me, or the world?

[button]

I've always wondered if it’s me who’s abnormal, or if it’s the world. I don’t know if this is the result of my interest in subjects usually too "weird" or "unapproved" for the young adult, or if my interests are the consequences of my feelings of alienation.

I discovered early that it is impossible to be in the company of “friends” (I feel that I’ve only ever had one, and that was when I was 10) or most people my age and read a non-fiction book without getting looks of disapproval or associated embarrassment from “friends”. Interests outside of sport and music (mainstream only) elicit a similar response, more commonly combined with an amused and ridiculing laughter.

Meet me in the street or at a public gathering and ask me what type of music I like. I won’t lie. But I won’t be telling you the truth either. You will not hear about Beethoven, John Williams, Richard Strauss, and Nancy Sinatra… etc. You will not catch me listening to any of these, and if you do I’ll be embarrassed (experience, I guess). Ask me what I’m interested in. I won’t tell you. I’m just the average guy right, I get drunk (alone too), fuck (never at home so they wont ever get to see what I read and enjoy, also my parents are nosey) and like rock and sometimes other shitty music.

Now here’s my problem. How far do I go to become apart of society? See I don’t want to be a recluse or a miserable sod. I really want to have friends. Reading Rand’s literature for me initially caused me to dismiss everyone as “inferior” to me (bullocks if you ask me). It was just me rationalizing my pain. I’ve also read that lonely people are usually ones who have the most to offer. This also sounds to me like just rationalizing the pain to justify your lonely miserable existence (obviously I do not claim that everyone is lonely or miserable).

I feel and have felt weak (for a long time), like everything is against me, including myself. I realize how malevolent this sounds. But how can I tell myself this when everyday for me seems to be a struggle and all my greatest moments are isolated in the rest of my hitherto difficult existence?

So far I realize I need to address this on two-levels. The first is internal (my beliefs): confidence in myself, activities etc and external: meeting more new people at bars, book stores or wherever else.

[Zip]

My grandfather used to say "Them that are your friends will think the best of you. Them that don't? To hell with 'em."

I don't think you'll ever be happy or meet anyone who will make you happy if you don't make yourself happy by accepting who you are.

My .02 cents, no change required.

[Steven_M]

I've always wondered if it’s me who’s abnormal, or if it’s the world. I don’t know if this is the result of my interest in subjects usually too "weird" or "unapproved" for the young adult, or if my interests are the consequences of my feelings of alienation.

The trick is to not accept any unearned guilt and feel that you don't deserve happiness. Just remember that by learning a rational philosophy (Objectivism) and attempting to use it to guide your life you are living in reality; it is other people who are weird and often mystical, and amoral for that matter.

So my advice is to spend your time doing what you love, and then to experience the pride of accomplishment that accompanies it. The fact that you've accomplished endevours that you love stays with you for a long time. This does wonders for your self esteem as well, and makes you feel that you deserve the best that life has to offer.

All the best

Steven

Edited May 3, 2008 by Steven_M

[Ifat Glassman]

First of all, the only way out of this mess you're in right now is to think and analyze things. As long as you make an effort to understand the problem, you can solve it. So don't give in to depression!

It is you who is normal, and most people your age who are not.

Why do you think people your age disapprove of your interests? Is it because there is actually something bad or shameful in your hobbies? Or is it because it makes them feel more comfortable in trying to conform to society?

Can't you see that these people (who disapprove of your hobbies) are just conformists? They stick to the standard society offers them, they don't think for themselves. They are the kind that looks down at you if you buy a jeans from an unpopular brand. Is this the kind of people you want to be friends with? Is this the kind of people you're going to hide your identity for? Are these the kind of people you want to suck up to so they would like and approve of you?

My own personal answer to this was and is "hell no!".

So don't give in to self doubt. Analyze this as objectively as you can - don't let your emotions get in your way of your judgment.

Here is another thing; consider what would a life of conforming to society mean.

Suppose you didn't just go half way with conforming - suppose you went all the way.

You would not just hide your interests - but actively try to pursue the interests other people approve of. Begin to dress like other people approve of (the mainstream of society), talk about the subjects they approve of, and everything else.

What would this kind of life give you? Would you get happiness from the new friends this new behavior will bring you? Or will you feel boredom and stress when hanging out with them? Whatever positive emotion you would feel around them - would it be real? Or would it feel like you're running away from yourself? Think of past experiences to answer this.

How would faking your behavior make you feel about yourself? Would you respect yourself knowing you are faking smiles?

What about the other option? Acting like yourself. Do you think it's possible to make friends by acting like your true self?

I'm sure it is. But if you hide it, you will make it much more difficult for yourself to find those real friends, around which you can truly enjoy.

So two advices:

1) Act like yourself. Don't fake who you are.

2) Never give up on trying to understand things. Knowledge is power - power to achieve your own happiness.

Edited May 3, 2008 by ifatart

[Kori]

I think you should figure out what your definition of 'normal' is. Even if your interests are different from other peoples', I don't think that makes you abnormal. Plus, real friends aren't going to give much of a shit that you like Nancy Sinatra (at least, they wouldn't ridicule you for it). The kind of friends I want are the ones who, when they see me reading a book or listening to some kind of music they are not familiar with, are curious about it because they have an interest in the things their friends enjoy (even if they end up not liking the music, or maybe aren't so into all that book learnin').

One important thing I always try to remember (or...I'm just reminded of it on a regular basis) is that not everyone is like me (damn the world!). Different people have different qualities, good and bad, and it is important to me to try to find those good qualities in other people, weigh them against the bad qualities, and decide if it would be worthwhile to stay friends. Not everyone is going to be some perfect angel, but one can still find some value in those that are 'less-than-perfect'. I don't know much about your friends, or 'friends', but I find that people are often just kind of paranoid about how other people react. They may not really be ridiculing, and maybe it'd help to explain your interests to them (why you like what you like, etc.) and they could possibly be interested. If not, then whatever, but you really gotta start by showing the real you.