Saraswathi

My heart goes out to the little kids who for no fault of theirs have to suffer so much..I do suggest the baby or maybe all the kids go for adoption to a family that WANTS them...your brother being an alcoholic and his wife(I do not know her nature,but having been to jail for a proven offence) do not seem like very loving parents at all.Certainly the kids don't deserve this.You also cannot give mother AND father's love and affection and think that you MAY like them.Although the situation doesn't give too many choice for the kids,I believe that they deserve their needs being meet as much completely as possible.Childhood happens once and has a lasting impact on people.So I suggest you may suggest your brother to give his children for adoption.It would be painful,but maybe the pian would atleast end for the children.Otherwise it may continue.

Dear all, I had posted earlier about a break-up I had had.What has happened is that three months hence my ex wants to get back!It is not to be denied that I had misssed him and hadn't completely gotten over him,but moved on greatly regarding my need for him and of anyone in general.The reason for the break-up was that due to various professional and other reasons,he had felt "unworthy" of me.But now he feels confident and wants to be back with me.There had been a few mini-break ups earlier with similar issues and once in a big way when he couldn't stand upto his parents who oppossed our alliance.But I should admit he had later managed the courage to stand up for "us".But still there were more "running aways". Right now I don't seem to be able to think clearly at all,swinging betwween "happy hope" and "cynicism". Essentially I am scared!Also there is a fear of hurting him especially since he has managed to make a confident step.But well I cannot be a mother to a 25 year old man! I don't seem to be able to see things rationally.Although finally I will make my own decision,I do wish to get inputs. Thanks. Saraswathi.

I think you're reading my question in too a narrow a sense. I'll explain below. No, I don't. For maybe the third or fourth time, I don't think reproduction is a better fundamental value than life or that it's more appropriate, I just cannot see how, objectively, one can arrive at the conclusion that life is the logical ultimate value when equally valid alternatives, such as reproduction (which also appears more logically defensible), are available. I only brought reproduction into this whole debate because of Rand and Peikoff's erroneous claims that all organisms have sustaining their own lives as their ultimate objective. The simple fact is that the whole of an organisms ecology is based around maximising successful reproduction (meaning the production of successful offspring) and managing the tradeoffs between reproduction and self preservation such that lifetime reproductive output will be maximised. This makes it very clear, that if you were to make generalisation about the fundamental "objective" for want of a better term of living organisms, it would be reproduction because all else is traded off to achieve this objective. Dear Dionyus, I supose I have only now got your real question right..correct me if I am wrong,but u seem to actually want to point out that there can be valid arguments against some ideas that are a part of Ayn Rand's Objectivism,and that there might be generalizations and errors in what she said.... If that is so I agree with you competely and without offending anyone on the forum would assert that the best that I think I gained from Objectivism was the importance of using my independent judgement..... I do not think that everything written by Ayn Rand or anybody else for that matter should be hailed as the "Correct"..for then soon enough dogmatism would set in..infact even all religions have some nice ideas about living and loving etc but when dogmatism sets in..well most of you here know how intellectual stagnation and rationalisations can occur...For myself I have learnt about Objectivity way back in my school science when I had not even heard of Ayn Rand and did believe that scientific thinking should be part of life in general..which is what I see in Ayn Rands' philosophy....But neither Ayn Rand/Darwin/Newton can give me definite answers to everything but there could still be sense in what they proposed..It is for us to chaff out what stands the test of time and what doesn't.....I hope this is what u are getting at?

I suppose replies are still welcome for this question.. Yes I have often experienced fear of death and also fear of disability which entails loss of independence.. I feel that the first fear has more to do wth having specific goals not satisfied..of hopelessness rather than some endlessness..I think the unhappiness and endlessness of not OBTAINING the desired goal gives me fears of dying...of dying before I can manage to reach my goal.... Also it seems to be triggered afer"loss-of-control" situations where I might have faced any domination,manipulation and was helpess against something....even simple accidents...I suppose being a super-woman perfetionist has been one of my goals and these situations show me my inadequacies!! The other fear,if it may help of being disabled might have also to do with the loneliness and the feelings of worthlessness when one feelks that if I cannot fend for myself nobody would finmd any value in me to help preserve me...

Dear Dionysus, My understanding is that neither an "organism's" survival nor reproduction,but maintenance and increase in the copy number of each gene in the gene pool is the essential criterion.If the method of reproduction yeilds better results that is preferred.I recommend you to read 'The Selfish gene" by Richard Dawkins. There is also a very inetersting case of "Wolbachia" that lives as a parasite inside other organisms and since it can propagate in females,it can make the sisters in the host organism eat up their brothers!!...Miriad ways in which it plays around with its hosts's sex-ratio and various other espectes.Turns out its genes have managed to make sure of their propagation and the host's behaviour is not tuned to its survival or reproduction. Coming to human beings.Although we are not exempt from the principles of nature,we have the capacity to understand and manipulate our environment.But for our brains and a few special unique features,we are no match with say the venom of snakes or of the speed of a leapord.And that can give us a choice of understanding that we live our lives, thats all.No matter even if a few of us are at the dead-end evolutionarily,their inividual lives pre se can have high quality.This is what they as oppose to nature can decide. Infact I believe that objective understanding of facts being also an important feature of science, actually has helped us to overcome the evolutionary challenges, that without our intellect we may not have much chance at.

Amazing and interesting to see that someone has managed it to the extent you have described.I wonder if you have been brought up in a very loving and rational atmosphere or have managed to overcome so many negative external infleunces that most of us seem to be struggling to overcome.. Well,nice to know..

From your post it looks like the girl wants things easy...and won't take a stand on any matter..think about whether you would really want to be with someone who will not take responsibility for herself..and her choices...

I came across this site called Despair.com in which there are n number of rationalisations to deny all the virtues one seems to know...Of course it may be intended humorously,also some ideas seem true..like there is one that says that"never underestimate the power of idiots in groups" but the intent of the site seems to be a destruction of the positive values needed to be happy and healthy.. Anybody have any views on this?

Dear Easy does it, I think that people who,in the pursuit of the best will want to deny whatever they have got are not always really striving for happiness....this is by no means to say that one shouldn't have high standards,but often it could be a camouflage to hide their unwillingness to be happy in life and that could be due to the fact that allowing ourselves to be happy may force us to also acknowledge the not so happy things..so it might be convenient to say that nothing is good enough...this may be only one possibility.... Another thing is I would recommend a book I am reading ...called "Women who love too much" .. It talks about how people tend to keep hoping their partner to change when the reality is that they are quite unlikely to and how to deal with the tendencies of finding the "not-so-good" guys A relationship needs two people to want to be in it and it is better to let him do what he likes.. you'd be better off finding someone who will also want to be with you and would therefore put in HIS share of work to sustain it......it looked from your post like you might be carrying it all on your own..do check if he is really valuing you and rewarding you for all that.. And about reading Atlas Shruged..if he would accept you if you would only read a book today,he would keep placing other conditions tomorrow..there are plenty of voluminous books that he may feel essential.... This is not to be taken as saying that one shouldn't expect anything from a partner...but the expectations should also be rational...It shouldn't be a neccessary condition for acceptance...It may be more reasonable say,if he loves you and may suggest that you read it or think that it would help you,but would be willing to give you the freedom to do so or not.... All the best..

Maybe I can relate in a way.I have had a similar problem only that I used to dose off instantly due to tiredness,but would wake up and there would be so many thoughts that it would be hard to fall asleep, though half of me is stuggling to shut down the thoughts and go to sleep again.Of course I would feel tired duting the day.I have found that keeping aside even 15 minutes before sleeping to jot down issues in my "Issues Catalogue" helped.I try actually to spend more time actually thinking each issue through ,but first pen down what all constitue my"think work" for the day.It tends to take away the urgency of thought and allows me to sleep and the questions are more defined to think about during any free time in the day.

I would say "srew that "and move on and I do believe that in the long run success has a lot to do with individual abilities.In a competition what matters finally is quality and it would speak for itself.Although advertising is helpful and may even be necessary,advertising cannot ever stand alone.If one sells out there isn't much left to be advertised in reality. I suggest sticking to your own standards of efficiency but also letting others be the way they are.You have your choices.

Thanx

Dear all, I had been going around with this guy and the relationship has ended now.There is no chance of reconciliation now and so I need to accept the fact that the relationship had ended.The guy has problems and says that he feels he is not good enough for me and feels inferior.Such problems have occuerrd and may mini break-ups when I always eneded up convincing him that he does not have to think so much negative and this time I wanted to not get him back when he runs away.I accepted his decision and waited hoping that he will change his mind.He only came back after 2 days to return all my stuff.I do want to convince him again.But it looks like he is firm on this.I am going to respect his decision. But this is my third relationship breaking.This time I was pretty sure that things will stay and in my perspective things were fine and I was happy with him and had invested a lot into the relationship. But now that things are the way they are I need to take care of myself.I am doing things like analysing to learn from all the broken relationships and listening to music, getting books and keeping myself occupied. Any more tips would be greatly appreciated.

I would suggest Ayn Rand's "Who needs philosophy?" and Nathaniel branden's "How to improve your self-esteem","The disowned self" and "How to live consciously". That apart you could try counselling from a good psychotherapist. Good luck.

U don't seem to be unattractive at all,from the photo and certainly your ideas. Edited to fix broken quote--JMeganSnow

[you achieve a good relationship by being a good person and then exercising your judgement. I don't think it is entirely true.By being a good person I am happy with myself,and by exercising judgement I can find my faults and correct myself ,and choose people who match with my value systems. But a relationship requires that the other person also does the same.It is not true that others would always reward my good qualities and not misuse them. For one thing in the past my judgements have been wrong and I chose(by mistake) to be with people who didn't really share my values.I had made mistakes of judgement. Now I am too suspicious with ANYONE who wants to be friendly. I am defensive and if I use my judgement and decide that this person is OK still my fears remain. It is like if one is on a lonely road at night,even if there is no thug one can feel insecure. I am asking for help about my vulnerability.I am too afraid of getting hurt.And therefore the link with confidence and I termed confidence in ralationships or friendships as 'lovability'. If I am confident I assume that I shouldn't be paranoid or overly sensitive.

What precisely do you want help with? What do you mean by "earning lovability"? There is not some big relationship counter tallying up your success rate at relationships that people can look at to know whether they want to have a relationship with you. Every single relationship is entirely different and you must work on them individually. The relationship counter is my happiness in a relationship.I tend to get too hurt too often and then distance myself.I do not trust people easily and when I get close to someone trustworthy I develop fears and insecurities at the slightest provocation.

I consider being lovable to be an aspect of self-esteem that has to be earned.The problem is with other aspects of achievements one can use oppurtunities like say, exams to test one's abilities and improve or gain confidence and, most of the time both. Another example is overcoming stage fear and learning to speak in public AND gain confidence in public speaking. My problem is that I have had very few good friends and a few disastrous relationships that have hurt a lot. In most cases the reasons for the breakups have been others' irrationalities.I became more wary of getting close to people. But now I realise that I have deprived myself too much,been too lonely and when now,in a relationship,get insecure,highly sensitive and often jealous(I have posted on that before). Now my irrational fears and unfaced hurts are affecting my behaviour in relationships. Essentially I believe I have litle confidence in these matters and my insecurity stems from not having "earned my lovability" through forging and maintaining successful relationships. Any help?

I have had a similar experience and in reterospect I am glad that I did not end up having a relationship with my 'friend".A person who cannot respect his/her own feelings won't be able to respect mine. It is also very much possible that your 'friend' may not really have any romanic feelings towards you.What is blatantly obvious to you may be your perception. No I don't think that you can have romantic feelings for her and still be freinds.Your expectations are higher than a friendship can provide.So you are likely to feel disappointed and hurt.It may only be possible one day when you have gotten over your romantic feelings. I suggest that you make what you are going through clear to her and distance yourself.If in reality she has been denying feelings for you,she would have to admit it now, since she would realise that she can't take you for granted and behave like a girlfriend but not take any responsibility for her actions.

Exactly

I think it is a valid reason to love someone because other rational people love them. The fact that rational people apprectiate this person may draw our attention to him/her,but to actually love someone one must finally use one's own judgement.

Thank you for the reply.My question was about the phases when Mr.A has understood what improvements have to be made or finally has to acknowledge that he has done his best and can expect no longer from that goal. From your post I understand that one should both,think objectivelyand behave accordingly as well as allow feelings to surface while doing what one has decided is right . Essentially I needn't shield my feelings but control my behaviour. Thanx for pointing it out.I will try to improve.

I am often confused when faced with some disppointment which is due to something that cannot be changed by me as to whether to grieve it or shield the pain because there isn't anything I can do about it anymore and dwelling on it might prevent me from finding some better alternative.For eg., say some attemt to get something did not work,apart from correcting my mistakes I cannot help feel bad that the failure had happened.If the corrections have been understood there is actually no point regretting things.And the scenarios in which the source of disappointment is another person or something out of my control apart from focussing on what I CAN change or achieve is it better to shield myself from the pain or to yield in and if so to what extent so as not to lose control.They say that things may happen to us,it is our attitude that determines how we take it.So should I dismiss what is not rationally obtainable or to open up to the negative feelings becuase the disappointment is real?

I am one of 3 ladies.Yes they do behave similarly with all ladies and the guys who are not friends with them.But nobody else seems to worry about it.My boss doesn't interfere and these guys are average at work.

Hi, I am a student in a lab where one is expected to give periodic work presentations.Now there are 2 people in the lab who engage in a lot of unreasonable criticism behind people's backs and some who silently support such behaviour by listening.One of them has a gender problem,in that he cannot accept women doing well.So no matter how a female student is,he makes it a point to criticize her on her back and leaves no oppurtunity to make fun of her achievments and find faults.The other has a very negative view of all achievements.During work I do not let their views influence me,but it has happened twice that during presentations,especially when my work has not been upto the standards I set,even though they may be sufficient for the talk,I tend to get influenced by how the critisizers may view my work and it affects me for at that time.They also make bored,annoyed faces as if they have been forced to sit in the talk.Their expressions demoralize me and I have underperformed in my presentations and am fearful that this might happen again.Any suggestions on how I might shield myself?