Do you have hard feelings towards your parents

[JMeganSnow]

A hot breakfast cereal. Gruel. The pulp refers to the sci fi magazines which (at that time) were printed on cheap pulp paper. Very rough to the touch. Hence the term pulp-fiction.

I know what pulp fiction is. I was wondering if you were using oatmeal as a bizarre reference to some other kind of fiction.

[progressiveman1]

I am wondering what the status of that "unforgivabilty" of your parents is doing for you? That is, other than the ability to intellecutally evaluate and judge your parents behavior, what are you getting from the exercise? How is all the emotion you have in any way good for you?

I'm not saying it benefits me by getting angry at the fact they did a subpar job of teaching me, but how can you make peace with it when it is such a serious matter that they failed at and severely negatively affected me?

Even the assertion of the existence of values is a conceptual leap some people don't make. Apparently there must be something difficult about it or there wouldn't be so many people who are raised without them. Unless of course you think that that's all due to sheer negligence.

I won't make a judgement on most parents because all I'm aggrevated about is how lack of parenting directly affected my life. I know my parents knew at least some of the correct basic values(hard work, having a purpose, etc) and I don't think they made much of an effort to pass those values on to me. That means it is negligence, not ignorance.

[KendallJ]

I'm not saying it benefits me by getting angry at the fact they did a subpar job of teaching me, but how can you make peace with it when it is such a serious matter that they failed at and severely negatively affected me?

You make piece with it because:

a. it's over

b. There's nothing you can do about it now

c. you were not so damaged that you can't repair every single "wrong" that was done to you.

I won't make a judgement on most parents because all I'm aggrevated about is how lack of parenting directly affected my life. I know my parents knew at least some of the correct basic values(hard work, having a purpose, etc) and I don't think they made much of an effort to pass those values on to me. That means it is negligence, not ignorance.

As I said before I don't care whether it's neglicence or ignorance. Nor am I taking issue with the moral judgement you are passing. You started the thread asking about hard feelings, and that is what I'm talking about. Make the jugement, but leave the feelings behind. They do you no good.

Your refusal to look at the rest of the world and see how you could have turned out on average is anti-conceptual I think. You must understand the nature of the issue and that means understanding its mechanics and no better place than to look at the world you could have been born into. When one concsiders that probably 1/6th to 1/3rd ofthe worlds population is raised as not much more than mystical animals, then you woudl realize that the conceptual idea of values in the first place is not automatic, and frankly very difficult to assertain and implement for oneself.

[aequalsa]

how can you make peace with it when it ...

When I have been wronged due to someone elses dishonesty or immorality I distance myself from them immediately and think about them little after that. This stops the losses. My thought process is; They have already cost me (-X) which could be time, money, people, things, or health. Every minute after that I spend in a state of anger towards them increases the damage which they have done(-Y). So in (-X-Y) I have no control over X but I can limit the damage from there on out by limiting Y. If they are truly bad people, why spend any more time then necessary to not make the mistake again(if there was one on your part) and then move on with your life from there.

[avampirist]

I've had a lot of anger towards my parents for the way they raised me.

My dad had kids from a previous marriage, and when he decided to drink instead of being a father, his first wife kicked him out of the house, while the kids were still young.

Well, I was a product of his second marriage. Unfortunately, nobody kicked him out of the house that time .The result is me, a fucked up person. It's not hard to realize how my parents affected me, because I can literally just look at my two older siblings -the two from my dad's previous marriage - and see how they turned out. They are healthy and happy individuals. My sister is a lawyer.

So it's not as if I'm left wondering "what if". One might say that I made the wrong choices, but I think that would be far too disingenuous a thing to say, especially considering the stark contrast between me and my older siblings.

I try not to have hard feelings because it's just not productive in any way. Besides, I know that they too were children once, and they probably had bad parents themselves.

Although, it's a bit hard for me to accept that they "did the best they could", especially my dad, considering that his favorite book was, and still is, Atlas Shrugged! Yet I was left undisciplined as a child, left to be raised by TV. I was deprived of my mind. this makes me question whether or not he fully understood the book, or if he just didn't understand how to raise me, or both.

Edited October 8, 2007 by avampirist

[Lemuel]

Does anybody feel the same way towards their parents?

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were very active - volunteering for youth groups, teaching Sunday school, singing in choir, etc. I was made to participate in many activities that, when I become a teenager, I resented simply because they didn't interest me. I discovered Ayn Rand in college, and over a two year period, I rejected Christianity and became a student of Objectivism.

At first, I was a bit angry, but I knew that while I was in a transitional philosophical state, I didn't trust my feelings. I maintained silence about leaving the church, even though I'd stopped attending, and kept my mouth shut until my mind was on straight.

Now, 15 years later, I realize that my parents only wanted me to be protected, and that the best way they could do that was to raise me in the church that had given them stability and safety. Members of their family who were not active Christians were constantly in trouble, so they simply accepted that the only way to have a moral, happy life was to achieve it through their faith. Everything they did for me was out of love, even if it wasn't the optimum upbringing to start a rational, independent life.

Despite the church's heavy influence and the parts of my life I've had to reconstruct from rational principles, I choose to focus on the things that were of rational value that they taught me. My imagination and creativity was encouraged, but a sense of hard work and practicality shaped my upbringing. I was encouraged to think for myself, question my conclusions, and have the courage to admit that I could be wrong. They taught me to separate fantasy from reality (whoops!). They taught me manners, tact, and when to stay silent.

The rest I, perhaps irrationally, put in the "everyone is mad at their parents for something" category, and considering my Dad kept the lights on, my Mom was always ready with a hug or a bit of wisdom, there are no divorces, step-kids, affairs, or domestic violence episodes in my past, the "somethings" to be mad about are pretty minor. I've overcome them on my own, in my own way, and of my own choosing.

Plus, living as an Objectivist can be very lonely, and I value the fact that, when no one else gets me, they do.

Edited October 8, 2007 by Lemuel

[source]

I've come to a conclusion about my parents a long time ago: they are tyrants. How did I get to that conclusion? Simple: when things don't go the way they want, they use coercion and force to get me or my brother to do what they wanted. That is your classic character trait of a tyrant. Yet another showed afterwards, not long ago: they seek unconditional obedience.

My mother wants absolute control over my life. Any trace of independence on my part she wants to destroy completely, along with every hope of ever having independence. I literally have to fight for every little bit of control over my own life. She once told me that her greatest wish is for me to stay with her for the rest of her life. I was like, "Mom, what about MY life?" To which she would respond "Well, you need to take care of me when I'm old just as I took care of you when you were little." In other words, she is trying to make me feel indebted to her for raising me, while I can only do as much as feel greatful for it... but if that's what she raised me for - to take care of her when she's old - then I can't even be very greatful, can I?

As for my father, he is there mainly as her last resort - when her coercion methods don't work, that's when he steps in.

One thing I've been trying to fight off lately is being so financially dependent on my parents. I'm still at college, nearing completion soon, and these years were financed solely by my parents. I've been trying to find a part-time job for ages, only to realize time and time again that I already have a part-time job. My father owns a small business where I work too. I'm not constantly there, but when something needs to be done, I get summoned and I work. The problem with this is that they are using this as a way to cement my position as someone who would take care of his parents for the rest of their life.

They provide scolarship for me through this company, and they say that I'm their investment, thus obliging me to come and work there after college (I would only mention that no such agreement - written or verbal - has ever been reached). My disagreement on this point is out of the question. I told them I disagree about that several times, but that didn't lead to having my scolarship denied (in some odd way, that would be great!). The only thing it lead to is the changing of the subject; my disagreement is like a taboo, and the underlying message of evading this subject is "We'll get you when the time is right (for us)."

The only idea I have right now about how to resolve the situation is to get out of here head first. Attempting to improve the relationship with my parents has failed; trying to talk reason with them has failed. I'm confident enough that I could earn my own living and build a life elsewhere on my own, and as I've told my parents before, but they conveniently keep forgetting it, I want to move to and live (and work, of course) in the USA. But when I mention this, it's the story about my independence (or better, killing the idea of my independence) all over again.

So do I feel the same way about my parents? I don't have the slightest clue about how I should feel. Sometimes I'm just furious with them, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel like a playboy around my own parents; such as when a serious issue is ignored and some short-term pleasures create an illusion of us being a happy family and everyone is glad to play along and I know that this is all wrong but saying anything would make me a party or mood breaker and once again I would be getting a pep talk or a "lesson" from my mom which would be completely useless because it evades the real issue quite consistently. Besides, I realized that listening to such droning by my mother, aside from being completely useless because no matter what I say and how I try to attack the real issue, her evasion techniques are always better than my "deal-with-it" techniques, is bad for both my motivation and health. So, I guess the only truthful answer about how I feel about my parents would be sick and tired.

P.S. If anyone has any suggestions about what I could do, feel free to message me because aside from the one idea I mentioned, I'm all freshed out.