Hi, I am new here and desperately seek some objective advice. Not sure if this is the best place to post this but here goes...
I am getting married at the end of the year and whilst happy about it, have been faced with a big dilemma. I am living with parents and brothers at the moment and the dilemma is that me and my fiance want to move out, but moving out in our circumstance has a few implications.
Firstly, my parents gambled a lot. So much that they basically lost most of the equity in their house and to make matters worse, could not find a job, a situation which is hard to change given that they are now close to pension age. Not to mention a whole heap of credit card debts. So they're facing the real likelihood of retiring without financial support to live by.
Of course, they only have themselves to blame. Yet, as their daughter, I feel a duty to help them. Last year, when matters got really tough, I bought a house so that we could live together. It made sense at the time - they would have some support to get them through their old age, and for me, it was a relief to be able to get myself into a situation where I would only have to worry about my own financial affairs and not other people's. Every time they had a gambling problem in the past, they came to me for financial aid. Each time, I helped them, on the demand that they change their ways. Looking back, I should have said No, but it is hard to do so when its your own parents. I regret that because it made them think that they had someone to bail them out if they needed help. I see now that what I did was not good for them but that is too late to change now.
Anyway, back to the house. I bought the house thinking that I would live with them so that we all didn't have to worry about financial affairs anymore. A lot more stress-free for all of us (of course, that was not the ideal situation but at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do because I was so sick and tired of them complaining about their mortgage and expecting me to pay for it etc etc...) But then, a month after we moved in, my fiance proposed. I always knew we were going to get married and that he would move in with my parents and I. If you think that is strange, then maybe I should say here that we are Asian. In Asian cultures, traditionally, parents have expected that their children would continue to live with them after marriage. They raise us up to adults and we are expected to look after them in their old age.
What I didn't expect was that my feelings would so dramatically change once we moved in. Whilst I was not happy to buy a house to live with them, with the expectation that my fiance and I would live with them after marriage, I at least had resigned myself to what I thought was an unmovable situation. However, once I got engaged, I really started to think seriously about having a house of my mine to start a new life with my fiance. But if I am to move out, there is no way that my parents would be able to cope with the mortgage. Secondly, even if we sell the house, my parents cannot even afford to rent, given their pension status and the amount of debt they still have. I have thought of all possible scenarios and there seems to be a dead end all ways. Without someone to support them, my parents would struggle to live.
My brothers are also at home, but one cannot find a job (yet) and the other is always broke for some reason or another. Neither help out with the finances. I have raised my desire to move out with my parents and they were initially quite appalled, and placed a lot of guilt on me, whehter or not they intended to. I have now got them to a point where they have accepted that I wish to move out, but the reality is also tough. My options are to either buy a smaller place and pay for both mortgages, with some assistance from my parents and brothers when they are able to (but which puts a lot of pressure on me) or to sell up and leave them to tough it out on their own, possibly helping out with finances where I can. Either way is quite a struggle financially. The other option is to live with them, that way everyone is better off financially, but emotionally I don't think I can cope. I need my privacy, and secondly, my parents sometimes argue and still gamble. It makes me angry and frustrated and sad to face their way of life.
Feelings of resentment towards my parents crept in, to the point where I am now cold towards them for putting me in this situation. I need some advice, firstly, on the practical side of what I should do. And almost more importantly, how do I change my feelings to make myself happier and more accepting of what I need to do? Emotionally, I can't see an easy way out. If I live with them, I am burdened by feelings of resentment and I am worried about damaging this could be on our relationship. Yet if I move out, I am burdened by feelings of guilt and I feel ashamed to be putting my parents in financial strife when I can be helping them. I know what I am feeling is completely contradictory but I don't know what to do. If I choose one path over another, how do I stop myself from having those feelings and to accept the situation?