Mammon Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 (edited) Reality Bites Two boys lay on the grass, On their backs, In the summer. One boy turns his head and say's "Summer is beautiful!" The other replies "Yeah, but the bugs bite." The first boy ponders, Accepts it, And then replies "Yeah, but Winter is nice, you get to play in the snow!" The other replies "Yeah, but the frost bites." Frustrated, the first boy rolls the months over, until he is on his side staring down at the other. He builds up his courage and lets his words flutter down to their, "But, but, look at fall, all those beautiful leaves and colors--" The other blows his words sentence apart mid-air "Yeah, but all that raking bites." The first boy pulls himself up and curls into a ball. His thumbnail on his lips. Then it dawns on him, and he spreads his arms out and waves them around with fresh vigor and ripe words, "All we have left is spring, it's the time of year that all the pretty flowers come out, babies are born, the weather is really nice, you can't not like Spring!" And the other tilts his gaze for the first time, looks the boy straight in the eye and says "Yeah, but the IRS bites..." Dumbfounded, the first boy lays back down. The clouds creep by, one stands above them, In the cool shade he sighs and says... "Reality Bites" -- Justin W. Edited May 30, 2008 by Mammon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kori Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 That's really cute, Justin! Love it Was it an assignment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mammon Posted May 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2008 That's really cute, Justin! Love it Was it an assignment? Thanks I was just looking out the window today and I came up with it. Very implusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenure Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 That was lovely. I loved it. This bit especially: Frustrated, the first boy rolls the months over, until he is on his side staring down at the other. Great use of language there, between literally rolling onto his side and rolling the thoughts through his head. You should consider posting this for publication in some sort of magazine, with a few corrections. For example, the bit about the IRS. I would change that. The language of the first boy sounds a bit forced and I really don't think the other child would have the kind of context to form any sort of opinion on the IRS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
West Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 I guess I'm the tough critic on this one. To be perfectly honest, the first thing that came to mind was the Gallant Gallstone. I don't know if you intended this or not, but the story's theme is the corruption of youthful benevolence. I think you'd find that the story would be better if you reversed the order in which the children say things, with the first child (the benevolent one) "triumphing"--of course then, you wouldn't be ending with "reality bites," but "reality just is--you bite" or something to that effect. If you wanted it to be humorous, the first child could imagine a cloud to be a pillow and proceed to smother the second child, along with his malevolence, but perhaps that's a bit too surreal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenure Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 I agree it has a rather malevolent ending, and that's something I'd change as well. I guess I've just been trying to get into poetry recently and this has been a great break from the dreary: "A dark bark // Broke // It breaks bark like a dog barks // A pain" kind of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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