A Mind Trapped In Youth

[AmbivalentEye]

I have tried so many times to post here. Everything has gone wrong, ad i can only help but think that perhaps some unseen force has tried to keep me from the other mids of this world. who am i? you may say.

My name is Jason... or so you shall know me because names are irrelevant in my form of reality. i do not seek yoour names, i wish to know your minds and be able to share my thoughts with all of you. I find this may be the only place where i could trully speak as i am, amongst others that live by the same convictions that i have. people who have seen something more i the books of ayn rand than the basic story line. i can't imagine what it meant to the rest of you. all i know is that, i hold to those books as others would to bokks of Dante, or shakespeare. i have never found perfection in books. i know ayn rand's books too have their flaws and in fact i've spotted a few typos and stuff like that, which makes the book only more perfect. I fear that if it had been any better i would have indeed done as dominique had with the sacred statue of helios. i would buy out every copy of atlas shrugged and the fountainhead, read and absorb them, then later burn them. i wonder if you guys understand this. i hope you do, but i still get the feelig that someone out there may see me as some hateful maniac. I know that point will come, when i'll have to make the detruction of those copies that i have....but for now, i need them too desperately. i can't explain what thos books did to me. it isn't only about the philosophy, even though that is the o ly thing i live by.

For me.... it started out with a single question. one i'm sure you have been faced with and pondered about as well. "who is john galt?" I reacall from page 64 of the 50th anniversary edition with the introduction by leonard peikoff, from that scene where dagy speaks to the old man that cells cigarets. he spoke of that question. of how it entered my life as this desperate plea within me. it wasn't about the ma who stopped the motor of the world. i rather wish that here, we could set up a post about the various meanigs of that question. what it signified as people uttered it.

they feared it....

they dreaded the soundof such a name.....

me, i was in search of something. Of this site. Of the eyes that are reading this and are able to understand my desperation.... i must find the minds out there that can understand it, that can make it possible. i oce found a man of this sorty and he wrote me a letter saying "I now the loneliness, i know the isolation" and that meant everything to me. it is hank readen in need of Fracisco D'aconia, it is Dominique in need of Howard Roark. There is so much i wish to say to those out there that lead the same battle as i do. i hope you are able to see this. though the last 4 things i attempted to post, simply disappeared.

my mind is an anallytical one. i live within the words of my conscience and those marked down by my pen. i was here to introduce myself and i hope i some way, i have. all i want is one response...from anyone...and that'll make the burdens of this week worth bearing. i sometimes become a charfacter of atlas shrugged. My problem is... i cannot allow myself to shrugg...not yet....i am not yet ready for my destroyer and so i live through each day cliging to the only things that offer me meaniong and reason. my mind is like a scavenger searching for the tiniest phrase to keep me going. I can do this. sometimes i convince myself it isn't necessary to breathe....i just have to fullfill my tasks, because i can bear them....because i will not allow them to break me...or even the people that are imposing the slavery. it does notmatter.

i'll post again when i get a chance....if this doesn't make it to the site....if it is never seen. then i'll desist right now, and seek my answer elsewhere.

[DPW]

me, i was in search of something. Of this site. Of the eyes that are reading this and are able to understand my desperation.... i must find the minds out there that can understand it, that can make it possible. i oce found a man of this sorty and he wrote me a letter saying "I now the loneliness, i know the isolation" and that meant everything to me. it is hank readen in need of Fracisco D'aconia, it is Dominique in need of Howard Roark. There is so much i wish to say to those out there that lead the same battle as i do. i hope you are able to see this. though the last 4 things i attempted to post, simply disappeared.

There is an Ayn Rand quote that I think may be relevant.

The thinking child is not antisocial (he is, in fact, the only type of child fit for social relationships). When he develops his first values and conscious convictions, particularly as he approaches adolescence, he feels an intense desire to share them with a friend who would understand him; if frustrated, he feels an acute sense of loneliness, (Loneliness is specifically the experience of this type of child—or adult; it is the experience of those who have something to offer. The emotion that drives conformists to "belong," is not loneliness, but fear—the fear of intellectual independence and responsibility. The thinking child seeks equals; the conformist seeks protectors.)