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Lately I've been thinking about some things I can improve on and what will help me develop more as a person. I think I've got a decent picture, looking back, on some stages I have gone through... I'll try to go through them.

As a small child, I was pretty shy for the most part. I always had one or two close friends and had difficulty talking with other people much, except for those whom I knew closely. As I grew into the early stages of adolescence, around 12, my parents divorced and my mother took us with her back to the US while my father stayed in Germany (military). At first it was a fairly normal, but after both parents remarried, their new spouses were very strict and often unfair, overly authoritarian. In some ways my siblings and I felt alienated from the family. I think this was a pretty severe blow to my ability to relate to people and drove me to be more insecure. This, coupled with normal teenage problems like skin problems and the ridiculous high-school drama pretty much shattered any remaining confidence I had in interacting with people. I remember that I would constantly be thinking about what other people might be thinking of me. That, by the way, really kills a conversation. It's hard to talk to someone when you're wondering about how they will critique the next thing you say.

Anyway, I got to college and things started looking better. I had been looking forward to it, and everyone was very eager to make friends while no one knew each other. I also made a pretty solid effort to talk to people. After a while though, that kind of died down and I kind of fell into a certain circle of friends. Between then and now, I've become completely comfortable with who I am and I am a very confident person (I don't think it's a coincidence that I discovered Objectivism during the summer after my freshman year <am I spelling that wrong or does the spell checker really flag Objectivism as a wrong word?>).

I think I have followed something similar to the following trend:

First I was shy and didn't interact much with people.

Then I interacted with people due to social pressure and did okay... but only because my insecurities were a rigorous motivation to be socially correct.

Finally I overcame my insecurities and stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me.

I think at this point I am a fairly confident, well grounded person, but I must admit that I am not as eloquent as I'd like to be, and I think I sometimes come off as arrogant (or so I've been told). One acquaintance apparently thinks I am an ass about helping him with his classwork (I'm a few years ahead of him in my major) when really I've tried eagerly to help him and thought I was being very polite for going out of my way for him (a close friend told me this).

At this point in my life, I feel comfortable with myself. I feel ambitious and I think I am pursuing my career goals very well. What I could do better with is how I intertact with people, I think I am struggling with that. I know that sometimes I can be a bit dull to talk to and I think I keep to myself quite a bit, I don't express myself very well and often healthy relationships need better communication. I can have conversations with new people but I often find myself uninterested. Even with people that I look up to quite highly, like my research advisor, I can tell that I make it difficult for them to continue a conversation (let alone an interesting one), if it's unrelated to work we are doing. Especially when people are different from me, I have a hard time being myself and being moderately amiable.

How can I spur on these kinds of changes? I would like to be more comfortable and enjoy myself more around people in general, but I sometimes think I make the situation a bit awkward.

Thanks for taking the time to read/listen. Cheers.

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So, if I've understood you right, you would like to interact more with people, but you don't because you think you're boring/annoying?

Wow, you sound a lot like me, or rather a lot like me several years ago. Here's what I've found:

If you are friendly and outgoing, someone, somewhere will think you are an ass. These people are insecure dolts that consider anyone making a declarative statement to be threatening.

If you are reserved and polite, someone, somewhere will think you are an ass. These people are unwilling to assume the responsibilities of social formality and can't grasp the fact that people like to be introduced and gently steered to an appropriate conversation topic: they think social interaction is something that 'just happens'.

The fact that you like and admire someone doesn't mean that your personality and their personality are a good fit. Don't try to make the relationship more than it is, you'll just annoy everyone involved.

Basically my advice boils down to this: figure out how you like to act and how you like to meet people, then go do it. You will likely meet all sorts of people and you will develop relationships with the ones that have similar personalities to yours. Don't worry about trying to get along better with "people": it's too broad. Focus on getting along with people that are similar to you, i.e. be more consistent.

I like people with somewhat mercurial personalities, actually, because I am cheerful, cynical, harsh, easy-going, etc. by turns. I can get along with people that have one mode of operation (silly all the time), but only when I'm also silly.

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I agree with everything Jenni says above, both in personal feeling and advice.

The only advice I can give is: don't let your characteristics define you. That is, if you're shy, don't make it your pregrogative to be shy. If you feel like being a bit friendly, go for it, try it out. It might actually turn out good. Don't choose to be shy, just because that's how your normally feel likebeing.

I'm rather awkward around people and often get very strange looks and, well... anyone who's been in chat with me probably knows that already. :P But I get on alright, I just don't have a lot of friends. Or friendly relationships with people I work with (but that said, I don't have negative ones either).

I guess, what I'm saying here is, enjoy what you have and love it for what it is. I think that's the basis of the benevolent universe premise: don't get absorbed in the negative or what you think 'always' happens, "I'm always so bad at talking to people; I always lose my keys!". Focus on the good things that happen out of your own choices and your own ego, and you'll find them far more worthwhile than focusing on the things you think are bad.

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Thank you both for your words of encouragement and sound advice :)

So, if I've understood you right, you would like to interact more with people, but you don't because you think you're boring/annoying?

Almost. I think I can be boring/annoying but that doesn't really stop me from interacting with people. Really I want to learn to be a more comfortable and better conversationalist. I think I am subconsciously being too shortsighted to see the value other people have to offer, considering the trade off to be time and energy I could use to enjoy myself without the trouble of other people.

Don't get me wrong, I have a girlfriend and a few close friends and people that I enjoy and respect. I see plenty of room for improvement however, and that is what I'd like to venture into it.

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How can I spur on these kinds of changes? I would like to be more comfortable and enjoy myself more around people in general, but I sometimes think I make the situation a bit awkward.

Can you clarify the awkward part and why it is bad and by what standard?

Just "enjoying yourself around people" sounds weird without a proper context and standard, which you didn't indicate in your post. What is it?

Myself, I'm known in some circles (of second-handers) I happen to interact with sometimes as CBB. B) Cold Blooded Bastard. But then with my actual friends I have the time of my life. There is no reason for example for me to try to enjoy more the wrong kind of circles. Being comfortable there wouldn't improve things either.

But I suppose you meant something else, so I'll just wait for your implied but unstated (yet?) standard.

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To put it as plainly as I can, I think I am a bad (or mediocre at best) conversationalist and that that makes it more difficult for myself and other people to be comfortable. I'm not just talking about friends, but also people I admire who I don't know very well. In other words, people I am interested in talking to. Maybe it means I don't always know how to express my thoughts, or don't think about what is being said to me. Communication involves someone converting information into a transmittable medium, such as English, transmitting it, and it being received and decoded by another person. I would like to make this process more effective. I am not only referring to my immediate thoughts that I just have to work into nouns, verbs, etc, but also other ideas I have that are relevant, or how I feel about what is being discussed, that might not immediately come to mind. If this doesn't make sense, I will try to clarify it further.

Thanks

Edit: Deleted unnecessary quotation

Edited by tnunamak
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Well, the solution to lack of skill is usually to practice. If hunting people down to have conversations with them is tedious, try chatting online. A lot of websited focused around various hobbies have chatrooms (like this one, for instance). Given, chat is not the same thing as speaking in person, but you can learn how to express yourself more clearly and transfer the knowledge to other areas.

That's largely how I got over a lot of my shyness.

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My suggestion is to read Ayn Rand's The Art of Nonfiction: A Guide for Writers and Readers.

While it is for writers and readers it actually has positive effects on speech as well, if you apply the knowledge you learn from the book.

The basic idea is that writing/reading/speech is done mostly by subconsciousness, so what you want to do is to relax and let it do the work [while practicing still to let it improve as time goes by, of course]. Trying to speak mainly through consciousness could be your problem judging from your description.

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Ok, so, I went out this evening, to a bar for the first time. Can I just say, I now back up Jenni even further. Learning to properly socialise is only worth the benefits it might gain. It's incredibly difficult and annoying and... eurgh, I can't understand how people can just strike up conversations.

I'm straddled in here with you brother - screw being a socialiser. At least I'll still escape with my brain intact, as well as my ear drums.

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Ok, so, I went out this evening, to a bar for the first time. Can I just say, I now back up Jenni even further. Learning to properly socialise is only worth the benefits it might gain. It's incredibly difficult and annoying and... eurgh, I can't understand how people can just strike up conversations.

I'm straddled in here with you brother - screw being a socialiser. At least I'll still escape with my brain intact, as well as my ear drums.

Well I feel like I'm pretty social; however, I think that bars are tricky social situations. I typically do not make lasting friendships or engage in meaningful conversations when in bars. If I'm looking to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a bar, which I haven't done in quite awhile, I try to find someone else that looks the way I feel...probably doesn't really want to be there and looks a bit more intelligent than the rest of the crowd. :)

That being said, you could also try getting drunk which will allow you to speak with anyone about anything, but you would probably not escape with your brain intact. :)

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This wasn't so much the traditional kind of bar - I dunno if there is such a thing - but more a... young person's bar. It's where all the cool kids hang out, evidentially. Apart from the Emo kids, who are too cool for buildings, and hang out in some little gated off park a few minutes away. There was just a really crap band playing to top it off, and they were quoting Jay-Z over and over, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" sung semi-harmoniously. *shudder*

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I worked on improving my conversation and social skills as well as general wit. I took a public speaking credit course at uni and joined Toastmasters Int'l, which is a free or cheap public speaking organization. They will probably have one at your school. Search the website on Google and you can locate one near you. I also made it a point to go out to the bars with friends a couple nights per week and talk to new women. I ended up finding one I liked.

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I also made it a point to go out to the bars with friends a couple nights per week and talk to new women. I ended up finding one I liked.

Is this one of these, "and you know, 5 years later, we're married, and it's pretty alright", stories? :thumbsup:

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I've found that wit and public speaking are things that grow into your personality as you practice them. Just practice talking to people and improvising, perhaps messing with them if you feel up to them.

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  • 2 months later...

I used to suffer from social anxiety, which is sort of extreme shyness.

Although I had it all my life (I think I can link it to one traumatic event that took place when I was much younger), it nearly crippled me in middle school. I led a miserable existence and had no self-esteem whatsoever. I don't even think I had a self. My life consisted of me comparing myself to other people; I was always the loser.

Then came high school. 9th grade was the worst of it that I've ever experienced. I can remember sitting in the hallway once, pretending to read my history book. I wouldn't look up. I wouldn't move. My legs were asleep. For 30 minutes I sat there, and when I finally got up my body was numb, but my mind was in pain. I would get migraines from the stress as well. I couldn't function.

That was the bottom. From there on through, I got better. I started gaining self-esteem and began to take pride in my work. I'm a talented, friendly, and witty person.

10th grade I read the Fountainhead, which completely changed my life. While I had made a ton of progress on my own, this book was what I needed to eradicate the rest of my irrational thoughts and permanently stabilize my new found self-esteem. That year also featured me leading a school-wide Darfur awareness week, in which I addressed the entire school and invited a Holocaust survivor to speak.

Now, I'm a junior, and I am more confident than I have ever been. I love who I am, and I love my existence. I have a good group of friends as well.

Edited by Julian
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