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4reason
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A friend forwarded this to me, who obtained it from a friend, etc. so I am not sure who the source is, but it made me smile so I thought I would share it on the forum. I would only change one thing: I would change the socialism one to say "the state gives you some spoiled milk" :) Okay, maybe I'd dispute the American Corporation one, too, but I can't think of a better cow way of explaining that one. The bureaucracy example is pretty spot-on, and the Japanese and German examples, well, they're just funny.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

“TRADITIONAL” CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON-STYLE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SUB-PRIME MARKETS

You have two cows. One is sick.

You package the cows as a milk producing security with guaranteed returns and low risk. You sell it to hedge funds, pension funds and mom and pop investors. They enjoy the income of milk and you enjoy the money they paid for your cows. The sick cow dies. Institutions ask questions about why your security is producing less milk and they discover the cow is dead. They can't sell the security because no one wants a diseased cow carcass and everyone suspects the other cow might die too. They can't borrow money to buy anything else because their asset base has reduced due to the death of one cow and the decline in market value of the other. This has reduced their liquidity and credit rating. The government pledges $700 billion of tax payer money to buy back securities for dead and diseased cows. You don't care; they're not your cows...

QANTAS

You have two cows.

One of them keeps falling over and the other sleeps in. Your cow engineers keep striking for more money.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

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AN AMERICAN AUTO MANUFACTURER:

You have two cows. They only produce the milk of 1/12 a cow because you can't engineer anything to be as efficient as the Japanese or German corporation because you're legally bound to keep letting a hundred union workers take one squeeze of one teet each day and then take two weeks of paid vacaction after five days of "hard" work.

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STAR WARS:

You have 3 healthy cows.

You decide to breed 3 more, but they are sickly, produce no milk, and make all of your friends wish you would have quit after the first 3 cows.

SOUTH PARK:

You have 2 cows.

They trample Kenny.

ITALIAN:

You have one cow.

You make it an offer it can't refuse.

The cow now produces 4 times as much milk.

KAZAKHSTAN:

You have one cow.

You record for purposes of make moviefilm about cow.

Great success.

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  • 2 weeks later...
A Mexican corporation:

You own two cows.

You take a nap and figure you'll think about what to do with the cows tomorrow.

More like:

A Mexican corporation:

You have two cows.

Nevermind, you have one cow. The other ran north of the border.

Edited by Sir Andrew
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More like:

A Mexican corporation:

You have two cows.

Nevermind, you have one cow. The other ran north of the border.

Hardly. That doesn't involve leaving things for tomorrow or taking a nap. :lol:

Joke:

The UN commisions all member states to conduct a study on the pressing issue of threatened elephants and what the world can do about them. Since this is a matter of the utmost urgency, each nation is given ten years to complete its research and present the results before the General Assembly.

When that day finally comes, the US presents a study on "How to rais elepahnts for fun and profit." Japan presents a study on "The miniaturization of elephants." Germany presents a study entitled "Treatise on the tip of the left pinky toe-nail of the African elephant." Cuba presents "The elephant as victim of the capitalist oppresors."

When his turn comes, the Mexican ambassador to the UN says "Wasn't it due tomorrow?"

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Parliament:

You have two cows.

The leading party accidentally kills one of the cows.

The House of Commons goes for drinks before convening to discuss the matter.

The House convenes.

The Prime Minister tries to explain himself.

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

The Shadow Minister comes up with a funny quip.

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

The Prime Minister evades with a non-sequitor!

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RAR RAR RAR!!

Edited by Tenure
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US Corporation (circa 2008):

You have two cows.

You loan one cow to a neighbor who can't feed it. The cow starves to death.

You ask the government for another cow.

That is a great one! It illustrates the details of the bail out in as crystal clear a way as I've ever seen.

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  • 1 month later...

A Fundamentalist Christian Corporation:

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy two bulls.

The bulls are too big for the cow

You hire a consultant.

The consultant suggests harvesting sperm from bull A while he's mounting bull B

You burn the consultant at the stake. Your cattle business will go broke, but you've done the Lord's work.

A Corporation based in Gaza:

You have two cows.

You slaughtre them and throw their meat into the ocean

You blame it all on Israel

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A Fundamentalist Christian Corporation:

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy two bulls.

The bulls are too big for the cow

You hire a consultant.

The consultant suggests harvesting sperm from bull A while he's mounting bull B

You burn the consultant at the stake. Your cattle business will go broke, but you've done the Lord's work.

I'd make it more like:

You have two cows.

You build it into a successful business.

Then you invite in every homeless bum you can find and offer them some milk and meat if they agree to listen to 4 hours of sermons every night.

When the homeless bums pretend to convert and then just try to steal all your cows, you use all your bureaucratic pull to have them rounded up and imprisoned,

Cause God gave you those cows.

Then you visit the prisoners ceaselessly and pummel them with forgiveness until they agree that God really is the bee's knees,

And when they get out of prison for good behaviour you get them good jobs at some Catholic dairy farm.

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  • 1 month later...
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell your stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

No, I didn't made this.

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Obamanomics:

You have no cow.

You paint yourself white and black and say "moo!"

Everybody buys you.

They stay up all night celebrating their great new cow.

They wake up the next morning and find a big steaming pile of bullshit.

They cart it out to the new collective farm, and marvel at the effectiveness of their new cow.

You take half their crop and tax them on the value of the "gift" manure.

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