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Posts posted by iflyboats

  1. 22 hours ago, Nicky said:

    I didn't suggest you move on from anything. My advice, that you should improve your communication, interaction, dating and relationship skills through practice with whoever is willing to go out with you, has nothing to do with moving on. You should do that for the sake of becoming a better person, not for any other purpose.

    That's irrelevant. Rational people don't just do what they feel interested in (that is whim worship, entirely antithetical to Reason), they try to act on what they rationally determine is in their best interest.

    Do you agree that improving yourself in this area of life is in your best interest? If so, will you try and do it?

    The idea is utterly daunting and I don’t know how or what to do but I definitely agree with doing what’s in my best interest.

  2. 13 hours ago, Eiuol said:

    The fact is, you can't really know this. This is why some sort of transparency or directness would have been wise. The only way you can know is to ask her, particularly because you gave every indication that you were not interested in her. 

    I didn’t give every indication that I wasn’t interested in her. I gave mixed signals that I believe she rightfully took as representing timidity rather than disinterest. At this time it could not be much more clear that her level of attraction to me has fallen to an unsalvageably low level. It’s sad how bad I had to be to f*ck this up, because it started with her all but throwing her vagina at me a few months ago.

  3. On 9/4/2018 at 3:22 PM, Nicky said:

    What about the advice? Have you understood any of it (meaning, have you understood why it was given)? Have you tried any of it? Has any of it helped you in any way, so far?

    Just so you know: the most important, in fact I would say crucial, advice you received in this thread (you got it from multiple people, not just me) was to try and date others (without necessarily giving up on this girl)...because you don't seem very good at romantic relationships, and the only way to get good at something is through practice.

    Have you made any progress on that front? Have you tried? Do you intend to try?

    I haven’t done anything other than what I recounted in my previous post. Based on the pattern of events, I strongly believe she silently rejected me two months ago and is no longer interested. As for dating other people, I’ve been so focused on her for the last seven months that I have no interest in other women for now. My normal prospects pale in comparison. This is going to be very hard to move on from. 

  4. I screwed up and may have destroyed whatever relationship I still had with her. 

    After two weeks without contact, last week I did several things that I’m concerned may have betrayed my feelings for her.

    One particularly painful morning, I knee-jerked into unfriending her on Facebook; a few hours later, I regretted severing my last connection to her, and sent her a friend request with an apology. I didn't explain that that the reason I unfriended her was that I don't want to accept a platonic friendship. When she asked whether I wanted to be her friend or not, all I could come up with was "I just want to stay connected on Facebook" and apologized again. She accepted.

    The following day she called me to let me know that a mutual friend had been severely injured and was in the ICU, and wanted me to drive in with her and two other people to visit her. I didn't want to, but decided to suck this one up for our friend and go in with them. It was a huge mistake, beyond painful. I was very distant the whole time and barely said anything.    

    The day after that, she called and told me that she could get me a job at her new workplace. For context, our workplace closed down at the end of July, and most people including me got laid off, but she was transferred to another site at the same company. Six weeks prior, while we were still seeing each other, I had asked her to try to pull strings to get me a job at the new site, and she came through. I thanked her for doing this, but said I’d already lined up a new job and that “I’d rather smash my nuts with a hammer for 40 hours a week than work there again.” She took great offense and rescinded the offer even after I apologized. In my mind, I thought I was just being a smartass, but subconsciously there may have been some resentment over her rejection of me (yes I believe she rejected and "friendzoned" me) behind that remark. I texted her a deeper apology later and she never replied. I suspect that will be my last communication with her.

    Did my emotionally driven actions tell her that I still have strong feelings for her? Is there anywhere to go from here? I don't want to be friends, and she doesn't want to be romantically involved, so contacting her again seems inappropriate. 

  5. On 8/11/2018 at 3:09 PM, Eiuol said:

    The context is different because the person in that podcast has a crush on a girl who had no romantic interest. In your context, it's a girl who did show interest, but you chose to do nothing. The advice there kind of presumes that you acted on your feelings and were honest about them, enough so to figure out what the other person thinks. 

    Are you looking to talk about something specific? Or are you looking for advice? 

    In my case the girl did show interest at one point, but I think she’s since lost it and that I am now in the podcast person’s position. I don’t know how to approach  finding out. My strategy was going to be to stay away from her for at least a few weeks before contacting her again (we’re now at one week with no contact). I also need to get my life together and get a job after being laid off. But once I’m able to do that, how would I approach her?

    “What happened before?”

    ”Are you still interested?”

    “Are you with anyone presently?”


  6. Would it be immoral to drive past her house to see if her car is there or if anyone elese’s is? She lives on s public road, so the act wouldn’t be illegal assuming I didn’t do it in a way that was harrassing, and it could provide valid clues about her relationship status; however, if she knew, she’d undoubtedly be creeped out, so I think it would be immoral. 

  7. 5 hours ago, Nicky said:

    Sorry, but this whole thing stopped making sense to me. On the one hand, you are describing a situation where a friend of yours, who you have a crush on, and who's shown interest in you herself, is either having a quick fling with someone else, or is in the early stages of a relationship with someone else. Either way, not a relationship that's guaranteed, or even likely, to last.

    On the other hand, you're talking about a girl who is "unattainable", "out of your league", and regret and missed opportunity, all suggesting that there's no chance you could ever date her.

    Those two stories can't both be true. It's one or the other. Which is it?

    In my judgment, I’ve always felt like she should be out of my league. She’s smarter, wittier, much more experienced, a better conversationalist, and is stronger at work (we used to work together). I never understood why she liked me, but she actually did initiate everything and had to work on me for weeks to get me to go out with her. I was always way too timid around her, which I think is half the reason she lost interest. There was a clear offer of sex on the table a month ago, I didn’t have the balls to do anything, a week later she went cold on me, and since then I’ve acted like I’m okay with just being platonic friends. For the past few weeks she’s relegated me to being a member of her crew of former co-workers, whom she always hangs out with as a group which she leads. I can’t stand it. I have no interest in any of them except her. I still have no confirmation of anything but in the last week there’s been a change in her pattern consistent with her being with someone else after work on nights she doesn’t have her daughter. I believe she probably is, and yes it is very painful.

  8. 17 hours ago, Nicky said:

    I think you have a problem, but it's not what you think. Your problem isn't inexperience or shyness. Women don't mind that. What they mind is jealousy and insecurity. You are NOT in a relationship with anyone. You shouldn't act like you are, and while we're at it, you should also try not to feel like you are. Your jealousy is out of place. You're not in pain because of any kind of lost love (she's clearly not lost to you), you're in pain because of misplaced jealousy.

    Here are some things you shouldn't do:

    1. Do not tell her about your jealousy or any kind of pain she is causing you. It's not her problem, not her responsibility to "not hurt you", etc. Don't even entertain the thought that it's her fault in any way, no matter how many texts she sends, and what's in them. It's her right to share her life with her friends, and it is not your right to blame her for it. It's also her right to test you, if that's what she was doing (though I doubt it), and see if you can handle the idea that she doesn't belong to you. If you ask her out, be casual about it, don't pressure her or become emotional.

    2. Do not act on this pain in any way. Don't try to distract yourself with alcohol or any other high, substance induced or emotional, either. That's a way to validate it, too. You're in pain, just accept the fact and do nothing else, because it shouldn't be your goal to live a pailess life.

    3. Do not for a second think that jealousy is an unavoidable part of love. It's not. It's a symptom of a sick culture that misrepresents love, not a natural consequence of human nature.

    If you never give an unwanted emotion any validation, and take full personal responsibility for having it (never blame anyone else for causing it), that is the way to fight it, and make it subside and eventually go away.

    And, in general, don't act like you're in a monogamous relationship, in any way. She clearly hasn't rejected you romantically (the way you, kinda annoyingly I must say, claimed in the OP), and there's no reason to give up on her, but you're not in any kind of relationship with her. So do what she does: keep your options open, go on dates with whoever will go out with you, be open about it with your friends, accept their support if offered, etc.

    Prove to yourself, and to everyone else, that you are able to keep your emotions grounded in reality: she's not the center of your existence in reality, therefor she shouldn't be the center of your emotional life, either. That groundedness will take you further with attractive, confident women (who have to deal with obsessive, possessive "admirers" on a regular basis) than anything else you can do.

    I agree about not blaming her, but can you elaborate on how this jealousy is misplaced? It could have been me that she spent the weekend with but instead it was likely someone else over me because of some errors I made last month that caused her to lose interest. It was cool that this attractive, intelligent woman had been abstinent for over a year and at one point I was the one she wanted to end that with, but instead it ended up being someone else. Regret and missed opportunity. I've had a crush on her for months but let the opportunity slip. I am not saying any of it is her fault, but how are these feelings misplaced?

  9. Last night my “friend” texted in our group text that she was considering a sexual encounter with someone else after some drinks. I don’t know whether she went through with it. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this, it’s the absolute worst feeling ever! A month ago we were going on dates and she was seriously talking about making me her conquest and ending her 14-month celibacy streak with me, then went cold on me the following week and has been treating me like a friend since. I've always been timid around her and stopped following up when she started showing that she was losing interest. Should I circle around one last time and ask her if she’s still interested? In case you can't tell, I have absolutely zero experience with women and she is the first person I've dated. 

  10. 7 hours ago, Eiuol said:

    That's a very broad and vague way to think about it. There is a lot more to intelligence in general than raw thinking power. Imagine you were a pretty good chef at a restaurant, but not particularly great at academics or school. Then imagine she were some PhD student in physics. Is her mind overall better than yours? Not really. To be a good chef, it requires different types of thinking and skills and practice. There is nothing that would make you inferior as a person. You would just be a different person than her. The quality of your mind is more about being a virtuous person.

    If she doesn't want to be with you romantically, it doesn't mean you're out of her league. You could be, if she cared about things like that, but you wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thought that. On the other hand, maybe she does value someone in academics like her, someone who can talk about those complex and abstract subjects important to her. You probably admire this about her. But the truth is, physics isn't that important to you. You don't like to read books about it. You prefer to think about other subjects. While the fantasy of being with her romantically makes you very happy, your values don't really match up. You might want to blame being not smart enough, or there's something inferior about you, but there's no reason to do that. If your values don't match enough, it won't matter.

    There's more to any relationship, friendship or otherwise, than what you imagine could happen. What you imagine isn't how things are. If you find out the future you hope for isn't going to happen, that doesn't destroy the value you have now. If you get value out of her company, don't abandon that. She does something good for your life. Why be vindictive and cut her out just because she didn't give you what you wanted? 

    If she isn't interested, the easiest thing to do is focus on the value she provides today. Nicky offers great advice - just take the short-term pain. You'll be rewarded in the long run, with emotional maturity for getting through it and possibly  lifetime friendship.

    I realize that intelligence is multifaceted, and that different individuals are good st different things, but some people clearly have talents far superior to those of others. Suppose the woman you want works on the same field and and rises faster and goes farther despite making less effort, and that she’s also wittier and a better conversationalist. She makes more, has more fiends, and attracts more interest from the opposite sex. Assuming you understand that these differences are genetic, would you be wrong to conclude that this woman is “out of your league?” Is it irrational to desire her in the first place?

  11. 42 minutes ago, Eiuol said:

    What do you mean unattainable? I mean, it's not like relationships are about acquiring people, like acquiring cars or houses. You don't need to worry about getting her. A better question is to ask whether she is a good fit for you anyway. But just because she might be a bad fit romantically doesn't mean she's a bad fit as a friend. I think this is part of what Nicky is saying. 

    I asked what you mean by unattainable because some people think in terms of people being out of their league. This might mean you don't think you're the best person you can be, or there are a lot of flaws in yourself that you see that you think should be improved upon. That would make sense. If that's all it was, all you need to do is improve yourself.

    But maybe you mean that you think you're too low on the social pecking order. This isn't so great because you'd be devaluing yourself about something that has nothing to do with whether you're a good match. If that mattered to her, then you need to reevaluate whether she's someone you want to even pursue in the first place.

    You don’t have infinite capacity for self-improvement. A woman could be out of your league for genetic reasons. But regardless, suppose the one you want is just not interested—should you try to stay friends?

  12. I'm 30, my stepdaughter from my ex-marriage is 12, and I've been in her life for 11 years. She doesn't know her real father and considers me her dad. I divorced her mother a year ago, but I've stayed close to my stepdaughter, Skyping with her most days and seeing her usually at least a couple times a week. The divorce devastated her and I feel like sh*t about it, so I stayed on as her dad for HER sake to help get her through it. But for my own sake, I think I would benefit from breaking ties with my former family at this point. I don't want to deal with my ex at all, both her and I will date other people, and my stepdaughter will soon hit adolescence and put me through everything that that implies. It was fun when she was little, but I'm uncomfortable about the idea of being a parent to a teenage girl. Would it be evil of me to abandon her when I'm the only father figure she's ever known?

  13. I've had two sessions with a therapist who offers cognitive behavioral therapy, specifically rational-emotive behavioral therapy, and he seemed somewhat reasonable, but he recommended a book to me titled "Overcoing Destructives Beliefs, Feelings and Behaviors" by Albert Ellis which contains the following passages:


    Although I was formerly in the logical positive camp, I now consider myself largely a postmodernings and constructionist. Some of my main beliefs about humans and the word in which we live include the following:


    1. Perhaps some kind of indubitable objective reality or thing in itself exists, but we seem to apprehend or know it only though our falliable, personal-social, different and changing, human perceptions. We do not have any absolute certainty about what reality is or what it will be - despite our often being strongly convinced that we do.


    2. Our views of what is good or bad, what is right or wrong, what is moral or immora are, as George Kelly (1955) pointed out, largely personal-social constructions. Kelly held that the identification of universiveral truth is an impossible task and that all thical belifs have a constructionist nature.


    4. People are importantly influenced or conditioned by their cultural rearing. Their behaviors are amazingly multicultural and there is no conclusiove evidence that their diverse cultures are right or wrong, better or worse than others.


    There are several other statements, but those ones jump out at me as being particularly irrational.


    do you think I've gotten mixed up with a crackpot? Even if these aren't particularly important components of his belief system, I have reservations about someone who would give them any credibility.

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