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The Morality Of "cheating" On Someone

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Most people, when asked, will tell you that "cheating" on a boyfriend/girlfriend (not husband/wife) is immoral.

I don't like the word cheating, it implies that you are somehow "breaking the rules," but aside from marriage, I don't think that most people actually sit down to form an agreement where neither of them can become involved with other people, although it does seem kind of implied.

What I'm wondering is, is there some principle that is actually violated when cheating on someone? If you are in a relationship with one person and you find someone better, do you need to officially break it off before entering a relationship with the other person? Are you accountable for any pain this might cause the other person?

What if you are the person that the male/female is cheating on their partner with? I would think that the fact that they are in a relationship already shouldn't have any bearing on the morality of your choice. What if the person being cheated on is a good friend of yours? Under what conditions would it be morally right/wrong?

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What I'm wondering is, is there some principle that is actually violated when cheating on someone?

What is the foundation on which you would have a relationship with a person whom you would identify as a boy/girlfriend? Why do you have that relationship? What would distinguish a boy/girlfriend from just any other person with whom you have a relationship?

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What I'm wondering is, is there some principle that is actually violated when cheating on someone?
Yes, the principle of being honest. It's conceivable that two people might have a relationship that allows adultery, so it's not the having sex with someone else that constitutes 'cheating', it's the having sex when you know your partner expects you to not do so. The right thing to do, if this arises, is to ask your partner "Do you mind if I have sex with that lady over there?"
What if you are the person that the male/female is cheating on their partner with? I would think that the fact that they are in a relationship already shouldn't have any bearing on the morality of your choice.
That would depend on what you wanted from the relationship. If you were counting on honesty and fidelity in the relationship, then it would be wrong of you to get involved with a person who sleeps around. If you were just looking for a regular physical outlet with no long-term expectations, I don't see how it would be immoral (except if you had a personal obligation to the cuckolded third part). Which brings us to:
What if the person being cheated on is a good friend of yours? Under what conditions would it be morally right/wrong?
Again, if the relationship were based on trust and this were betrayal of a person you cared for, it would be immoral. OTOH if you had a superficial relationship, or if there was a clear understanding that anyone's girl is fair game, then you either don't care about how the other guy feels, or he has made it clear that he doesn't care enough about the woman that he would be mad if you slept with her. The basic questions are: do you really care about these people, and is honesty at all important to you?
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What is the foundation on which you would have a relationship with a person whom you would identify as a boy/girlfriend? Why do you have that relationship? What would distinguish a boy/girlfriend from just any other person with whom you have a relationship?

I would probably say that intimacy would be the primary distinguishing factor between a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and other relationships.

I am asking for a specific reason, but I don't want to post the personal details where someone might find them (although private messages would be fine for anyone who wouldn't mind helping me work something out). In the context of my situation the relationship in question is not my own, so I guess I can't ask the question, what is the relationship based on.

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As David said, it depends on what one's understanding is. If a person is having a relationship with you that they think is exclusive, and if you know they think that and that it is important, then it's cheating. Similarly, if you're having a secret relationship with the girlfriend of your friend, and he thinks she's in an exclusive relationship with him, and he has reason to expect honesty from you too, that's not right either. Now, if something "happened", and you're going to level with everyone soon, that's different.

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I would probably say that intimacy would be the primary distinguishing factor between a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and other relationships.

How would you describe intimacy? What requirements would you expect to exist in a pre-intimate relationship with a person before you decided to be in an intimate relationship with them?

PS: I'm trying my hand at the Socratic Method, but Dave and softwareNerd are going straight for the answers. :o They are certainly laying out the direction that I was headed so you don't needn't answer unless it is your desire.

Edited by RationalCop
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As David said, it depends on what one's understanding is. If a person is having a relationship with you that they think is exclusive, and if you know they think that and that it is important, then it's cheating. Similarly, if you're having a secret relationship with the girlfriend of your friend, and he thinks she's in an exclusive relationship with him, and he has reason to expect honesty from you too, that's not right either. Now, if something "happened", and you're going to level with everyone soon, that's different.

In the situation with the girlfriend of one's friend, how exactly is it different if something "happened" and you were to level with everyone, and what constitutes as soon? Also,

How would you describe intimacy? What requirements would you expect to exist in a pre-intimate relationship with a person before you decided to be in an intimate relationship with them?

PS: I'm trying my hand at the Socratic Method, but Dave and softwareNerd are going straight for the answers. :o They are certainly laying out the direction that I was headed so you don't needn't answer unless it is your desire.

I would describe intimacy as anything more than what would be socially acceptable between friends, probably anything beyond a quick kiss on the cheek. The pre-intimate relationship requirements that I would expect to exist would be a solid understanding of the other person's personality and their belief system.

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If by "intimacy" you mean "sexual contact" (of which there are varying degrees, admittedly,) then the question comes down to the two people that one is having sex with.

Sex is something one properly does with someone who reflects one's own value system. The reasons why people have sex says much about the people themselves, particularly their own sense of self-worth.

The question to ask oneself, it seems to me, is this:

"Exactly WHY am I having sex with this person."

One must ask this in regards to each person one is having sex with (if they are the one "cheating," as it were.)

If one is having sex with a person for reasons other than that they reflect one's own highest ideal, it would be appropriate to cease having sex with them and take a closer look at why one is involved with them in the first place.

One may find that their premises are not in check.

If one finds out that one's sexual partner is having sex with other people, it becomes necessary to first examine how one feels about that. If the relationship has been mutually agreed upon as monogamous, then the partner has broken the agreement. The partner's trustfulness has now been called into question. It would not be inappropriate for one to now end the relationship, but that's entriely up to the individual who has been cheated on.

The partner who broke the agreement has no right to expect the relationship to continue. If the partner knew that their indescretion would end the relationship and the partner violated it anyway, clearly the relationship is of little value to them.

Another factor to be taken into consideration in this day and age is the fact that having sex with the wrong person can not only end one's own life, but also the lives of everyone they have sex with afterwards.

Depending upon the degree of care taken to prevent the transmission of diseases, the cheating partner is not only endangering their life, as well as the life of the person they are cheating on if the partner continues to have sex with them; but they are also display a disregard for the sanctity of their own continued existence...they are behaving in an "anti-life" fashion.

Of course, if by "intimacy" you mean things other than sex...none of the above matters, yet.

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If you are in a relationship with one person and you find someone better, do you need to officially break it off before entering a relationship with the other person?

What if you are the person that the male/female is cheating on their partner with?

In the context of my situation the relationship in question is not my own, so I guess I can't ask the question, what is the relationship based on.

From the perspective of the interloper, I don't think he has an obligation.

From the perspective of the cheater, I think she generally does have an obligation. If you're looking for a specific reason, then the important question to ask is "what do I gain by not telling my bf/gf?"

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