Juditha

I've found your responses and I appreciate your thoughts and advice. Why did I write? I googled "loneliness" and this was one of the forums that came up so i went here. I remember that day I was feeling very lost and unbearably lonely and I probably wrote because I needed to - to strangers where I might find one that would understand everything. That's impossible, but I grasped onto the only thing on hand to connect me with the world. I initially was on disability for a very painful back injury which has healed miraculously and no more pain. I'm very grateful for that. But I'm on disability for clinical depression/panic attacks and anxiety. But i do what I can as far as work is concerned. As I was reading some of your responses, it's clear to me that alot of people don't really fully understand clinical depression vs. sadness/grief/loneliness. It can paralyze and unless you have felt it or walked in that person's shoes for awhile, you would not react to it with tough love. It's an invisible disease. I know exactly what I need to do, but sometimes, it feels impossible. And yes, I've taken a variety of antidepressant pills, but I don't believe in pills. And I do believe that laughing with one friend can help anyone who is depressed or lonely. I'm trying. Juditha

Zip, One of my favorite lines or philosophy comes from the movie The Shawshank Redemption where he says either get busy living or get busy dying. I'm stuck but what you said is it in a nutshell. Juditha

*** Mod's note: Merged with a previous topic. - sN *** I never dreamed I'd be where I am at my age in the past and never a planner my bleak future has caught up with me. I'm not whining but here are some facts. I'm 58 years old. I've been on disability for 10 years although I've worked here and there. I once had a life filled with love, friends, and time for dreams. I prided myself on keeping in shape and loved exercising - all sports I loved learning. I was always a bit of a loner but not lonely and sought out friends when I felt I needed them. I was always a good friend. I've had intermittent phases of chronic depression being very sensitive and at times overreactive. Today I don't have a life. My therapist who tells me he sees hope for a future and has a positive attitude about me is wrong. This old person is still somewhere inside of me but I've succumbed more or less to my life as it is, otherwise, I fear I'd take it, and I don't want to do that. Most of my family is gone, and who I thought were friends going back 30 years, some of whom I thought were true, are gone. Depression and at time suicide ideation tends to do that however, I took great care not to burden these friends who at times were equally miserable. I was always there for them. I was always attractive and when you're younger there's always time to start all over again. It was very easy for me to meet men and possibly form relationships, however now due to not caring about myself as I should, I've become invisible and sometimes I don't care. Sometimes it's OK to be alone and reclusive. At other times, like today, I feel like I'm going out of my mind. The house is quiet as usual, noone to talk to all day, I can't conjure up the motivation to take a walk (I do try) and take small positive steps in my life, but today, I didn't see any use in really getting dressed. So yes, I'm very sad, lonely and depressed. Noone loves me and I don't love anyone, except for my beautiful cats who I would never abandon. They ground me and remind me that that is beauty in the world. Unconditional love is such a wonderful thing to have. I wish I didn't need people. I wonder why people can't reach out to me instead of vice versa. By the time I get to my therapist's office, I talk SO much because aside from conversations here and there with storeowners or a person I run into, I'm so hungry to communicate. If I did decide to take my life, noone would know it for days, maybe a week. I have nice neighbors, and am as nice to strangers as I possibly can be just to feel better about myself. I've written enough. Bottom line is that I know longer do the things I used to do when I was younger, yet I'm not really that old, and I look about 10 years younger. This is the first time in my life that I have stopped exercising, and eating things that are fattening (comfort foods) which has put the weight on me..maybe 25 pounds. And I realize that I still do care; not for someone else but for me. I avoid the mirrors but sometimes i accidentally catch a glimpse of the weight I've put on and I can't stand to look at it yet men still seem to want to meet me. I usually push them away. But I care because I have to live with myself, and if I keep on going, I won't be able to. Some of my loneliness is my fault, but some of it is the lack of observance of people who once were my friends. I've had to let several of them go because of their toxicity, not mine. I still have my pride and refuse to be emotionally abused which at times I feel I am. Today was a particularly bad day. It was sunny and beautiful outside yet I stayed in all day, sleeping, writing, crying, wondering when my breaking point will be. Thank you for listening.