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Not too long ago I was contacted by a girl from school via the internet. I had never met her in real life before but she seemed cool and didn't look half-bad so we chatted online about music and literature for a bit. I invited her to get some coffee together on campus a few days ago.

Now here's the problem: she won't leave me alone. I can't go into any cafe or walk around campus without her finding me. She never stops sending me text messages.

This would maybe not be so bad if she wasn't morally disgusting. I discovered this after meeting her in real life and talking about concrete things rather than music, movies, etc. Here's a list of facts about her that make me cringe:

1) She's really religious.

2) She's the most altruistic person I ever met

3) She paints, but only "abstract art." She hates Romantic art, calling it boring and old-fashioned

4) She has the quote "God is like the wind, you can't see it but you know it's there" tattooed on her arm in ARABIC

5) She keeps trying to get me to join all these god-awful youth groups for things like bible study and animal rights

6) She has the attention span of a squirrel

7) She keeps trying to hug me in public and it's really embarassing.

And it's impossible for me to argue or even state my view points because she never stops talking. Never. She's just always going on and on about "Hey do you want to sign this petition? It's to get the government to send more aid to starving kids in Africa" or "I'm going to have a horrible GPA this semester but I could care less because finally I can do my part to help needy people" or "I want to move to Sweden some day, I hear their government is really cool and the landscapes are nice and there are all these trees blah blah blah" and so on. She just goes on and on constantly and I can't get a word in edgewise. I honestly don't think she knows anything about me, or even cares.

Can anyone suggest a "nice" way to resolve this? I don't just want to tell her to flat-out stay the hell away from me because I'll get labeled a jerk and an asshole which is not a reputation I want to have right now. But I can't take much more of this, being around her makes me want to scream.

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Be honest. Coldly, brutally honest. And make sure you tell her that you are going to be coldly, brutally honest about the way you feel.

Sometimes being labelled a jerk is necessary.

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Can anyone suggest a "nice" way to resolve this?

Grudgefuck her and then stop returning her calls.

Sorry...ok...I put away the construction worker...

Seriously, though, you don't have a lot of options. My guess is, that she's this interested in you primarily because you're not interested in her. If you carry on as you have been, it will get worse. So, clearly explain that you're not interested because of her screwed up value system. She'll either hate you forever or change her mind, if you're eloquent enough.

Otherwise, wuss out and try to avoid her.

It just occurred to me that you must be reciprocating on some level. Returning her texts, etc. If that is the case, stop it. Maybe she'll go away.

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"Hey. This isn't working. Stop texting me. Thanks."

Yeah, that would drive me crazy too. You need to break it off. Fast.

You can be polite about it, but don't lie or beat around the bush, hit every point you want to make, and be very clear.

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Just straight up tell her to fuck off. Annoying people need to be told they are annoying. Why suffer through it? Being the 'nice' guy isn't always the right move. lol.
If you weren't forced to be in her vicinity, ignoring all forms of communication works with everyone (FYI). Since she's around you, however, you have to be rude, because she has voided all polite communication between you; that is, she isn't acting like a civilized person. If rudeness isn't something you know how to do, figure out a couple strategies just for situations like this (not for any regular dealings with people): do what Kori says (makes a good story), or be exceptionally aloof and "busy" every time she comes around ("I'm busy, I can't talk to you [do not say "...right now"]). Your friends can help you out with this, get them to play along.

It might be good to understand that there are very, very few people like this girl out there, and this may be the only time you'll have to deal with someone like her.

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The next time you get a text you could reply with, "I don't want to be rude, but we don't have much in common." There's no need to explain.

She might not get the point right away. If she keeps asking to talk or hang out, reply with, "No thanks. We really don't have anything in common." This should not be hard to do over the phone. If she needs to be told a third time, don't feel any remorse in saying that you aren't interested in talking to her.

If you see her in public, its okay to say hello if she says hello. But when she starts to chat or sit near you, you have to tell her that you'd like to be alone (or that you want to spend some time alone with your group). This may be difficult for you. Understand that she shouldn't feel any shame in being told that you want to be alone.

If do this, you likely won't spend even two more minutes of your time on this problem.

Edited by FeatherFall
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I know what you're going through. I had it happen more than once in high school. I tried to be nice. It never worked. One guy guilt-tripped me because his mother committed suicide our sophmore year, and the other guy just followed me everywhere. I started just going to the library to get away from both and the one found me. He'd sit down with my friends and I, nag me to go out with him, and make everyone extremly uncomfortable. I never let him even think I was interested but I was not blunt about it like I should have been, and I didn't want to humilate him infront of my friends. At the end of the year I had to tell him that he was never going to get a girlfriend by nagging them and that I was not going to go out with him. He told me "well i'm gonna keep asking you anways." I was trying to be nice but by following me around for the better part of a year humiliating me and harrassing me he was being completely inconsiderate of my feelings. I went the blunt route, which I think is always the best way to go, and even that didn't deter him. Finally I started to ignore all of his phone calls and after a month of that he stopped trying. You will just have to try to tell her outright that she's wasting your time and hers. Ignore her text messages after you have told her that. I hope it goes well for you.

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I don't want to be rude, but we don't have much in common."

This is the best method, though I would be one level more blunt and say "Sorry, we have nothing in common and we are simply not compatible."

Qhatever you do, don't be wishy-washy with your choice of words. Be very clear and direct and use absolute terms.

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A lot of people are giving you very specific advice, as if they're experts on this sort of thing. Hrmm.

In my experience, if you continue acting disinterested, she'll get the message before too long.

I'm sure you can figure out how to avoid being around her constantly, without having to do something that would come across as harsh.

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I think the point is that it has already been too long. Being cold and incommunicative does not accomplish the goal of getting her to understand that there is no value in further contact. At least, if it does work, it certainly won't work as fast. Also, it has the drawback of being needlessly rude and will reflect poorly on him.

Also, he shouldn't have to change his habits to avoid her. In fact, he shouldn't have to worry about being near her at all. Proximity shouldn't be an issue if she gets the point.

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  • 5 months later...
Can anyone suggest a "nice" way to resolve this?

I think you have a bigger problem than this person. You cannot stop being nice. This is why this sponge of a person keeps sticking around you. My suggestion is - practice honesty and develop courage in following this principle; the solution to this problem will follow.

One way to do it is to remind yourself of how you are being used. How you suffer, while she exploits you for her pleasure and you put up with all her crap. And then ask yourself if you are willing to be used like a donkey in exchange for a "nice guy" image.

If you have enough self-esteem, you will not put up with being used like this, and it will be your primary motivation to tell her the truth.

And one last thing: what the hell is the value of a "nice guy" image? If "nice guy" means putting up with obnoxious people, then it's a turn off. No woman likes a wuss.

Edit: Removed bitter "edge" from the post and made the advice more practical.

Edited by ifatart
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Although I'm only seventeen, I have some experience of relationship like that. I know some ways of getting rid of girls like her.

1. If her value system is so screwed up, try to be the exact opposite of her values. If she's very religious, get yourself a t-shirt saying 'There is no God'; if she's a fighter for animal rights, create 'Really not a vegetarian' t-shirt. That helps you expressing something without saying it especially if she can't stop talking all the time.

2. Answer her text messages with quotes of your favorite thinkers, not your original thoughts. After hearing much Rand, Locke, Bacon, Aristotle, etc. she will not be that much into you.

3. The most jerkish way of making a girl leave you alone(only use it if others don't help) - taking with her or making remarks about sex non-stop. Unless she's a nympho, this will make you boring for her and fast.

4. There is also one way of getting rid of any girl - having 'someone else'. If she texts you and wants to meet you, just respond her that you're having a date with 'someone else' at that time. The more good details you mention of that 'someone else', the more she will hate you. Even if you don't have that 'someone else' around you, you clearly have your desired value system you can not stop boasting about if you really want to.

Hope these help.

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Although I'm only seventeen, I have some experience of relationship like that. I know some ways of getting rid of girls like her.

1. If her value system is so screwed up, try to be the exact opposite of her values. If she's very religious, get yourself a t-shirt saying 'There is no God'; if she's a fighter for animal rights, create 'Really not a vegetarian' t-shirt. That helps you expressing something without saying it especially if she can't stop talking all the time.

2. Answer her text messages with quotes of your favorite thinkers, not your original thoughts. After hearing much Rand, Locke, Bacon, Aristotle, etc. she will not be that much into you.

3. The most jerkish way of making a girl leave you alone(only use it if others don't help) - taking with her or making remarks about sex non-stop. Unless she's a nympho, this will make you boring for her and fast.

4. There is also one way of getting rid of any girl - having 'someone else'.

Say, why go through all this trouble - why not just tell her the truth? No human being will stay around you if you tell them straight to their face "I hate spending time with you".

What justifies someone going through all this selfless acts just to avoid honesty? Buying T-shirts, writing text messages, talking about sex or even - dating someone - just for the sake of avoiding telling the truth.

FYI, I'm seriously asking, if you think this is a selfish way to act - if it actually serves your self interest.

I understand it can be unpleasant or difficult to tell someone a painful truth (if you value them) - but the right way to go about it is to develop courage, not to run away from the right thing to do.

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