women. He says that their proper place is in silence and that their ability to carry and birth babies is punishment for the transgression of Eve, who is your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-greatgreat-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother.

(Thank Darwin the universe is only six thousand years old - but wait! If new information arises contradicting any of my statements, I'll suggest that it is open for interpretation. One of the best parts about this is that you cannot fight gray areas. A position which constantly shifts and mutates is impossible to combat.)

On the note of women’s submission, feminists have it all wrong. In the Real World, the daughter of a priest is to be burned alive if found participating in naughty acts before a paperwork contract can be established. In Corinthians, God makes male supremacy clear. For a while, we thought God might be a secret homosexual, but He says that’s bad, and no gay man would ever turn around and say that being gay is nauseating to conceal a secret preference.

That doesn’t really strike me as fair, though – that God is punishing women for the sins of Eve. Shouldn’t we be held accountable for our own, individual actions? Doesn’t the concept of Original Sin make us evil for a crime which we had no power to control, before we were even born?

Oh, sweet, naïve reader – God created morals. No sense of right or wrong can subsist without Him! So if God says something is right, it’s right. Original Sin is not the only example of a person being punished for the tribulations of another. Why, Jesus himself said he would kill innocent children for adultery on the part of their parents. And then there’s Hosea 13:16…

God started to get frustrated with humans, and it came to pass that He was not pleased with His creation. That’s a bit off, since God is the personification of omniscience and omnipotence. He’s supposed to know everything, be surprised (and thus displeased) by nothing… He had to have known man would fail upon his creation, and know what man would do. Why, then, would He hold man to higher expectations, consecutively, as if aiming for displeasure? Is God… stupid? No, no. Horrible thoughts... devil, be gone! Jesus, forgive me.

In terms of principles and expectations, God informed us that it is wrong to desire the ability to tell good from evil (GE 2:15-17, 3:4-6). Probably to avoid moral dilemmas, like the one we just solved.

God understands that thinking can be painful, and He wishes to spare you torture whenever possible –

(unless you reject Him, then it’s into a lake of fire for you! Honestly, God has some rejection issu- AAGGH)

We’re sorry. The original author of this storybook has been slain by enhanced leprosy, lice, emerods, scab and itch. I will be your new narrator. In contrast, God changes his position as he tires of human incompetence. He says that we must indeed judge right from wrong.

But – God is supposed to be all-knowing, and therefore, always right and immortal in ruling. Why would He modify his stance?

I don’t appreciate your questions. God both never changes his mind and does. We’ve already covered the topic of faith. If you don’t want to turn a blind eye to everything reasonable, you’ll go to hell.

That doesn’t make sense.

You must believe as little children do. I’m right and you’re wrong. It’s all in the book, and you’ll see when we die, you pretentious skeptic. God hates pride! In GE 11:7-9 and PR 6:16-19, God proves just how lacking in arrogance He is. He hates himself. How utterly noble! And look at you - you think you know more than God?

One of the biggest arguments against religion is its sheer inconsistency, but God was inconsistent and God was perfect, so being inconsistent and hypocritical is man’s ideal. For example, God prefers Abel's offering and has no regard for Cain's, in the story of two brothers – but then, God shows no partiality. He treats all alike. If the latter is true, does it even matter if you’re a good or bad person? Pious or – dare I speak it – atheist?

Aren’t we all equal, no matter what, and all as likely to go to heaven? So let’s do whatever we want! It’s not like it matters, anyway! There’s a whole eternity postmortem. I might as well throw my corporeal dignity out on drugs and hedonism. It’s not our fault that we have these urges. God decides who will be dumb, blind, mute and deaf. He declared that the handicapped must not approach His altar, lest they “profane” it – He gave us temptation, well aware of when it would grow to be too much, for He knows all. He deceives the wicked so that He may condemn them. Hence, some of us are predestined to either damnation or salvation.

Go with the flow, brah. No one can come to Jesus, unless he is drawn by the Father.

Oh. But you have freewill, of course.

Since we’re discussing perfection, God is a vengeful warrior – a consuming fire – the jealous type – He is “murder and killing”. God gets angry, and His fury is fierce. He unleashes it on His enemies (reminder: God has no preference, we are all enemies and we are all friends). He is also, of course, love and patience and self-control.

God is sometimes angry, but anger is a sin. God destroys his enemies, but we should not resist our enemies. I’m learning all kinds of material today.

During World War II, the Nazi party indoctrinated children to hold the State above the family. In Brave New World, the very notion of family is disgusting. But where did this fascinating strategy first commence? Through Jesus in Luke 14:26, who divided families and declared that, to be a disciple, you must go beyond hating yourself – you must also hate your brothers, your sisters, your parents, too. But that’s okay – as long as you hate all men equally.

Call no man on earth your father. You have one Father – and he is the Wise Ceiling Man. Let’s not forget LK 6:27-29, “Love your enemies”. Okay, I got this. We… hate the people with merit… and love the unproductive. Put your neighbor ahead of yourself, and accept that you are a waste of space.

Wow. At this rate, Obama looks like a saint. To his credit, Jesus probably mooched the idea off of someone else. Even his birth was unoriginal. Virgin mother? Been there. Heard that.

I know I’ve mentioned the name Jesus quite a bit now. Perhaps it’s time to elucidate who that is. Jesus is a Jewish, cosmic zombie who can be in different places at once - like in the wilderness and Cana - is able to rise from the dead, heal the sick, look like an Arian among Jews and perform parlor tricks. Jesus was martyred in your name. Promoting needless racism – Thanks, Career Point. Basically, Jesus went onto evolve into Chuck Norris.

Moreover, Jesus had a lovely temperament. He cursed the inhabitants of several cities for not showing awe in response to his awesome abilities, cursed a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season and enjoys hurling epithets on the beach. His favorite color is –

Enough!

He was also a drunk who turned water into wine, and an advocate of ideological socialism.

God’s favorite people will never be made infertile or ill. With this in mind, all who cannot conceive children or who get the sniffles are not of God’s favored. Don’t feel bad though, as this may be for the best. God has somewhat of a record for sending snakes to bite and kill his chosen people. Keep your head low and don’t make eye contact. He hates overconfident eyes. God hates pride because He loves people -- and pride destroys people, and prevents them from accepting that they are scum, in order to seek salvation. In Amos 6:8, the Lord God Tarsky- I mean, he swears by Himself (but you can't use his name in vain), that he abhors "the pride of Jacob, and hate his palaces." Obviously, God was reading Himself some Howard Roark, and realized how egotistic buildings can be.

We must not overlook all the valuable lessons God has given us to compensate for the totalitarian dictatorship. For one, he teaches us how to handle rape victims (to be married to his or her attacker and stoned alongside), what to do with road-kill (you cannot eat it, but it is appropriate to sell it to your neighbors) and under what circumstances you may or may not sell a woman into sex slavery - He reminds us not to boil dead baby goats in their mother’s milk, to accept the Lord or face unbearable wrath and – oh yeah. He loves you.

Edited March 10, 2011 by Summer

[Black Wolf]

From what I've seen so far, it's pretty funny.

[Steve D'Ippolito]

You had fun with this one I'll bet.

[Summer]

Comedy is not generally my thing, but I was being detained against my will, and I had to pass the time somehow.