maarius11 Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 I spent several years reading about Objectivism and using it in my everyday life to pull myself out of a vicious downward spiral that was going to lead me to eiher death or prison. I felt like I had things pretty under control but the past year or so I have felt like I haven't been in control. The slightest things will set me off and I feel myself get very violent and agressive. There have been a few times in the past year that I have let it get the best of me and hurt people and I know I shouldn't do that. The best way I can describe it is the term "seeing red" and then when its over I feel like I wasn't in control and I regret that I lost it. I'm not sure how to get a grip. Anyone have some constructive advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CptnChan Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) I also have what some would call a "temper". Regardless of what others have have explained to me as causes for this (including diet and meditation time), I have found that if I restrict time spent with people who piss me off to a minimum, I don't get angry. Some people, literally no matter how hard I try, I realize I will just never get along with. I simply don't spend time with people who annoy me, which very honestly limits my circle of friends drastically (contrary to my goal in high school). Yet, this allows me to me to be much more relaxed and keeps me knowing that the people I'm with will understand or at least appreciate the views I solicit. Edit: I noticed you picture includes a (assuming it is yours) baby. If perhaps the victim of your "seeing red" is your significant other, I recommend on a daily basis trying to do things that will make that person happy/laugh/feel sexy. As a married person, I find that it is very selfish to concentrate one's attention to making one's mate happy, because it results it a reciprocation of such feelings 100% of the time. ..which is what I desire. Edited February 21, 2012 by CptnChan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aequalsa Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 In addition to the above good advice, I would recommend martial arts. The more hardcore the better. When you're doing full contact, or anything close, you have to switch the aggression button on and off pretty quick, which can be tough if someone just landed their elbow in your face. Makes for great practice with that kind of self control. In addition, it gives you a socially acceptable outlet for anger and frustration. If self-esteem based "proving your toughness to yourself" is an issue, it tends to satisfy that as well. I don't mean to state the obvious, but if you have more deep seated issues then therapy would probably be helpful in finding out what you're truly angry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JASKN Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 I also have a temper. Sleep is the largest factor for me (in addition to CptnChan's advice). If it gets too bad, I tell myself to just wait until tomorrow, and usually it really is "night and day," and I feel better once I wake up. Physical activity helps (as aequalsa pointed out), as does keeping a broad perspective -- really keep in mind the larger course of your life and how the little things angering you actually fit into that. Little things almost never hold much significance in that broader, and if they do it's only as part of a trend of little things, and a trend can be changed by you if you put your mind to it. Whatever strategy winds up working for you, I think the biggest thing is to deal with the anger as soon as it creeps up. The escalating effect is how it turns into a real problem for me. Once my temper gets big enough, it's almost impossible to diffuse with any timeliness, and it's also when I say or do something actually out of line. maarius11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicky Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Emotions are the products of your own mind. They are sub-conscious reaction, sure, but they are a reflection of your most fundamental premises and inner most values, premises and values which you, at some point during your life (possibly in your childhood), one way or another (fully aware or just by copying others), chose to accept. While aequalsa's advice is sound, and you should take it as an intermediary solution (besides, there are other benefits to learning MMA or Krav Maga, not just anger control), the more fundamental answer lies in identifying the false premises which lead you to get angry and violent. Under what circumstances do you consider violence to be acceptable? (the right answer isn't "Never", but it is "Almost never.", and in the context of a civilized society "never outside direct self defense, in an emergency situation".) When do you feel wronged by another person, and to what degree? Do you differentiate between being treated unfairly, having your rights violated to some degree, and being seriously harmed, for instance? Also, when you are treated unfairly (as we all are, pretty much every day of our lives - because not many people have perfect or even good judgment), what do you think the cause is? Do you blame a malevolent system, a malevolent person, an error in the system, an error in judgement a person made? What standard of evidence should one require, before allowing themselves to assume malevolence rather than error, and even then what is the appropriate response: fight or flight (confrontation or avoidance, conflict or passive refusal to engage)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicky Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 P.S. Change the way you view the world (and this is by no means easy, it takes a huge intellectual effort, and it needs to be made precisely when thinking about people and situations that piss you off or scare you), and your emotions will follow. "meditation" serves precisely to make this process of intellectual reflection easier, by creating moments in your day away (emotionally removed, not physically away) from the stress of a job or relationship, and the cloud of emotions that come with that stress. I doubt it's necessary or useful to actually engage in any kind of a ritual while "meditating", but identifying the act of clearing your mind (finding a period of peace by rising above the stress of life) with a word is certainly helpful. But whatever you call it, "meditation" is not meant to stop you from becoming angry or from acting violently, right there in the moment. It's not "stop and count to ten, and hopefully your next decision will be better than it otherwise would've been". That's idiocy. It is supposed to help you be objective about your life by putting some distance, emotionally, between your thoughts and the immediacy and personal emotional implications of their content, which then, after a long while (years even), will begin to have a positive effect on your view of life, values and ultimately emotions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maarius11 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I really appreciate all the feedback yo have given me. It's funny, but just after posting it I began to think more clearly about these things and I have found myself a bit more in control. There must be some truth in what I've heard about expressing your emotions and having the power taken out of them. I use exercise to help take some of it away. I think the big issue here is for me to really look at my expectations and that is something I have been doing lately too. "meditation" serves precisely to make this process of intellectual reflection easier, by creating moments in your day away (emotionally removed, not physically away) from the stress of a job or relationship, and the cloud of emotions that come with that stress. I have been told that I need to meditate by 3 people now, perhaps I ought to look into that. The fact of the matter here is that I don't like the feeling like I've lost control and that is how I feel when I get angry. I am a human and I am capable of having better control over myself than I have letting my emotions run rampant like they do. I'm going to look into some of these methods and really try to get back to the basics. Reason, purpose and self-esteem right? Losing my temper over insignificant things goes against my morals and my values, so thank you all for your help. I'll keep you posted. Edited February 22, 2012 by maarius11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eiuol Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 I have been told that I need to meditate by 3 people now, perhaps I ought to look into that. Mindfulness may prove to be a more useful term to look into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicky Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Just to make sure I'm clear, I'm not advocating "meditation" to help keep in control. In fact I'm with aequalsa on that, do martial arts to learn to control your anger. I'm merely suggesting spending time "rising above" the cloud of emotions and the immediacy of everyday life, from time to time, as a means to better focus on being objective about applying the philosophy you learned, to your everyday life. Some people call that meditation, but people who don't call it meditation do it too. Probably better, given the religious overtones of the word meditation. The point is, I don't think you need to "learn how to do this", from people who "meditate". The essence of it is the thinking and being objective part, not the form. Continue studying how to be logical and objective, from outside sources, and then just take the time and do the thinking part on your own. I would hate for you to think that I suggested you should embrace any religious or pseudo-religious practice, by asking such practitioners about meditation. I'm not suggesting that. There are two parts to being an Objectivist (or ascribing to any rational system of ideas). Understanding the ideas, and figuring out how to apply them to your own life without the bias of emotions or false premises. The latter is something pretty much everyone who becomes rational in some or all aspects of their lives after running into trouble, rather than grows up pretty much rational, struggles with. You need to focus on the disparity between your philosophical beliefs (which you embraced after a process of rational analysis), and your everyday life (which is still driven by premises that aren't fully rational). The way to do that is to do lots and lots of thinking, about how to properly apply the ideas you adopted, to your life. The best time to do that thinking is when you can deliberately remove yourself from as much of the interference as possible, because that's when it's less likely that your judgement is affected. Edited February 22, 2012 by Nicky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maarius11 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I did not for a moment think that you meant to learn to meditate with any sort of religious connotation attached to it. Frankly, if I had I would have blown the idea off because it is not my way. If meditation works it is for the reasons you mentioned and people just have other ways of reaching that point of clarity. I simply have not found a way to get there and again today I found myself blowing up over fairly trivial things so I am here rereading these posts to get back to where I was yesterday. I feel like I need to check my premises and figure out what it is that is clashing because something certainly is. The only time I ever feel at ease lately is when I'm surfing, so perhaps I'll make a conscious effort to focus on this little problem while I'm out on the water. Can't hurt I suppose... Also, Eiuol, there are several different ways to interoperate "mindfulness". Are you talking Zen style mindfulness or psychology's mindfulness or am I not understanding what you mean? Edited February 22, 2012 by maarius11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eiuol Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Ah, I'm speaking of psychological mindfulness which is influenced by meditation. Mindfulness is a lot like meditation and involves focusing on the present moment as a means to work on focus so that you don't get overwhelmed by emotions. Yes, thinking about ideas is important for dealing with your life and any issues, but it's also important to learn how to direct your focus in healthy ways rather than towards destructive coping mechanisms. As far as I've read, mindfulness is especially useful for anyone who feels overwhelmed by emotions, which would include the kind of anger you described. Mindfulness is more or less working out the choice to focus in healthy ways, practicing how to direct focus. This is a separate skill from figuring out premises that are problematic. Edited February 22, 2012 by Eiuol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicky Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) The only time I ever feel at ease lately is when I'm surfing, so perhaps I'll make a conscious effort to focus on this little problem while I'm out on the water. Can't hurt I suppose... Spending time thinking never does. It will definitely help. That much I know for a fact. I'm also pretty sure, however, that you won't be able to get rid of your anger quickly. I don't understand exactly what it is that you're feeling, but whatever it is, it's not just going to go away because you began to deal with it. However, the fact that you are dealing with it should give you hope that it will eventually go away. So, in that sense, you might feel better about it, and cut yourself some slack about it, right away. Edited February 22, 2012 by Nicky maarius11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whYNOT Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 As a "self-made soul", it may help to hold in the front of your mind, that every thought, action and feeling - and even, non-thought and non-action - is contributing to (or detracting from) that "made soul." We can't do much about what went before, of our own doing, or of others - except examine it, indentify it, and move ahead. This moment, and all that follow, are within our power, however. The first steps you take towards dissipating your anger, will lead to increasing self-awareness, and greater pride in your 'efficaciousness', in order to accomplish more. Of this I'm sure. Just an addition to some very good advice. maarius11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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