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How does one stop caring about what others think?

I believe there is a problem with getting to the core of this issue. Perhaps it's in the wording. I've read an article saying you should smash your phone to detach yourself from routine, try talk to one stranger a day to put you out of your comfort zone, dance in public etc etc I think sometimes this is sometimes misguided as there is some level of caring required.

Since I can't articulate what I want to say well I'll give examples of situations:

You see a gorgeous girl but your paralyzed with fear to talk to her. Your scared that you might be rejected.

My rational thinking tells me this fear is irrational - you should be able to talk to her without fear, asses whether she is someone you'd like to befriend or more / and vice versa. If she doesn't like you, that's fine. You might both be on different paths or you could treat it as some feedback on your own personality. Regardless of this rationale my emotions paralyze me because I'm scared of what she might think of me.

You are in a class but are too scared to ask a question because you think people might think your stupid. Or maybe the class is a class of 300 people and you'll have to talk into a microphone Maybe your voice is bad and your embarrassed what people might think of it.

My rational mind tells me this is stupid - I have to put myself out there. I have to be true to myself. I'm interested in asking a question so I need to. If everyone wants to laugh at me (extremely unlikely picture my brain conjures) then so be it.

You want to dance and have fun but are too scared what others might think of you. Whether they might laugh at you.

I've begun working on this but I'm not sure if what I'm doing is somewhat misguided. I've done stuff like take my shirt off on the train, talk to many many strangers, taken up improv acting classes - I'm thinking about walking around shirtless, dancing in public, singing in public. Yes, people might think I'm an idiot or a fool (I'll likely never see them again) but I hate this feeling of caring about others so much. I just want to be rid of it.

I'm working through OPAR right now but it seems like it may take me many many years to understand and integrate the philosophy and caring about others thoughts is something I want to address now. I feel like I'm not living if I close myself off to opportunities because I'm afraid what others might think. How can I work on this area? Is there any *basic* material someone recommends which doesn't recommend jumping on your phone?

Edited by LoBagola
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Hello: I think you care about who you care about. Which means 'known quantities' of people; those individuals

you (properly or not) appreciate, admire, respect etc. All others aren't one's main concern, I believe, as you shouldn't be theirs' - as long as one doesn't fall into the trap (in attempting to not be a 'second-hander', ie, living for others' approval and attention) of becoming a second hander anyway, by faking egoism and superiority - to impress them.

For the rest, honesty is by far the best policy. By being true to yourself, even if it comes across as awkwardness

with a lovely girl, your integrity will show to those people who may come to count in your life - and the girl may even be charmed by it!

There's a lot to this, some of which may simply extend from a painful shyness - as I remember when younger. Ouch.

I recommend Nathaniel Branden often, and his books on self-esteem. 'Honoring the Self' - especially.

Edited by whYNOT
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What others think is a consequence of ones interaction with others; a kind of feedback about the quality of ones reputation. To the degree that ones reputation precedes interaction with strangers, caring what others think is of some value.

However your examples point more to a fear of what others might think, and as such reflect more a fear of the unknown which can only be addressed by discovery. It's always better to know than to be afraid to find out.

Edited by Devil's Advocate
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Confidence isn't "not caring about what others think". It's not expecting others to think negatively of you. Confidence starts with competence. And competence comes, at least in part, from practice.

Obviously, you also need to know what to practice. When it comes to dealing with other people, first and foremost you need to practice paying attention (which is exactly the opposite of "not caring what others think") and being honest. After you've got that down, you might also practice being well spoken, funny, etc., but these are waaaay less important than the first two.

In conclusion, not caring what others thing is the worst goal you could set for yourself, if what you're really looking for is better social and dating skills.

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We have to refine what we mean by caring about what others think. Suppose you saw something really odd happening and you could not identify or comprehend what it was. If someone was near you and saw whateveritwas also, you might ask what do you see? In that case you do care what the other person thought. Also if you ask someone else to help check you work (you are requesting correctness check) then you obviously care what the other person thought.

Whenever we request corroboration we care what the other person thought.

ruveyn1

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Other posters have covered most of it, but I wanted to add one more thing: you shouldn't criticise yourself so much for feeling the way you do. It's okay to be embarassed and nervous, everyone feels that way sometimes.. but it's not okay for those feelings to prevent you from doing something that you really want or need to do. I used to feel embarassed going to office hours regularly because I knew that many other students didn't need to go to understand the material covered in class. And to this day, I'm still nervous before meetings at work and when I have to present something in front of an audience. But I try not to let these fears prevent me from doing the things that I need to do. If I want good grades, I need to go to office hours. If I want to keep my job, I need to participate in meetings and present my work. I just have to remind myself that I have to put myself in these uncomfortable situations to achieve my goals. And eventually you'll get much more comfortable since you'll be in these situations so much. (It's probably hard the first time you ride the bus.. but the second time is a bit easier since you know what to expect, and it'll just become less and less uncomfortable.)

There's a lot to this, some of which may simply extend from a painful shyness - as I remember when younger. Ouch.

Yeah, I agree- I heard that shyness is something you eventually grow out of.

I'm still waiting for that to happen.

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We have to refine what we mean by caring about what others think. Suppose you saw something really odd happening and you could not identify or comprehend what it was. If someone was near you and saw whateveritwas also, you might ask what do you see? In that case you do care what the other person thought. Also if you ask someone else to help check you work (you are requesting correctness check) then you obviously care what the other person thought.

Whenever we request corroboration we care what the other person thought.

This is a bit different than "not caring what others think" as presented by the OP. In your scenarios, you don't care what the other person thinks as much as you care about confirming or exchanging ideas. What the OP is talking about is caring what people think about you personally, not your ideas.

Edited by thenelli01
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How does one stop caring about what others think?

I've begun working on this but I'm not sure if what I'm doing is somewhat misguided. I've done stuff like take my shirt off on the train, talk to many many strangers, taken up improv acting classes - I'm thinking about walking around shirtless, dancing in public, singing in public. Yes, people might think I'm an idiot or a fool (I'll likely never see them again) but I hate this feeling of caring about others so much. I just want to be rid of it.

If you took your shirt off on the train, I would think you were an idiot or a fool too. You aren't approaching the problem correctly. You need to build up self-confidence because it will enable you to be most successful in life. The source of self-confidence is self-esteem. To get self-esteem, you need to be able to hold firm, consistent values and an uncompromising conviction in the ability of your mind. Confidence starts with engaging in reality, which means being honest with yourself and in your abilities. This will prevent you from taking too big of risks. It isn't something that develops right away, it develops through practice and personal achievement.

Edited by thenelli01
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Yeah, I agree- I heard that shyness is something you eventually grow out of.

I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Heh. Good news, bad news, for you - shyness dissipates, and becomes less painful, as your character begins

outgrowing your early personality, but like your personality it never leaves you altogether. It's best 'antidote', (and one should never be ashamed of it to the extent of 'over-compensating') is the desire to be known accurately for who you are, what you think - without ambiguity, reserve or anxiety.

For those shy people out there:

"...deep and courageous self-assertiveness - letting others hear the music inside of you."

N. Branden

Edited by whYNOT
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To be clear guys I didn't intend not to care what others think. I just couldn't articulate my thoughts well. I very much agree that it's important, hence the post.

Other posters have covered most of it, but I wanted to add one more thing: you shouldn't criticise yourself so much for feeling the way you do. It's okay to be embarassed and nervous, everyone feels that way sometimes.. but it's not okay for those feelings to prevent you from doing something that you really want or need to do

I emphatically agree. I came to this conclusion on my own while putting myself out of comfort zones. In some instances the fear is uprooted once you repeat something enough times, but in other cases I think there might be some deep rooted instincts or fears which can't be removed (e.g. for me approaching a stranger or group of strangers). But this is totally okay. It's what you do about it, not what you feel. At some point the fear also stops effecting you physiologically and mentally.

If you took your shirt off on the train, I would think you were an idiot or a fool too. You aren't approaching the problem correctly.

This was more symbolic or ritualistic for me. When I say ritual, I don't mean it in some magicla sense. It was just something with minimal risk and the gain was that I was conquering some fear of people laughing at me, or talking behind my back about how stupid I was - I will never see them again and don't care about them as far as my image goes. It was a spare of the moment thing when I was thinking about all the fears I've bean beaten up by, and all the missed opportunities. Obviously I wouldn't want to hurt anyone - and FWIW once I put my shirt back on I started a very interesting conversation with the man in-front of me - we discussed what I'm posting about here.

I've replaced this with a different ritual which is showering as usual, then getting out and putting on the coldest water. I tell myself it's pointless, silly, uncomfortable, scary... Repeat "I can't do it"... blah blah - these are the usual excuses I might make in an unrelated scenario. E.g. speaking out is pointless (I some how irrationally justify it). So once i've said these things I get in for a min or so and finish my shower. I don't know why, but it really helps me during the day when I'm pushing through new fears.

I'm certainly not a shy person. I just want to be much stronger. I want to choose who will be in my life rather than let other people choose me. A lot of my friends have just 'been there', but I don't think they suit my life/values/ambitions. I think chatting to strangers before was a little irrational, but now it's opened up a whole new world for me. It was actually all about my fear of being rejected, the maybe/possible/what if. It prevented me from making new friends in even the more conventional environments (class, clubs etc). Now, I can often make friends with anyone who appears to be interesting in the most random locations - and this had the added benefit of making the more familiar environments soooo much easier.

Edited by LoBagola
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