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Dealing with disfigurement

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Alfa

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I remember seeing a similar thread some while ago but I can't seem to find it again... but anway, I think this could possibly lead to some different kinds of questions.

This is about something that's been bothering the hell out of me for a very long time, but hopefully this will also raise some interesting questions for you who like to deal with the generalities and principles. Me, I just write to see if I can get my head straight. I'll start with a little brief history about myself.

Ever since my early teens I have been fat, or at least chubby, kid. Also, with a personality that would stand out... well, without going into details i'm sure you can imagine how this could create a few problems. Along the years I also grew fatter and fatter, until a couple of years ago where I found myself disgusted with the way I looked, while I also worked at a job that was slowly breaking my body down. To make a short story even shorter, I decided that I will refuse to live my life feeling weak, fat and even sick. You know, it´s a strange feeling i've had almost all my life, being so detached from my own body. It's like i'm proud, but would stand short and with a poor posture. My mind is willful and strong, but the body would be fat and weak... and so on. I think that's the exact opposite to how it should be like.

So, a little more than a couple of years ago I started to weight train and loose weight. In less than a year I lost around 75lbs. I looked like skin and bones, but getting rid of that fat sure made a hell of a difference, and after that I have focused more on building muscle and gaining a little weight again. The point is, I have been doing great. In fact I would even go so far as to say it's my greatest achievement yet. However, that must be understood within the right context. The improvements I have made are direct results of how well I have applied my mind to this task. It's a product of my thinking and reasoning. Furthermore, I have pushed through physical and mental limits that I believe most people cannot even imagine. All aspects put together it's been a truly rewarding experience.

One results from this is that in many ways I have come to love my own body. It's not really that I look great, because quite frankly I don't, but when I see myself in the mirror I see the progress and achievement. And seeing all that it's not like i'm going to care about a little excess fat or other minor flaws, most of which I could get rid of fairly quickly. A lot of people just accept what they were born with, but in a sense I made this.

There's one thing however, and this is like a constant reminder. I can feel great about myself, but no matter how good it gets this thing can always bring me down like a swift kick in the nuts. My problem is that since my early teens I got gynecomastia, which is kind of disfiguring. And the worst thing is I can't do anything about it. Exercise can make it less noticeable but it will only help so far. Surgery would be an option if I had the money, but I don't see how I could afford that in a long time. I guess I could try not to care what others might think, but the problem is I[/i think it's awful. I can ignore it to a certain extent, but sooner or later it always gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it.

So the question here is; how could one deal rationally with issues like this?

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I had a search on the internet, and found one place that does it for, what in the US, would be just over $6000. I don't know your pay bracket, what spare cash you have, what debts you already have to deal with, but to me, that seems fairly manageable. I mean, let's consider, if it is such an important value to you, to get the surgery (and if I were you, I would feel that I would want the surgery) then there could be a way to get it done.

Have you considered whether they'll let you do it in small payments? Can you ask parents or family members for a bit of cash? Do you have an ISA or something where you could start saving money for this procedure?

I mean, I don't know your financial situation, but would it be possible at all to really buckle down and earn the extra $6000 you need for the surgery?

Dealing with an issue rationally, you have to remember, doesn't mean 'mind over matter'. It means an integration of mind and matter - a realisation of what is in your mind, with what is in your matter, as it were. The rational decision is to do what would benefit your life, and I think what you really need to think about is if this is really important to you, and if so, all the possible things you can do.

I mean, let's say you put aside $300 a month, putting it into an ISA or keep sharp looking for the best savings account. In 20 months, you could afford the surgery (probably less, if the price drops as time progresses). You say it took little more than 24 months to get where you are now, and you're happy and feel a great sense of accomplishment with where you are now? Could you (is it metaphysically possible, and are you determined enough?) make that same commitment with the next 20 months to get what you want?

This is my two cents, based on what I see as rational for you - but unless you give us the full context, or you see a Licensed Professional (have you talked to a surgeon yet, about the cost and payment methods for such a procedure?) to talk this all through, the best person to ask is going to be yourself.

I think what you're asking is 'How can I know how to deal rationally with a problem?', and, well, I'll leave that to someone with a bit more experience than myself to explain.

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This is a value question, and the methodology is pretty much the same for any kind of value question.

1. What is my goal? What am I trying to accomplish?

2. WHY do I have this particular goal? What is my motivation for taking this action? Is it a rational motivation, or an irrational one?

3. What resources/acts are required to accomplish this goal?

4. What other opportunities will I have to forego in order to accomplish this goal?

5. Are any of those other opportunities more important than this goal?

6. Are any of those other opportunities more *valuable* than this goal?

If you can satisfy yourself that you've got a good answer to these questions, then you've used a rational methodology to decide what to do.

Now, as for your specific problem, you may want to give it a few years. Wikipedia says that adolescent gynecomastia usually goes away on its own as your hormones stabilize. (Remember that this can take until you're 25 or even older, depending.) By the time those years have gone by, you may be able to afford surgery. And making a definite decision (I'm going to wait and re-evaluate the problem in five years) you'll be able to relax and stop thinking about it.

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My financial situation is such that I have been out of a job for a little while, but rather recently got a new one. This means that at the moment I have no credit and I have to live with my parents. So my main priority has been to put away money so I can get my own apartment asap. If I put off those plans I could maybe get the money in six months or so, but that would be a truly desperate solution. On the other hand, living on my own I would probably be happy if I could save anything at all. That's how I think it would look like for at least a few years, especially if I decide to pursue some higher education. This is also another reason why I try to save as much as possible now, so I have some savings later.

If they could my parents would help me, but I can't stand owing them money, especially when I know they need to save everything they can for their retirement.

Of course it's not impossible. As someone once said; impossible is just an opinion. What i'm merely saying is that raising that kind of money might take a long while. However, one possibility could be to make small payments. But that option is still a bit ahead in the future, hopefully not too far away though. Another option would be to get a better paid job, but that's easier said than done and would mean taking a big risk. And right now, although I don't get paid that much, I really love waking up in the morning and going to work. That's worth a hell of a lot.

Anyway... I think my biggest problem is not to the part of raising the money. I can do that, with time. It's just that meanwhile...

Btw, you mentioned talking to a surgeon and I have just got a little vague information suggesting that there might be a slim chance of treating it with certain medication. It seems rather unsure but... maybe. The biggest problem is probably that such substances are so heavily restricted here in Sweden that I may have to beat a prescription out of the doctor...

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HAH, atleast you don't look like an acne prone monkey(me), LOL

Seriously though don't dwell on that stuff, it will just make you irrational(accept it). Also try to avoid those people that just blurt out their opinion for no reason because if you aren't truly confident words can cut like a knife, that's for sure.

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HAH, atleast you don't look like an acne prone monkey(me), LOL

Seriously though don't dwell on that stuff, it will just make you irrational(accept it). Also try to avoid those people that just blurt out their opinion for no reason because if you aren't truly confident words can cut like a knife, that's for sure.

Sometimes I actually wish people would be a bit more up front. I think one of the more difficult issues for me is that I cannot judge clearly for myself the way I look. I can't really tell how much is just in my head. That can make it difficult in situations like choosing what to wear and reading peoples reactions. I try to judge by what I see in the mirror, but mirrors don't necessarily tell the truth and a lot depends on what you choose to focus on.

To explain that last thing a little bit... As you are probably aware people can obsess about the strangest things and find faults that others will just shake their heads at. Take for example a good looking girl who obsesses about her weight because she just found out that her old jeans are a little bit too tight. If she tries to look at it objectively she only sees that the pants are definitely getting too small and her butt is clearly softer. The horror! However, any sane person looking at the whole picture, will just see a very attractive girl.

For me it's a little bit of the same thing, with the difference that it's definitely noticebale, I just don't know to what degree... and I think you can imagine what it does to your head when you grow up with it, while also being fat. I'm usually pretty confident but some things are just hard to let go.

Anyway... regarding people saying things; for whatever reason, they don't.

Now, as for your specific problem, you may want to give it a few years. Wikipedia says that adolescent gynecomastia usually goes away on its own as your hormones stabilize. (Remember that this can take until you're 25 or even older, depending.) By the time those years have gone by, you may be able to afford surgery. And making a definite decision (I'm going to wait and re-evaluate the problem in five years) you'll be able to relax and stop thinking about it.

First of all, you asked some really good questions there, and i'll get to them as soon as I have a little more time. :)

Regarding the problem solving itself, I don't have much hope for that. I'm 25 now so it's starting to get a little late for that. It could happen though, if i'm lucky, and that's a good reason to at least wait with surgery(it might come back otherwise, so...). So in any case, surgery is going to wait. Meanwhile I think I should see if an endocrinologist could help.

Edited by Alfa
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  • 8 months later...

Bump!

First of all, I want to thank you for your advice here. Thank you!

Second, well...

I have come to realize just how much this is an issue of self-esteem. You know, sure a thing like this can be... well, a problem... but what I have learned is to not let it effect how I value myself. I do not think the right way to go is to have surgery because I feel like such a foul and wretched creature, but instead because I value myself highly and think i'm good enough.

The last years have brough on quite a change. I have improved my physical condition dramatically, built myself up bit by bit... this even includes how I walk and talk, dress and groom myself. I have tried to put a concious effort into everything, and although i'm not finished yet I have done quite well if I may say so myself. It actually feels like I have finally reached a major milestone in my life.

I think this was very important for my latest decision. You see, a lot of the problems with gynecomastia was just poor self-esteem. It's obviously not the greatest thing to have, but it's not something that should affect my evaluation of myself. It's not about just "accepting" it, but rather have a more proper foundation for self-esteem(and when lacking that problems like theese easily get blown out of proportion).

Instead of poor self-esteem I think it's better to act upon pride. In this case I had a little money saved for tougher times, but things took a turn for the better and I found myself with a bit of extra money. So what better thing to do than invest it in surgery? Not because I any longer felt a need to do it, instead I just felt I deserved it. You know, after all these years it's more like a reward than anything else.

Anyway, I just thought it would be fun to share this. Hopefully i'm not too incoherent(I blame that on the funny meds they gave me at the clinic :D ).

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In this case I had a little money saved for tougher times, but things took a turn for the better and I found myself with a bit of extra money. So what better thing to do than invest it in surgery? Not because I any longer felt a need to do it, instead I just felt I deserved it. You know, after all these years it's more like a reward than anything else.

Well, potentially there are many "better" things to do with your money, but the question is, better for whom? Rewarding yourself is important too!

Things were recently looking up for me, too--I found a job and received some money that let me pay off most of my debts, so I decided to splurge a little and get a new computer. Then I lost my job so I'm back to square one again, but oh well. I'm still glad I got the computer.

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Well, potentially there are many "better" things to do with your money, but the question is, better for whom? Rewarding yourself is important too!

Things were recently looking up for me, too--I found a job and received some money that let me pay off most of my debts, so I decided to splurge a little and get a new computer. Then I lost my job so I'm back to square one again, but oh well. I'm still glad I got the computer.

Ah, yes you are right - it's not like it's generally the best thing for everyone to put their money on. :)

You atleast gained something from it, and new computers are great to have. It's one of my favourite things to spend money on(second only to cars, I think).

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Whats your body fat %? If youve always been chubby then how do you know that its gyno rather than just your body storing fat around your chest?

Also what do you currently weigh?

Don't know my bf%, but a fair estimate is that i'm slightly below 15%. I'm just under 5'9" at 163lbs. Anyway, it was my body "just" storing excess fat around the chest. It was probably hormonal causes when I was a kid, and increasing weight made it worse. Such things tend to also increase the number of fat cells, which makes it really difficult to get rid of. After my weight loss I weighed only 132lbs and the problem persisted, so... I think i've exhausted the option of building more muscle and cuting fat. At the end it only made it look worse actually, with the problem area more defined and the pecs pushing it out.

Anyway, i'm glad it's gone now. Now I can always look back at the positive things, like... what an incredible fashion-sense i've developed! :P

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