Alfa

I agree that you can't build romance on that foundation. Imagine telling a girl; "well sweetheart, you are my second best choice...". I don't think that would make anyone fall head over heels for you. I think however that comparing others to your ex could be a bit unfair. I guess the real qualities could be compared, if you really want to do that, but keep in mind that your judgement might be a bit affected by the emotional ties you have to your ex. This could probably mean that even if you find someone good enough your emotional response would not be the same; perhaps you will not feel as charmed and happy as you would with your ex. If you make these comparisons you will at least subconciously expect the same, and the truth is that you will never find that for the simple reason that people are different and unique. To put it more simply; if you don't intend to go get her, then you need to let her go. Instead you should get involved with other women. Get to know them, explore their own unique charateristics, and compare them only to your own standards. Perhaps you will even get to know yourself better by discovering new "tastes". My point here is that you judge them individually and make sure you do not expect them to be someone they are not. Let me try and make a little analogy(this may fall a bit short, we'll see). Remember the first time you had sex? I think most people remember that. It may or may not have been great, but it probably was a very special experience. You have probably had better sex lots of times after that, but still you might not remember those times as clearly as the first time. See where i'm going? The first time was special and maybe not so easy to compare to other times, even though judged by your standard for sex you probably had a lot better sex the other times. A comparison might be a bit unfair. So, how would two different girls compare, when you had something special with one of them and the other one you might have dated a couple of times?

I remember seeing a similar thread some while ago but I can't seem to find it again... but anway, I think this could possibly lead to some different kinds of questions. This is about something that's been bothering the hell out of me for a very long time, but hopefully this will also raise some interesting questions for you who like to deal with the generalities and principles. Me, I just write to see if I can get my head straight. I'll start with a little brief history about myself. Ever since my early teens I have been fat, or at least chubby, kid. Also, with a personality that would stand out... well, without going into details i'm sure you can imagine how this could create a few problems. Along the years I also grew fatter and fatter, until a couple of years ago where I found myself disgusted with the way I looked, while I also worked at a job that was slowly breaking my body down. To make a short story even shorter, I decided that I will refuse to live my life feeling weak, fat and even sick. You know, it´s a strange feeling i've had almost all my life, being so detached from my own body. It's like i'm proud, but would stand short and with a poor posture. My mind is willful and strong, but the body would be fat and weak... and so on. I think that's the exact opposite to how it should be like. So, a little more than a couple of years ago I started to weight train and loose weight. In less than a year I lost around 75lbs. I looked like skin and bones, but getting rid of that fat sure made a hell of a difference, and after that I have focused more on building muscle and gaining a little weight again. The point is, I have been doing great. In fact I would even go so far as to say it's my greatest achievement yet. However, that must be understood within the right context. The improvements I have made are direct results of how well I have applied my mind to this task. It's a product of my thinking and reasoning. Furthermore, I have pushed through physical and mental limits that I believe most people cannot even imagine. All aspects put together it's been a truly rewarding experience. One results from this is that in many ways I have come to love my own body. It's not really that I look great, because quite frankly I don't, but when I see myself in the mirror I see the progress and achievement. And seeing all that it's not like i'm going to care about a little excess fat or other minor flaws, most of which I could get rid of fairly quickly. A lot of people just accept what they were born with, but in a sense I made this. There's one thing however, and this is like a constant reminder. I can feel great about myself, but no matter how good it gets this thing can always bring me down like a swift kick in the nuts. My problem is that since my early teens I got gynecomastia, which is kind of disfiguring. And the worst thing is I can't do anything about it. Exercise can make it less noticeable but it will only help so far. Surgery would be an option if I had the money, but I don't see how I could afford that in a long time. I guess I could try not to care what others might think, but the problem is I[/i think it's awful. I can ignore it to a certain extent, but sooner or later it always gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it. So the question here is; how could one deal rationally with issues like this?

You know, I actually agree with you, what i wrote was not meant to be taken that seriously. It's just that these differences can make communicating a bit difficult at times and frustrating too. Hey, that was only funny when I wrote it!

... which means that when a woman speaks half of the meaning gets lost if you miss the underlying hint. And, if the woman so chooses, everything you say can be misinterpreted in a million different ways. I'm actually only half-joking here. Women in general tend to focus much more on what is not being said, or the implications of the words, while men tend to ignore it. That could be due to womens better nonverbal understanding.

So, it's actually scientifically proven that men cannot understand women. I know some of you might want to object here and say that it goes both ways, but that's wrong. Women can understand men perfectly, they just choose not to. However, all things considered one can't help but to love women. *sigh*

I have thought along the same lines myself, and I also get that feeling of degradation - knowing what a real partner could and should be. However, a common mistake here is to get your standards mixed up. Many people tend to use, knowingly or unknowingly, their previous partner as their standard - instead of recognicing the standard this previous partner lived up to. That's a big mistake because there are many different ways one can live up to that standard, and it will be impossible for a potential partner to live up to someone else. So when considering someone else, are you sure you are not comparing her to your previous partner; only to get dissapointed when they are not the same?

Now that's not exactly what I meant, and it was sound advice that I gave her. She will hopefully learn something about how she responds to rest and exercise, while she also takes care of other things... Nothing wrong with that, but because of the nature of my advice I thought it better to point out that i'm not joking.

Your explanation might seem plausible but I would not bet my money on that... I suspect the truth is that you exercise too much/too frequently/too hard. I don't think you are substituting sex with exercise but rather your bodys craving for adrenaline and other stuff that gets released during exercise. The adiction to adrenaline will keep you very(sometimes extremely) motivated and anxious to train, and if you don't exercise.... well, I think you might be confusing that feeling with other urges. I could be wrong but this is actually very common and most people are unaware of it. My suggestion is that you take atleast a couple of weeks off from all exercise and start masturbating more frequently. I'm serious. Do it.

I'm reffering to open in regards to ones nature, and to do that one has to be honest about himself. A dishonest person could only appear open. They might seem sincere but in reality they are only hiding behind their words. Somone with an honest self-image. and who likes himself, has no reason to hide anything(however not suggesting there's necessarily a reason to show everything either). I believe only such a man could be genuinely open with who he is. Now the "group hugs" and stuff would only be in my particular case. If I would be dealing with other kinds of people they might even hate me. That is sort of the point of being more open - it helps you connect with the right kind of people.

Yes, and an other thing to add is that this fear of becoming friendless is completely irrational. If you are not honest you will not find any real friends in the first place, and people of higher virtue will turn you down because they will not trust you. So the Peter Keatings of this world will only find loneliness, and the more "sucessfull" they are the worse it will get. Okay, I think I understand you better now. And just to make it clear, I think your friend is acting right here. I might also have been thinking of a whole different kind of people than your friend. I must say though that I feel a bit confused as to how this relates to your first post... Have I provided a good answer to the questions you raised there or have I missed something? Sorry I got a bit off track... I think we are on the same page here, but I had to check so that you were not talking about expressing ones opninion even in the most trivial situations.

Allright, I was only making some assumptions and of course I don't know your friend. What I don't understand though is how your friend comes off as a cold blooded bastard? Maybe it's just brutality. I guess what it's reffering to is an honest opninion intentionally expressed in a very offensive manner. That is about more than just being honest, and as you say honesty in itself can never be a bad thing. Agreed. This is interesting however... is it possible to not expres ones true opninion(i'm not talking about lying) without repressesing ones self?

That's a very good question. I would not say that anything is stoping me, because I have made a lot of progress, but there are some things in my way. One thing, I guess, is that I tend to "overthink" stuff. I just start to ponder; "should I say this or that, what if maybe..." and so on. In those cases the moment is probably gone before I reach a descision, or I have just built up too much anxiety. The sollution is of course to just f-ing say it. But on the other hand, speaking withouth thinking can sort of go wrong... and I must be the king of screw ups(especially those times I talk to myself, it seems...). That means theres always something to get misunderstood or misinterpreted, and somtimes that really makes me feel frustrated and unsure. It should perhaps be noted that I mostly socialize with people that I like and respect, so it seems important to me that they atleast can make a just and truthfull judgement of me. Another thing is that I could for example know how to initiate a conversation, but find it difficult to keep it going or even lead it where I want. This often keeps me from seeking contact with new people, not in that i'm afraid to approach them, I just have no idea where it would be going. What I do now is just try not to worry about anything, relax and whatever happens happens... but I don't think that's going to work all the way.

I think Sophia has sort of hit the nail on the head in this issue here, but it's interesting that you brought this up and I like to elaborate a bit more on this. Let's begin with what has actually driven me to this stage where I want to become more open. As I said earlier I have always been very introverted, never had that many friends and most social situations feel kinda awkward. Although not being a very big problem, talking to women has of course always been the most difficult part. So anyway... a little while ago I found myself in a situation where I realised that I really wanted to make friends with some people, and more than just friends in one case. Now that can be pretty difficult, especially when all of them happen to be very lovely ladies. I was simply in a situation where I felt very uncomfortable and this discomfort was in the way of a great value. Sure, I could always be the "quiet type" and hope that everyone would see what a good person I really am... but a fact is that if you shut up too much people will never learn who you are, and if you don't show them it's going to be darn difficult to make new friends, plus of course more romantic pursuits are going to be even more difficult. The sollution is to become more open and show people who I am, and what I think is good about myself. When I talk about honesty it's really about being honest to yourself and who you are, holding on to your values - especially your own self-worth and value - and not limit this out of fear or anxiety. Now regarding your friend... I am the opposite to him. I am much more benevolent in my dealings with people, I genuinely like most people and I try not to say an ill word unless they tread on me. On the other hand, it seems to me like your friend is bitter, cynical and not all to happy with himself. If most people regard him as a cold hearted bastard, chances are he's acting like one. While I do value honesty I wonder what people gain by acting so called "brutally honest"? It seems more like trying to put people down with some sort of excuse about "just being honest", and perhaps compensating for a low self-worth. Of course this only based on my interpretation of what you wrote about your friend, so I could be mistaken about him. However this is the tendency I see with most people who are like that, and I don't see why anyone who feel genuinely good about himself would want to act in that way. I also don't buy that most people suck. Most people are a mix of good and bad, which means that when you deal with them you have to choose what you want to focus on. Focusing on the bad things is easy, you never have to get disappointed, and you don't have to bother too much with other people since they are idiots anyway. Seeing the good in people is more difficult; seeing something of value you tend to invest in it, which sometimes will leave you disappointed, even hurt, and simply take a bigger risk because you tend to close the distance between you and them. We all know people are not perfect but if we try and see the best in them(and ourselves), and invest in that, in the end that is also what we will get back. However this attitude cannot, and should not, be applied towards everyone. Some people are just malicious, destructive and generally evil, and that's unforgiveable. So when I talk about showing my "wonderfull self"(it sounds more pretentious than it's meant) i'm talking about a benevolent, loving and caring attitude towards people with whom i'd like to share a positive... um, "sense of life"(if that makes sense...). But of course I am discriminating, this is just about a general attitude - i'm not going for some hippie crap like handing out free hugs to random strangers. Finally, in regards to "acting withouth boundaries to percieved social limits". Well... I have always been an expert of saying the wrong things and making myself misunderstood, so i'm kind of allright with people laughing - that doesent bother me too much. But when it comes to talking more freely and openly, people actually tend to respect that. Yes, they might think you're a bit weird and odd but when dealing with most adults they often just accept it - some people even find it a bit refreshing, I think. However, I guess it also depends more specifically on the way you act - some people confuse acting freely with being outrageous, which is just irrational. Anyway, I hope I have shed some light over my thinking here. I also hope i'm not too confusing, I find it very difficult to put theese ideas into words.

Hehe, I hope the collar bones are not her most feminine features(very little work has been put down in that area, btw). Thanks. I must say however, that this is truly nothing compared to what can be done. Have a look at some of the stuff over att CGTalk or ZBrushcentral: http://forums.cgsociety.org/forumdisplay.p...mp;daysprune=-1 http://www.zbrushcentral.com/zbc/featured2col.php If you browse through the galleries there you can find some truly amazing stuff.

I'm posting this thread mainly because i'm interested in learning about any objectivist CG-artists, perhaps to get inspiration or share ideas. My own work is not really mature yet but i'll give you a little brief history and submit my latest work in progress. It was maybe a year ago that I picked up this little hobby of mine again. Many years ago I spent alot of time struggling to learn different 3D-applications but aside from more technical knowledge I never got anywhere with that. It wasnt until a friend of mine introduced me to ZBrush that I actually started to learn more "artistic" skills(with alot of help at first), and that's also how I have developed a real passion for creating art. Because of this, and although I still have a hell of a lot to learn, I have decided that within 5 years(hopefully sooner, but trying to be realistic) i'm going to be good enough to work professionally with this. During this last year I have been trying to learn everything I can and just picking up anything that seems interesting. It's almost amazing how much time I have managed to spend without producing much at all worth keeping, but I guess that's sort of the process. There's one thing though, that's really caught my interest - the human form, and the head especially. The face is fascinating in that it's so difficult and it won't let you get away with any mistakes, it can also communicate so much. That's also why I seem to want to return to this challenge... In the picture i'm posting you can see my third and latest attempt. This is still at a very unfinished stage, but to better understand what I have put into it I can show you about where I started not so long ago(it's a little embarassing so try not to laugh too hard ): http://i19.tinypic.com/7wjolmf.jpg ... Anyway... If you are doing any CG-art(any level at all, you know it's allright after my pictures ), please post it here. I'm hoping that there are many talented objectivist CG-artists lurking around here.

I know it's been a while but...um, i'd like to continue this thread for a little bit. Big thanks to everyone for your help. Looks like the same advice the doctor gave me. Sunlight might be an issue. I don't know how big of an issue, but I live in Sweden so it's very dark now in the winter, and I know for sure that it's affecting me - just not how much... The thing is that "by default" everything is fine. Sure, I got som things to deal with but I have my goals set and i'm moving forward. I'm on the right track, so to speak, and most of the time it makes me feel pretty good. Problem is, it's only "most of the time". A little now and then I tend to just... break down. Everything feels like a nightmare for a little while, until I manage to pull myself together. It could be over small, ridiculous things, or just things that I usually shrug off. And, it doesent exactly help that it's atleast somewhat noticeable by others, so I tend to feel like a friggin nutcase sometimes. One explanation could be that I have been under a lot of stress lately and I have taken a few pretty tough hits. Though a while now things have felt much better, it's still like this crap comes in cycles. The weirdest thing is that I feels just like this is not "me", there's no real reason for me to react in this kind of way, but it's like something out my control sometimes just beats me down... I don't know if such things could be attributed to lack of sunlight, but it seems like a possibility. --- Anyway, I write this also somewhat in regards to feeling like a nutcase at times. Although at the moment it's more like; "well, i'm fucked"... Well, to avoid getting into any detail... I was getting a bit stressed out at work today, and as usual what that happens I tend to take a quick "time-out" to get focused again. That means, pause and think. It should be noted that when I get stressed my mind can jump between totally unrelated things. Also, since I was alone and caught up in my own thinking I might have been mumbling stuff to myself, that might have been overheard... Well, I bet you can see where this is going. Another thing to be noted is that I like using profanity when reasoning with myself. Simply put, someone I really care for might think i'm crazy(and not in a good way ), and I guess the only thing I can do is shoot myself(figuratively speaking, of course). (Um, I should probably get my head togheter before posting, but anyway...)

I'm myself sort of in the middle of a similar "journey". When I was younger I always wanted to be good at painting and that sort of stuff but I never managed to to get my head around things and actually learn it. Later on I found computer graphics and 3D-modelling, but sort of gave up on that because I found it too diffucult. A while ago I picked up 3D-modelling again and was lucky enough to find very good tutorials that sort of helped med see things differently. The first stuff I made could only be considered pure, awful, crap - and that's insulting to a turd. Today I consider myself nearing a decent level of skill. I won't say good, but good enough to be absolutley confident that I can work with this professionally in the near future. All one has to do to be sucessfull is to start to look at it the right way, and then improve - step by step. For example you can see theese oil paintings and only focus on the incredible finished results, or... you can break it down - see how the artist has chosen his color palette, blocked in the rough shapes, added light, shadows, highlights and refined the details etc. until he ended up with the results we see here. Now I don't actually know anything about oil painting, but for those interested in any form of painting I can recommend checking out Gnomon Workshops DVD's. There are lot's of them and I can't give any specific tips, but there are for example DVD's on photorealistic digital painting as well as some analog stuff. It's really great because seeing it on video makes it so much more easy to grasp, and even if you are not interested in these particular forms of painting the knowledge should translate well into other forms.

Yes, absolutely. You do that by learning and understanding the process, and the principles involved, then you just practice and the develop your skill.

The thought of drawing and painting, or art in general, as innate talents comes only from ignorance and a failure to understand the subject. It's just bullshit.

Could you please elaborate a little bit more on that? I have just come to the conclusion that in my case there must be some medical issues involved. I have suspectet hormonal imbalances for a while and now come to the conclusion that I should see a doctor asap, however since you mentioned this I would very much like to know more.

Thanks! I'll check it out. I know from my brief experience in sales that question are an invaluable tool when communicating with people. Unfortunatley I havent gotten good enough with asking questions and I have never really succeded in applying it to more normal social interactions. I'm sure that book will have many insightfull tips. I'm glad to hear that. I think most beautiful women are just like anyone else, just prettier and more used to guys hiting on them.

Any tips on good books to read? Now that you mentioned it, I just set a new goal for myself. Every morning I take the train for about 30-40 minutes to get to work. Of course I always try to sit down next to the hottest girls I can find. So from now i'll try to greet them with a smile and a "good morning". I think it's a good start. Next step is to find something interesting in the morning paper to ask someone about. Like this morning I read a very interesting column and I considered initiating a conversation with the girl next to me. Something like; "you know, I just thought of something I need to ask you... do you think anything is possible[thats sort of what the column was about]?". Could be a good opener and the answer could say alot about the other person. I think i'll save that one for later...

Or you can always find the most goddamn beatiful girl you have ever seen, prefferably a classmate or co-worker, and just... um, try and ask her out on a date. Yes, i'm obviously more brave than clever. But, even though I was graciously turned down, it was damn well worth it.

I can very much relate to that, but I have started to pull myself out of it. Unfortunatley I find it very difficult to put this clearly in words, perhaps due to a small language barrier, but i'll try... In my first post the question is basically about how to achieve certain values that I think are missing in my life. When achieving them I will be less lonely and more happy. I believe you and I want the same thing here, however theres a big step i've had to take before arriving here, and I think you need to take that step too. When loneliness takes up such a central part of your being there's obviously something wrong - something missing - and it's not your failures with social interactions. What you need is a solid foundation for your self-esteem. I cannot claim to be an expert on how to create this foundation, but I believe I can atleast point in the right direction. Personally, I have just "simply" re-evaluated myself: First of all; find out what and who you are - what is your purpose in life? That's a pretty tough question, but your answer will act as a compass in life so it's vastly important. When you have a clear picture of who you are you can start focusing on things in your character that you like. What do you like that's good about yourself? Do not focus on achievements. The things in your character that are good must be good despite your successes or failures. Self confidence is more tied to what you have acomplished in life, and what you believe you can acomplish. This can be based on, but is not the same thing as, more fundamental traits. If you sort these things out properly you should start to rise from your depressed mood. Once you start to feel more positive you can perhaps try and take small steps with your social relations. Soon, hopefully, you will start to ride on a positive wave and that's when the doors to change really open. Of course this might be much harder than it sounds, and if I knew exactly how to go about these things I would not have started this thread, but if you truly start working with yourself - from the core - I promise you will soon be on the right track.

I think that's a very good idea, but I really don't have a clue how to do it.