Scientist II

FaSheezy: It is not so much a question of "stopping," like I am a smoker and want to quit, it is trying to find the best course of action. I could just never call or write to her again, but is that the best solution? I don't know. However, this isn't just meaningless "mental gymnastics," either; I have already decided that I will choose a course of action by the end of the year and then stick with it. I just need to decide what is right. Ed from OC: Having thought about it, I do know what I want; a relationship with another woman. And next time I see her there will be no fooling around. But I still have to decide if I should remain friends with her or not. I have discussed this with her, but I have never directly asked her why she is giving me mixed messages. I will do so next time we talk.

Thanks for the additional comments! I will only deal with Kevin Delaney's comments in this post, as it is long enough as it is Kevin Delaney: You are generally correct, though I think I made the situation seem worse than it is. I do have other friends, just no one who I am really close with and who I can seriously talk to about this stuff. This is why I am trying to figure out what is going on. It has always been my assumption that when I start a new relationship any feelings I have for the girl we are talking about will go away and then there will be no problem being friends. Do you think that just because she broke up with me it is impossible to have a friendship? Is the only relationship possible between people of different sexes romantic? I am seriously asking, here. This is something I have thought about a lot. If I thought it would be better to not be friends with this woman and to never see her again I would do it, but right now I am not sure what is the best course to take (which is the point of the topic.) My problem is not that I can't bring myself to leave, but deciding if leaving is the best course of action. Will my feelings go away if I never talk to her again? And there are good things about the relationship too that I would miss. Well, I can't argue with you much here. I am trying. But I am very frustrated! It is not, and I cannot be too emphatic about this, not enough to just talk to women. There is a learned skill to the entire process, from selecting people you are interested in to getting them on a date. I haven't learned this skill yet, so I always strike out. It is not just a matter of practice, because practice only works if you have a general idea of what you are doing. It is like if I gave a physics class where there was no notes, no textbook, nothing available on the web and then I expected them to learn from taking the test. Some of them could learn this way, but many would not. Most men learn this skill when they are a lot younger, and by the time they are my age it is so ingrained they don't even think there is a skill involved (like typing, most of us can do it so easily it seems natural but there was a learning process involved.) For whatever reason I didn't pick up this skill and I am paying for it now. I am sure it is something I can learn, I just don't know how (and talking to random women isn't going to help.) I am very frustrated because what I am doing now isn't working, but I don't know what else to do. And I do talk to women, I just can't seem to complete the job (just yesterday I tried and failed, though at least she said that she was "flattered" I asked.) I have never successfully asked a girl out. The girl in question asked me out. It is irrational to continue an unsuccessful practice over and over again and somehow expect a different result. This isn't an excuse, either; this problem is no one's fault but mine, and I am the one who is going to have to fix it. I just don't know how! Anyway, I am sorry if that was too strong, I am just really frustrated and tired of the whole thing. Well, I think everything you said was right on target, and I really just have to do some serious thinking and make some hard choices. And you aren't being hard on me... if anything, I need to be much harder on myself (without feeling guilty, as you point out.) Do you really think that women really want a more aggressive man? It seems logical, but it goes against everything I have been taught (though I can's say my education in this area has been of high quality) and epically against everything women say they want. Perhaps that is really my problem, I am too soft. When is your book coming out? I think I could really use it!

Hello, I am the same member as "Scientist," I just got logged out when the site switched over and now I can't remember my password! The e-mail address I made that account with no longer works, so until I remember what the password was I will have to use this account. Anyway, I will handle the replies in order (but feel free to make comments on anything, you don't have to just stick to the reply I make to you!) labrat: No, I wouldn’t say I love her, I just like her a lot and really respect her. How do you know if you are in love with someone? I always thought it would be an easily recognizable feeling. Certainly she doesn’t love me. The major reason I keep talking to her is because she is my only really close friend here. It is sometimes difficult, but I think it would be more difficult being really alone. I guess the real solution is to make some more close friends and then it would be easier to let go. BurgessLau: I will try to answer each of your points . My school does have counseling services, and I have considered it, but I don't know how much it would help. It would be nice to talk to someone, but none of the core issues would be resolved (I am lonely, have trouble meeting women, I still have feelings for my ex, etc.) Well, perhaps I should look more carefully at it. I do have requirements, but I don't have a checklist or anything that I use when I meet someone! The first thing is that I have to enjoy being with the woman. She has to be able to carry on a conversation... doesn’t have to be the smartest person who has ever lived, but I expect a reasonable degree of intelligence and education. She has to have some ambition for her life. We have to have a shared set of values... not that we have to agree on everything (and that might even be boring,) but if she is a devout communist then obviously it is not going to work! As an example of this, there is a girl who is interested in me, but she is a very fundamentalist Christian. There would be many issues there that I think would prevent any kind of workable relationship between us. I want someone who takes care of them self physically... not that they have to be in great shape or an athlete, but if they are very overweight or don't shower or something then I think that indicates other problems. I personally do not want children, though that is something that I could talk about and decide about later in a relationship. These are very general things, but is this giving you an idea? I don't think there is anything wrong with me becoming involved with someone younger than me, but in my experience here the younger women are very immature and I am just not interested! I am talking about freshmen in college. Most of the girls I meet are through teaching (which really isn't the best way to meet people, anyway.) If I met a mature person who was younger then there would be no problem being friends or having a relationship. I'm not that old, but it seems like there is a big divide between myself and the students I see now... I don't dress fashionably, I'm not into all the modern fads, and to be honest I am not the best looking man who has ever lived, so I just don't think younger women are that interested in me. No, and I might be happy with a relationship that I knew had a chance of ending when grad school was over. I honestly think I need more romantic experience before going into a "final" relationship, so such a situation would be acceptable to me. No, and that is a problem I recognize. I am teaching myself how to draw and paint, which I enjoy but it is pretty much a solo effort (especially considering I can't stand the kind of artwork made on campus.) I also like architecture very much and like looking at different buildings, doing drawings of buildings I imagine, etc. but that is also pretty solo. I have done things in the past with the purpose of meeting women, but it has always been a bad experience for me. I never meet anyone, and that spoils the entire thing for me when I should be enjoying it. I do go to the museum here, to the bookstores and places like that, but frankly those are horrible places for meeting people, at least for me. The most popular leisure activity on campus is getting drunk, and as I don't drink it is hard to participate So, does that cover your questions? I can be more specific if you want, I just don't want to bore everyone to death! Yes, I agree. At least theoretically, as I have not been in very many relationships! That is one of the major reasons I want one... it is not that I can't be happy by myself, but I really feel that I am missing something at my age being alone. Inspector: Well, I don't know if I would use the word "riddled," but I don't take offense. The problem is really two things. Firstly, I haven't been in a relationship since her and so it is difficult to get rid of some of the feelings I have. Secondly, I have to find a way to eliminate some of the emotions I have on my own. It has been two and a half years, so I don't think time is helping the process very much. I hope everyone doesn’t think I sit at home all day thinking about this! Most of the time it doesn’t bother me at all, right now is a little harder than normal because of things going on at my department but even so it is not so bad. Regardless of how much it affects me, this is something I need to get over and deal with, which is why I posted. General posts about being friends with someone after a relationship is over: I tend to agree with the position that if someone can't handle you being friends with an ex then they are not suitable, but again I have to admit my ignorance of relationships. Thinking about the way I would feel, I can see why it might be difficult for someone to deal with. Anyway, I found the discussion interesting. So, I hope that covers it! Just posting and reading what everyone says is helping, so I want to thank everyone. Keep posting if you want, I think all the posts are interesting and informative, but don't feel obligated to respond!