megr.ferg

I think Montessori schools are an excellent alternative. Most Montessori schools start around 3-years-old (some as young as infancy) even at this young age the child is completely self directed within the class room. There are specially designed materials all around the room that the child can work with at his leisure. The teacher shows how the material is used and the rest is up to the child. The materials are self correcting, if the child uses them incorrectly it will be obvious to him and he will be able to correct his own mistakes without a teacher stepping in. For example the cylindrical blocks material is a set of cylindrical pegs of varying sizes that fit in to corresponding holes. The child can tell right away if he has placed a block in the wrong hole because it will either stick out or wiggle loosely. Here’s a link to a video of a child using this material and self correcting. As children get older and learn to write they keep journals of the work they do in class and meet weekly to discuss their progress with the teacher. There is no copyright on the Montessori name so any school may use it but the original schools did not assign grades. This is not to say that they do no have standards. The child is expected to be at work and is corrected when he plays with the materials or is idle. For a better overview of the approach I recommend “Montessori Today: A Comprehensive Approach to Education from Birth to Adulthood” by Paula Polk Lillard

Unfortunately, I am in the exact same spot. This seems to get at the heart of the issue. Wanting and needing to be pushed by others are two very different things. Wanting to see the potential of other men, being inspired by their work, and using that inspiration to fuel your own work is very normal healthy human behavior. On the other hand, needing to be pushed by others shows a lack of passion for your work. If you need an external source of motivation you must not deem your work valuable enough to justify the effort. You are looking for others to give it value. I think all mentally healthy people can be self-motivated, but it is a skill like any other that needs to be learned, and the earlier you are able to learn it, of course, the easier it is. This is where most education systems fail miserably. Instead of tapping into a child’s natural tendency to explore and work, as a Montessori school does, they inhibit self-motivation by providing external motivation from the very start. By the time a student leaves grade school he has completed thousands of mandatory assignments and received a grad for every one. And it doesn't stop there. In my schooling I read books for pizza, studied for spelling tests for candy, and worked to be in the high math group for social status. If a child makes it though school with their self-motivation intact it is in spite of the education they received not because of it. The current school system does nothing to foster self-motivation or self-evaluation.

I partly agree with the article. The inherent altruism stuff is complete bull, but I do think that he is right about the “carrot and stick strategies.” Grades are essentially a token economy. If you do assignment or test X to this set of standards, then you will get grade Y. Assigning a grade or reward to the act of learning diminishes the natural enjoyment students get from it. Children are naturally curios and love to learn when give the right environment. There is no need to reward them for their efforts. The progress that they see themselves making is reward enough. A teachers’ only role should be to foster this growth. Giving rewards for learning masks the natural reward, which is devastating to the child. If he does not learn to pursue growth and learning for his own enjoyment he will become a mere shadow of his potential. If he dose not learn to evaluate himself by his own standards and by tracking his own progress, he will become a prisoner to other people’s opinions. This being said, once a child achieves a cretin level of learning whether it be in sports, academics, or the arts, I think it is natural to want to put these skills to the test in competition. I see nothing wrong with rewarding the winner of a soccer game, spelling bee, or art show.

As far as feeling how passive or assertive your dance partner is, I was looking at this primarily though the eyes of a follow. When I’m dancing, I’m waiting for the lead to initiate the movement. Each lead will do this with a different amount of speed, pressure, motion etc. In my own dancing I have run across some leads who are tentative, and just don’t seem to have the confidence to direct me (luckily most of them improve quickly or stop dancing). On the other end of the spectrum there are leads who are extremely direct, for them every beat of the dance is controlled. Most leads fall somewhere in-between. By feeling a man’s lead I can get an idea of how assertive he is. Of course it is important to take in to account his personal style and dancing experience. I think you are right when it come to the follow. It is her responsibility to wait for direction from the lead so there is little opportunity for her to be assertive during the dance, but I think she still has ample opportunity to display confidence. For example when the lead releases her temporarily for a free spin or other individual movement some follows will rush back to the lead in a panic to have guidance again. On the other hand a confident follow will continue the move with the same speed and direction she received form the lead and will only stop when the lead comes back to her. As the level of dancing progresses the individual moves can become quite elaborate. It seems to me that the more confident follows take more advantage of these unexpected breaks in connection. They are not thrown off because they have the guts to handle being left alone without much warning.

When it comes to club dancing I agree, but don’t discount all social dancing. I have found more organized dance venues very enjoyable. There are places all over that offer social dances and lessons for more traditional ball room dances like tango, waltz, and fox trot or more street dances like swing or blues. Though such organizations dancing has become a big part of my life. For me Dancing is a great outlet for personal expression. The arts have never been my thing, but when I found dancing I realized what I had been missing. It gave me a way channel feelings an emotions I had floating around into something creative and fun. This of course did not happen on the first day. Before I could improvise and add in my own flare I had to learn the steps and the basic rules of leading and following. Once I got the basics I could really start listening to the music and letting my body respond to what I heard. I found that having this place in my life to release some of my feelings brought a much needed balance. My mind was more clear at work and I had more mental energy. I imagine that people who passionately peruse any form of the arts have the potential to experience these kind of gains. What I think makes dancing unique is that it adds a social aspect. You can learn a surprising amount about some one after a few songs when dancing as a couple. Unlike most social situations you are actual touching them. You can feel how assertive or passive their movements are, if their hands sweat, and how responsive they are. In addition you get to see them in action. You get to see how they handle themselves when you miss a beat or someone bumps a toe. For me it turns into a tiny social experiment. From the more intimate view the dance connection (or lack there of) I get a sneak peak at who someone is, and they get a peak of who I am. I also agree that the music has to be good. There are some nights when the DJ just stinks and I can’t get into it.

Sorry, not making fun of you, just the online translator.

Obama effectively nationalizes one of the largest manufacturers left in the US. Not fine by me.

Very nice.

In the first example I do give an “uninterested or wishy-washy” response. I referred to it as a bit of a wall. Unfortunately a large portion of men I have run into have read a few too many pick up books, have less than honorable intentions, or both. As a result I do have a tendency to put up a wall at first. Of course I am aware that I do this, so as I get to know him I can adjust the level of the wall. If he seems to be fake or simply interested in the physical aspects of a relationship the wall get higher and reinforced. If he is sincere and confident it can come down. The flexibility of the wall is key. A permanent or fixed level wall is dangerous. I think men who have a good understanding of women know that women have been shamelessly hit on and smothered with the fake stuff so they are prepared for the initial wall. They also know that if the wall doesn’t start to come down it’s time to move on. In the second example He does have to push me and I agree with you that having to push or coax someone constantly would be a huge turn off. Fortunately for me this is not the case, I am able to motivate myself, but that is not to say I couldn’t use a bit of a push from time to time. For me this is one of the best things about an intimate relationship. Both of the members are able to encourage and push each other to do more than they would have on their own. He may need some encouragement to finish a project this week and next month I may need a push to start a new one of my own. In my experience the pushing done by the male is more forceful and direct, this is what I respond best to. My pushing takes on more of an encouraging supportive flavor that seems to work well. The person I want to be is someone who is always growing and striving for more. For me there are always new and higher goals to strive for, and any man I peruse should feel the same. We may push and coax each other to meet our goals, but then there will be new ones and we will get to start all over again. If anything as we accomplish more and more our goals will get more and more difficult to reach. He will be able to be more masculine and I will be able to be more supportive and encouraging.

Sure some people may have trouble appropriately pairing their degree of confidence to their accomplishments, but I don’t think this discredits this approach. In order for it to work you need to be able to assess reality and do some introspection. How much confidence should I derive from X? Well, how difficult is it to accomplish X? how many other people have done X? How long did X take? How much personal effort did I invest in X? For me this process is highly automated. When I do something I am constantly aware of how difficult it is because I feel how much energy, brain power, strength, ect. it takes to do it. When it feels difficult and I am still able to accomplish it, I start feeling the confidence grow. I have done all sorts of things ranging from very easy to extremely hard. I know how confident to be about each of my accomplishments by comparing them to my past ones. People who are too confident about too little and people who are not confident enough about a whole lot are not being honest with themselves about the magnitude of their accomplishments. I agree that emotional adaptations are not always instantaneous. I have experienced this in my own life. When my values have changed or I have made steps toward improvement, sometimes I still have some residual inappropriate feelings. These seem to be the slowest to catch up. To deal with this delay I have mostly tried to be aware of this and redirect my thoughts when it comes up. I can see how a “fake it till you make it” approach could work here, but I think it is very important to focus on the making it, and not get stuck faking it.

Yes, dancing is a very romantic activity. I don’t equate it with the traditional romantic gestures discussed in the OP. Like you said dancing is a great way for a man to display his confidence, and this is why I like it so much. The lead needs to be clear and confident with his movements or he will be unable to dance smoothly with his partner. Also, as you mentioned there are so many subtle things you can pick up about your dance partner on the floor. When you are connected with someone on the dance floor it’s like getting a little peek at who they are on the inside. That being said I think learning how to dance for someone is the wrong approach. She should like you because you dance. You shouldn’t dance so she will like you. Your value should be clear and enough for her. If you want to learn to dance that’s fine, but the motivation should be your own interest not to make yourself more desirable to her.

I find traditional romantic offerings to be a turn off. I don’t think they are necessarily inappropriate. I agree that in the proper context they can be an effective way for a man to express himself. I simply find that I prefer a more direct display of masculinity. I have found flowers, romantic dinners, and other such things are perceived values. I watch a movie and think “aw wouldn’t that be nice,” but when men have given me gifts and treated me to pricey dinners I feel oddly disappointed. These are not the things I truly value. I value a man who demonstrates his feelings for me in his strong, confident interest. For example, lets say I’ve just met a guy and we’re taking a break after hitting the dance floor. He asks “Hey what’s your favorite song to dance to?” I may put up a bit of a wall and casually say “ haha I don’t know, I guess there’s just too many to pick from.” He may agree and just try to keep the conversation going or he may hold me to it and respond jokingly, “Are you one of those girls who has difficulty making decisions?” The former response is neutral and boring, nothing that would spark my interest. On the other hand I am a bit taken back and offended by the latter response. I’m thinking “This guy hardly knows me how could say that?” He’s got my attention now. By calling me out on my lame answer in a good natured way he has shown confidence and interest. He wants to know if I can make a simple choice or not. This is what I find masculine and attractive. Of coarse, it needs to be genuine and not cocky or forced, as people have touched upon earlier in the thread. This part can be tricky, but after some practice it has become quit easy for me to distinguish the cocky form the confident. I prefer this direct display of masculinity as the relationship progresses as well. For example if we are planning a Sunday afternoon date I may suggest snuggling up together and reading a good book then going out to a nice dinner. He shrugs and says “ On a day like this? That sounds lame. Lets go on a hike. You’ve been saying you need more exercise anyway.” Ooooh this one gets me. Is he trying to say I’m fat? Just as I am about to spit my rebuttal he smiles and says “Get dressed. Lets go!” I put up a little more of a fight, but he is determined. On the hike he points to a high peak and says, “We’re going to the top.” I’m questioning how I’ll ever be able to get up there, but his determination intrigues me. He loves to hike and climb and the energy he projects as we get climb higher is contagious and keeps me going. He pushes my limits and brings out my strength with playful dares. At the top we spend a long time talking, laughing and admiring what we accomplished together. This beets the pants off an affectionate afternoon and dinner. It shows he has the confidence to take control of the situation and wants to know how I would react to it. These displays spark my attention and keep my interest unlike anything else. For me, the directness makes them the most effective. He is not using a gift as a symbol of his feelings, nor is he carrying out a convoluted scheme to trap my heart. It’s not that I find any other approach un-masculine. I simply prefer this one. I never wonder if he’s pacifying me with things to avoid an emotional investment or if he is truly interested in me. He is displaying himself as the strong confident man he is and I find this endlessly attractive. This raw masculinity is what I picture when I think of romance. As I have mentioned several times through out the post, being genuine confidence is key. I don’t think that you’ll get very far in a relationship with out it. So if you don’t have it, get it. Do some thing that makes you feel confident like learning a new skill or perfecting an old one. Surround yourself with other confident people who help build you up. I think the best way to meet a significant other is to work on making yourself the best person you can be; confident, rational, talented, ect. If you keep pursuing this and meeting people you’ve got a good shot. I have a friend who started dancing about a year ago. After tons of lessons and practice he has become a phenomenal dancer. When he dances he just oozes confidence and feeling. He is not cocky about it, but he is proud and not afraid to use his talent. This has a tremendous effect on the ladies and is fun to watch.

3. Fiscal irresponsibility -- private: auto execs should not fly private jets to DC -- govt: pelosi and other politicians can take them all the time. Because the government IS fiscally responsible, right?