Help with College Essay

[Mimpy]

Okay....well, I'm applying to Georgetown University and they want me to be creative with my essay. I'm normally not a very creative person and at this point in the college application process, I'm pretty burned out with the many essays I've already written. So if you guys have any suggestions for me, I'd love to take them into consideration! Be honest, lol. I really don't like the ending...I want it to be more meaningful, but I don't know how to go about doing that.

The question is: The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either autobiographical or creative, which you feel best describes you.

A Day in the Life...

Swim! Keep your eyes wide open. Flail in the water, escape is close. Look back once…the malicious shark is still chasing you. Reach the endpoint. Wiggle your way through the hole in the tank. Get stuck. Mutter to yourself that you shouldn’t have eaten that last piece of pumpkin pie, no matter how much it had beckoned you. Squeeze in your stomach and lunge towards safety, the shark at your heel.

Wake up. See hazy shadows. Release your tight grip from the sheets. Tell yourself it was the usual dream. Stumble in the dark to find your contacts. Poke your eyes out by accident. Get dressed, gulp down breakfast, and drive dangerously fast to the hospital. Make it to class with ten seconds to spare. Tell yourself, “I couldn’t be any more awesome.” Realize that nobody is in the classroom and then remember that there are clinicals today. Run up the stairs. Run out of breath. Bump into the teacher, who looks at her watch. Watch the operation. Ignore what the surgeon is saying because you’re so fascinated by the nail they’re drilling into this woman’s foot. Decide that surgery is right for you. Decide you will be the best surgeon in the world, like McDreamy from “Grey’s Anatomy.” Suddenly break from your dreamy stupor and realize the opportunity presented to you. Start rambling to the surgeon how excited you are and how you never considered podiatrics before and how he decided which drill to use exactly. Notice the surgeon understands how you feel and eagerly answers your questions.

Drive to school. Find an excellent parking spot. Tell yourself it’s going to be a good day. Walk into German. There’s a quiz today. Feel torn between reading something of your choice or quickly studying for the quiz. Reluctantly study and spill the information from your brain onto the paper. Forget it immediately afterwards. Get out “Atlas Shrugged.” Read a few pages. Wonder why everyone doesn’t think like Ayn Rand. Duck when someone throws a crumpled piece of paper across the room when the teacher isn’t looking. Go to chorus. Sing. Pretend to look around at everyone else when your voice cracks so they won’t think it was you. Walk to lunch. Eat less, talk more. Laugh till your stomach hurts. Feel a pang of sadness that soon you will all be separated and in different parts of the country. Go to the bathroom. Find no soap in the dispenser. Return to the cafeteria and wash your hands with sanitizer. Wash them again, just in case. In English, write an essay about “Heart of Darkness” and wonder what possessed Conrad to write such a confusing piece. Realize you don’t really understand what happened in the story and spend the rest of the period writing vague statements that could apply to almost anything. “The author’s tone revealed his desperation to bring back humanity in his society’s ways!” Come out of physics thinking how cool it would be to be an astronaut. Go to government and listen to people argue. Throw in your own two cents. “Capitalism!” “Individual rights!”

Come home. Shuffle down to the basement. Crank up the karaoke machine and pretend you’re Kelly Clarkson. Drown out the ordinary day with thoughts of surgeries, philosophy, space, and music. Tell yourself you can conquer the world if you put your mind to it. Then realize world domination will have to wait because “Grey’s Anatomy” is on tonight. Finish your homework quickly. If there’s time to spare, you can read some more. Watch the show. Tell yourself you’re going to be just like those surgeons when you grow up. Go to bed. Think of holding a scalpel and possessing the competence to save someone’s life. Fall asleep. Dream of a burger and French fries doing yoga. Wake up the next morning extremely hungry.

Edited January 5, 2007 by Mimpy

[softwareNerd]

I don't know what people look for in a college essay. I've heard that it's about construction more than theme, i.e. about whether you can present a coherent flow of thought, rather than about the particular idea being presented. Do you know what colleges look for? If you do, then you need to think about how this essay meets those requirements.

Reading it as a general (i.e. non-college admission) essay, I can't figure out what exactly it's saying. What's the single-sentence summary? "A day in the life of Mimpy"? Or, "Why I want to be a surgeon?" or, "I wish this drudgery ends?" or what? Could you summarize what one or two ideas you were trying to convey?

[Mimpy]

Actually, I forgot to include the title. It was "A Day in the Life..." And since they wanted to know about me, I figured that if I summarized a day and pinpointed the things that were important to me, that they'd get a general idea about me.

And from what I've been told, colleges like a bit of humor, but not only humor. I figure they want some purpose in the essay as a whole, as well.

Georgetown requires 2 essays and one short answer. The short answr is supposed to be about an activity that is significant to me, so I wrote about singing and how that is a cathartic experience. The other essay is about my academic goals, in which I elaborated why I want to study medicine. This one is just supposed to be about me in general.

Edited January 5, 2007 by Mimpy

[LaszloWalrus]

One thing to be wary of: from my own experience, I have found that the evaluation of college essays can be arbitrary. There is no "right" essay, and it comes down to which type of student the admissions office is looking for.

[BaseballGenius]

You write about a few of your weaknesses, which is unnecessary in this case. Heres some examples:

"Get dressed, gulp down breakfast, and drive dangerously fast to the hospital."

"Make it to class with ten seconds to spare."

"Realize that nobody is in the classroom and then remember that there are clinicals today."

"Bump into the teacher, who looks at her watch."

"Ignore what the surgeon is saying because you’re so fascinated by the nail they’re drilling into this woman’s foot."

"Realize you don’t really understand what happened in the story and spend the rest of the period writing vague statements that could apply to almost anything."

"Finish your homework quickly.(because Grey's Anatomy is on)

I think it would be best if you portrayed your strengths a little more. Maybe pick a different day. A day where you put forth immense effort to accomplish something important to you, while also displaying your other values while you were away from working. Your current essay portrays you as an ordinary person with ordinary strengths and weaknesses. You need to appear as one of the best.

[softwareNerd]

Actually, I forgot to include the title. It was "A Day in the Life..." And since they wanted to know about me, I figured that if I summarized a day and pinpointed the things that were important to me, that they'd get a general idea about me.

With respect, I think a "Day in the Life..." is not the ideal way to "describe you" (as they ask). It can be used as a structure, but it would require to be done in a less naturalistic way, i.e. a way that shows your motivations, the results of your past actions, and your future purposes. For instance, can you put yourself in the position of a stranger reading this essay that purports to describe you. After reading it, imagine one asks the stranger to sum up who you are. What do you think would be his summary, from this essay? if your intent is to distinguish yourself, you do not want the stranger to summarize you along the lines of: "a typical high-school kid, ambling through life...nothing special here...move on".

And from what I've been told, colleges like a bit of humor, but not only humor. I figure they want some purpose in the essay as a whole, as well.

I assume that humor is fine, but not the primary that they're looking for. Do you know if they're trying to really evaluate you as a writer, asexpressorexpressor of ideas", as a person, what? I don't know the answer to that, but I see that there are a few web-sites that discuss tips for college essays. They probably have some information. Even if different colleges look for different things, there must surely be a couple of things that are commonly sought.

[Mimpy]

I think it would be best if you portrayed your strengths a little more. Maybe pick a different day. A day where you put forth immense effort to accomplish something important to you, while also displaying your other values while you were away from working. Your current essay portrays you as an ordinary person with ordinary strengths and weaknesses. You need to appear as one of the best.

I added those things in just for humor.....I appreciate the perspective, though. Do all those sentences really make me seem inadequate as an applicatant? If so, I'll surely revise them. Of course, I know what's really true and not, so I didn't think much of it. But an outsider's perspective is certainly helpful. Thanks

[BaseballGenius]

I added those things in just for humor.....I appreciate the perspective, though. Do all those sentences really make me seem inadequate as an applicatant?

This is how I see it:

"Get dressed, gulp down breakfast, and drive dangerously fast to the hospital." -Putting you and others at serious risk, instead of realizing that driving that way wont get you there much faster anyways.

"Make it to class with ten seconds to spare." -You lack discipline. You behave in high school like this, why would colleges think you would act any different in college.

"Realize that nobody is in the classroom and then remember that there are clinicals today." -You arent attentive, dont listen, and forget important things.

"Bump into the teacher, who looks at her watch." -You are tardy for class. Thats not good.

"Ignore what the surgeon is saying because you’re so fascinated by the nail they’re drilling into this woman’s foot." -You ignore the meaningful discussion, while focusing on the superficial images.

"Realize you don’t really understand what happened in the story and spend the rest of the period writing vague statements that could apply to almost anything." -You dont put in the effort to actually understand the material.

"Finish your homework quickly.(because Grey's Anatomy is on) -Your television viewing is a higher priority than learning and doing your work properly.

Dont put in humor while sacrificing your values.

Edited January 5, 2007 by BaseballGenius

[LaszloWalrus]

A MAJOR SUGGESTION:

Do not write your essay in sentence fragments (or imperatives).

Also, it's tough to see anything that sets you apart from anyone else in this essay.

[Mimpy]

A MAJOR SUGGESTION:

Do not write your essay in sentence fragments (or imperatives).

Not even for style's sake? Just curious!

I edited the essay:

A Day in the Life…

Swim, baby, swim! Keep your eyes wide open. Flail in the water. Escape is close. Look back once…the malicious shark is still chasing you. Reach the endpoint and wiggle your way through the hole in the tank. Get stuck. Mutter to yourself that you shouldn’t have eaten that last piece of pumpkin pie, no matter how much it had beckoned you. Squeeze in your stomach and lunge towards safety, the shark at your heel.

Wake up to see hazy shadows. Groan at the alarm clock screeching. Release your tight grip from the sheets and tell yourself it was the usual dream. Stumble in the dark to find your contacts. Poke your eyes out by accident. Get dressed, gulp down breakfast, and drive to the hospital. Make it to class with a minute to spare. Tell yourself, “I couldn’t be any more awesome.” Find nobody in the classroom and then remember that there are clinicals today. Run up the stairs, run out of breath. Watch the operation. Barely hear what the surgeon is saying at first because you’re so fascinated by the nail she's drilling into this woman’s foot. Decide that surgery is right for you. Decide you will be the best surgeon in the world, like McDreamy from “Grey’s Anatomy.” Start rambling to the surgeon how excited you are and how you never considered podiatrics before and how exactly she decided which drill to use. Notice the gleam of excitement in the surgeon’s eye and the eagerness with which she answers your questions.

Drive to school. Find an excellent parking spot. Take that to mean it’s going to be a good day. Walk into German and realize there’s a quiz today. Feel torn between reading something of your choice or quickly studying for the quiz. Reluctantly study and spill the information from your brain onto the paper. Forget it immediately afterwards. Get out Atlas Shrugged and read a few pages. Wonder why everyone doesn’t think like Ayn Rand. Duck when someone throws a crumpled piece of paper across the room when the teacher isn’t looking. Go to chorus. Sing. Pretend to look at everyone else when your voice cracks so they won’t think it was you. Walk to lunch. Eat less, talk more, and laugh till your stomach hurts. Feel a pang of sadness that soon you will all be separated and in different parts of the country. Go to the bathroom. Find no soap in the dispenser. Return to the cafeteria and wash your hands with sanitizer. Wash them again, just in case. In English, write an essay about “Heart of Darkness” and wonder what possessed Conrad to write such a confusing piece. Realize you don’t really understand his message, despite the time you spent trying to understand it, and spend the rest of the period writing vague statements that could apply to almost anything. “The author’s tone reveals his desperation to bring back humanity in his society’s ways!” Come out of physics thinking how cool it would be to be an astronaut. Go to government class and listen to people argue. Throw in your own two cents. “Capitalism!” “Individual rights!”

Come home. Shuffle down to the basement. Crank up the karaoke machine and pretend you’re Kelly Clarkson. Drown out the ordinary day with thoughts of surgeries, philosophy, space, and music. Tell yourself you can conquer the world if you put your mind to it. Then realize that world domination will have to wait because there’s homework to be finished. Complete your work. Read some more. Go to bed. Think of holding a scalpel and possessing the competence to save someone’s life. Fall asleep. Dream of astronauts on the moon, listening to rock music and contemplating the meaning of life.

Edited January 5, 2007 by Mimpy

[BaseballGenius]

Youre missing the bigger picture: portraying the strengths of your character. I think you should pick a better day that shows your talent and passion to become a surgeon(if thats what you plan to major in).

[BrassDragon]

Contrary to what others have said, I think the piece shows a lot of character - and good character, at that. You certainly don't come off as a "normal teenager," without anything distinguishing, to me. It's clear that you have a lot of curiosity, passion, determination, etc. At the same time, you show many qualities everyone can relate to. Lastly, I think it can take far more skill to write well outside of a formal style than within one - and you've shown that you can do that.

I do have two minor suggestions. Don't imply that you're concerned about your weight (with the pumpkin pie), because nearly everyone has negative stereotypes of the obese (even though you're likely not obese). Also, don't use "two cents" in reference to your political opinions. That implies that you yourself don't think they're important or well-considered.

Oh, also... be careful, there's a fine line between getting a little help and a dishonest amount of help on college essays.

P.P.S. Good choice on Georgetown, that's one I applied to and ultimately got into (but decided not to attend).

Edited January 5, 2007 by BrassDragon

[realitycheck44]

No offense, but your "edits" didn't really do anything. In fact, I think they're worse. For instance, saying you want to be like a charcter from Grey's Anatomy... I don't watch it, but it sounds awfully superficial. There are a couple places that you say things you definitely don't want to let a college admissions office know about you. In fact, I might consider starting over. I always write my essays like this starting from the premise: what do I want to say? What point do I want to make? Everything else is centered around that. Everything. The diction, the syntax, etc - it's all developed to make a single point. You can think of it like Howard Roark constructs his buildings- find the theme, that one thing that will define the essay, and build everything around it to create a beautiful, fuctional, piece of art. (Though you might want more help from the writers on the forum since I'm not really that great of a writer. I just have good ideas once and a while.)

In your case, the syntactical structure of the essay is fragmented, showing that you are rushing, frantic, stressed out... not exactly the impression you want to give. This, again, isn't a good thing to suggest. It kind of creates the idea that a day in your life is fairly trivial. I would go for the opposite impression: a day in my life might seem trivial, but it's really a grand adventure, one that leaves me excited to be alive. Show them how much you value your life. Personally, I don't think about history or English enough for it to merit even being mentioned in an essay about a day in my life: if you want someone to know you don't care about something, don't tell them that you blow it off, let them infer that from the fact that it wasn't important enough to be mentioned. (If you want to talk about english the way you do, you may want to say something to the effect of: Understanding why Conrad deliberately writes in horribly confusing syntax (or whatever) when the point of writing is to express one's ideas is as confusing as trying to figure out what he is trying to say.

Anyway, these are just a few suggestions. If you need ideas for another essay, I suggest you decide what it is you want them to learn about you, or even better, about life or philosophy, and use your life to demonstrate that point implicitly. If this doesn't make sense and you need more help, let me know. It's always selfish to want more Objectivists in top universities.

Zak

[DavidOdden]

A MAJOR SUGGESTION:

Do not write your essay in sentence fragments (or imperatives).

Let me second, third, forth and emphasize that. It's bad style, so don't do it for style's sake, for pete's sake. If you're not trying to convey the impression of being A Great Author and you're not trying to get into their creative writing program, why write ungrammatically? These essays have many purposes, but one of the most important it saying "This is how I will write, and in general approach my education". So did you accurately convey reality in your essay?

[softwareNerd]

Contrary to what others have said, I think the piece shows a lot of character - and good character, at that. You certainly don't come off as a "normal teenager," without anything distinguishing, to me. It's clear that you have a lot of curiosity, passion, determination, etc.

Sorry, I have to disagree. It is not sufficient to show a little curiosity here, a little passion there, and a little determination in another place, and surrounding it with tons of routine stuff to add realism. The essay lacks focus.

As Zak suggested, start with a theme. They want to know who you are, so start by answering this question: who am I? For instance, are you, in BrassDragon's words, "curious", "passionate" and "determined"? If so, then how do you make that the theme, rather than making them mere "mentions"? I think a "Day in the Life..." structure is a particularly difficult one for an essay about you, because it would be unrealistic to highlight your best aspects from the events of a single, routine day. I think some other structure, like "Looking back, Looking Forward..." might offer more opportunity to showcase yourself at your best.

You definitely do not want to make the essay come across as an untrue brag. On the other hand, you do not want to purposely throw in too much run-of-the-mill stuff to tone it down. For an essay like this, the first draft is better written with a bit of bragging rather than with humility. You can edit out the unrealistically boastful parts -- if any -- later, but let them into the first draft.

I do have two minor suggestions. Don't imply that you're concerned about your weight (with the pumpkin pie), because nearly everyone has negative stereotypes of the obese (even though you're likely not obese).

I don't think the mere mention of this is a factor one way or the other. One can show character and determination even with facts like this. Let's assume -- for the sake of argument -- that some line in the essay implies obesity. That's only a starting point. The really important stuff is what else the essay says about that. If the essay shows that you aren't trying to do anything about it, or if the essay says that you're trying but failing, then it comes across as negative. On the other hand, if the essay shows that you're doing something about it and (even if you might slip) you are succeeding in general, then it comes across as positive.

I only used that as an example, but the more general point is that your essay should contain proof that you're a winner. All said and done, all the detailed virtues you put in there are going to place you somewhere on the scale of "loser" --- "average" --- "winner" (i.e. someone who generally succeeds at things they attempt). That's the image you want to leave: that you will be a success in college and a credit to their institution.

Do not lie about the facts. However, choose your true facts well. This is an advertisement for Mimpy.

On the issue of style, I don;t think the fragmentary sentence style is good when used so extensively. I do not even think it is unique. More important, it actually makes the essay more difficult to read, because it shows thoughts as unintegrated fragments rather than as...an essay. For a college essay, where some component of the evaluation might be about your clarity of thought, such a style is still less suitable.

Oh, also... be careful, there's a fine line between getting a little help and a dishonest amount of help on college essays.

I don't think there's any presumption that parents, tutors and friends will not help kids with their essays. So, as long as someone isn't writing your essay for you, read all the tips you can get, collect all the ideas you can get.

All the best with this, Mimpy. May all your dreams come true.

[non-contradictor]

The dreaded "Tell us about yourself (in 500 words or less) essay." It always looks so simple, and then you try to write it. Heh. This is the essay that took me the longest. Most schools have one in some form or another.

First thing to address is whether you're getting too much help on your essay.

[cut]

Oh, also... be careful, there's a fine line between getting a little help and a dishonest amount of help on college essays.

[cut]

I work in my school's writing center as a peer tutor, and this time of year we get a lot of people in for help on college essays. We draw the line at "editing" a tutee's paper ie, we can tell the tutee how to fix the paper, but we can't fix it for them. Essentially, they're the ones holding the pens and writing down notes. So, as long as you're just getting suggestions, and not having someone re-write your essay for you, I think you're fine. In the end, it's up to you whether you want to listen to us or not, and with all the self-help books on college essay writing out there, I don't think, as softwarenerd pointed out, that colleges have any delusions that their appicants aren't going to ask for some tips.

Okay, next thing is don't be afraid to start over. I know you're probably tired of writing essays by now, but sometimes starting over takes a lot less time and energy than trying to force a good essay out of a topic that just doesn't work. You're writing about yourself. It shouldn't be that difficult. If you're having trouble getting across what you want to, it's probably the topic. For example, I spent three weeks writing/editing an essay with the same topic, only to show it to my mother, who told me, in no uncertain terms, that it was awful. After thinking about it a little more, I scrapped the entire essay, started over, and in two hours I had the essay that I ultimately submitted.

Actually, I forgot to include the title. It was "A Day in the Life..." And since they wanted to know about me, I figured that if I summarized a day and pinpointed the things that were important to me, that they'd get a general idea about me.

[cut]

It's not a general idea you want to give, though. They don't need to know everything you do in a day, but rather the specific things you do that are important to you. You don't have the space to write an autobiography, and they're not expecting you to. What they are looking for is: "What is it about Mimpy that will make her a good fit for my college?" What aspects of your personality make you a good fit for Georgetown? What made you decide to apply? Why do you think you would be happy there?

You're essentially intorducing yourself. This essay is the ultimate chance to make a first impression that you get to think about first. What do you want the person to know? Your current essay is sort-of like intorducing yourself by telling someone to follow you around for a day.

I hope that helps. If not, feel free to PM me.

[BrassDragon]

If the essay shows that you aren't trying to do anything about it, or if the essay says that you're trying but failing, then it comes across as negative. On the other hand, if the essay shows that you're doing something about it and (even if you might slip) you are succeeding in general, then it comes across as positive.

softwareNerd - I might agree with you here if I thought college admissions officers were relatively rational - but I think simple, irrational prejudice would cause them to be distracted by something like someone admitting they're obese, regardless of what they say they'll do about it. Then again, I don't have enough experience to say for sure, so you may be right.

As for LaszloWalrus's suggestion about style - I would agree if Mimpy only had one essay to show that she can write a formal essay extremely well. But she has more than one, so I feel like that mitigates the problem if she does a great job on the other essay.

In the end, my analysis is this. Using the fragmented style, I think, is more risky - with greater potential for both reward and loss. Mimpy, if you judge you're pretty certain to get in as long as the essay is pretty good, be more conservative. If you think you need an extra push, you might take the risk. (I think colleges like Georgetown are so selective that they turn down lots of perfect candidates, so you might want an extra push, but judge for yourself.) And good luck.

[Mimpy]

Thanks, everyone, for all your comments. I have edited the piece a quite a bit more, and I'm happy with it. The sentence structure is still the same. Even though many of you said that I shouldn't do this, I agree with BrassDragon that there is a "greater potential for both reward and loss." Among the people I've shown this essay to, some people have loved the structure and others not so much. It's really 50/50, so I'm going to take the risk. Also, this is not the only essay I have to write for GU. The other one, which is about my future goals and academic interests, is written in the conventional style, so I have no doubt that the admissions officers will receive a correct understanding of my serious writing capabilities. I have edited some of the areas where I was perhaps poking a bit of too much fun about my character that could be interpreted negatively, not comically.

Thanks, everyone.

[softwareNerd]

Hope it wows them. Keep us posted.