John Q. Public

I appreciate the references to Dr. Kenner and Dr. Hurd. I'm checking out both of them. I like Dr. Kenner's site. I haven't yet visited Dr. Hurd's. I'm also grateful for the advice that has been offerred. This isn't something I take lightly.

I'm grateful for the concrete advice. I have done some analysis on paper. I wrote what I call a "story line," which was helpful. My wife and I even talked it over, and it improved communication by doing it. I should mention we are also seeing a marriage counselor. I like the approach she is using. Tonight, based on your suggestions, we played the "trait" game, where my wife and I took turns describing six traits of our own, and how the other person described them. It was helpful. I'd like to dig into the traits and kind of clarify the meaning and talk about them. I don't know if my wife will want to do too much of that and I don't think it's productive to push her on this topic. My own blind spot, I suppose, is perhaps wanting to dig too deeply into such things. Maybe that's an indication of a mis-match in terms of our likes / dislikes. I'll be looking over that list of traits and trying to keep in mind that I can't pick and choose only the desirable ones. I guess I'm still wondering, though. Is it possible to amplify one's passion for another person? Thinking out loud, if a person changes in ways that one sees as desirable, then one's passion for that person is increased. If we could break the negative feedback loop I think we are caught in, could it really be replaced with a positive feedback loop? Would this really revive my passion for my wife, or am I just fooling myself?

Hello, I have been contemplating whether to remain in my marriage or get divorced. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. We have three children, the youngest of which is 17. For the last five years or so, I have noticed that my wife and I have developed a competitive relationship, we are generally independent and don't do a lot together, don't seem to have a common objective, and we each have our little "scripts" wired into our heads that can trigger arguments between us. I think we are also captured in a state of viewing each other a bit negatively. By that, I mean I think we have internalized the idea that the other person is in some sense an enemy, and so everything that person does is viewed with some measure of distrust, scorn or contempt. We aren't really passionate for each other anymore. Sex is mostly routine. We only have sex once a month or so. I think that with work, our marriage could be rejuvenated, but I'm not sure. I suspect it's a matter of my wife and I really making our marriage a priority, spending much more time together, and doing little things for each other to express love, rather than talking about what we're not getting from the marriage. One of my dilemmas, though, is whether I even want to rejuvenate the marriage or whether I'd be happier with someone else. I think I would be happier, over the long run, with a partner that with which I had more in common, in terms of interests. A second dilemma regards concern for my wife's welfare if we were to divorce. I believe that people have to take responsibility for their own happiness, but at the same time, I struggle with the idea of leaving her after all these years. I don't know if I'm not giving her enough credit, if I have a debt to her that I haven't recognized, or if I'm just wrongly taking responsibility for her welfare where I really should not be. I have been wrestling with this for several months and would be grateful for any advice people wish to offer.