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The old days

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D'kian

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I was born well after TV became the center of home entertainment, so I missed the golden days of radio. All the same, I've come across some very funny routines done on the radio years and years ago.

One is a pre-revolutionary Cuban show about a courtroom where the same two plaintiffs always take the same man to court in front of the same judge. The plaintiffs always claimed some sort of scam, the defendant, named Tres Patines, always claims he's innocent or that he delivered what was asked (and he speaks in a thick Cuban accent absent in the other characters). The judge invariably rules against him.

Another is the classic Abbot and Costello "Who's on first?" routine. I'm sure everyone's familiar with it. It's been copied even more often than Willie Wonka in cartoons and other comedy shows (Johny Carson did a good one playing Reagan.) it's funny how the guy trying to find out the players' names (Costello?) keeps trying different approaches and never quite gets it.

Now, unlike TV or even editorial cartoons, radio jokes can be told in print and they are, almost, as funny. So:

"Whats' the fellow's name on first base?"

"No! What's the fellow's name on second base."

"I'm not asking you who's on second!"

"Who's on first!"

"I don't know!"

"He's on third. We're not talking about him."

"How did I get on third base?"

"You mentioned his name."

"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?"

"No! Who's on first."

[..]

"The left fielder's name?"

"Why"

"I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you!"

"And I just thought I'd tell you."

"So tell me the left fielder's name!"

"Why."

"Because!"

"He's on right field."

[..]

"Does St. Louis have a pitcher?"

"Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?"

"I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name."

"Tomorrow"

"You don't want to tell me today?"

"I am telling you, man!"

"So tell me!"

"Tomorrow."

"what time tomorrow?"

"What time tomorrow what?"

"What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?"

"now, listen. Who is not pitching. Who's on-"

"I'll break your arm if you say 'who's on first'!"

As far as I'm concerned, all baseball was ever good for was this comedy bit :)

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I thing for wordplay Groucho Marx is tough to beat. Not to mention he was loquacious enough to be his own straight man sometimes.

Some memorable quotes I've found:

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."

"A child of five could understand this...fetch me a child of five, I can't make head or tail of it."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter, someday I intend reading it."

"You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"Why did I sit with her? because she reminds me of you, that why I'm here with you, because you remind me of you, your eyes, your throat, your lips, everything about you reminds me of you...except you. How do you account for that? (if she figures that one out she's good.)"

"Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."

"I drink to make other people interesting."

"Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot."

But then there's Mark Twain.

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