Check, please.

[D'kian]

I'm trying to re-take writing after some years of not writing. I'm very uncertain about what I'm doing, so I thought I'd post the opening scene of my latest and as you all:

1) is it clear?

2) can you follow what's going on?

Many thanks.

PS it is science fiction.

THE USELESS REBELLION OF CALLUM SHAD

By D'kian

The Woods right outside Lianastra Len constituted little more than an aging, untended park separating the city from a suburb. To a city dweller they might seem an impenetrable forest, however, rife with hiding places and wild animals. Especially at night, with only the faint bluish glow of Lesser Big Moon.

Callum Shad took pride on being a city woman, but The Woods didn’t intimidate her. She figured long ago even the denizens of a metropolis should know their city’s surroundings. So whereas an inexperienced citizen might see the gully as a muddy and foreboding pond, she knew it to be little more than a drainage ditch clogged with litter and the detritus of the former park.

And a good place in which to meet someone unobserved, even had The Woods been crawling with Lianastran’s enjoying a mild evening. Her contact had chosen a good spot.

Yet she felt anxious, and The Woods’ reputation, perhaps, increased her uneasiness. That much she admitted to herself. None of that showed. Her blue-green skin did turn clammy, her emerald eyes did not narrow, and all nine of her fingers stayed still, not grasping at her clothes or flexing aimlessly. If her heart raced a little, if her blood pressure became a trifle high, and if her head hurt, well, what else could one expect when engaging in conspiracies with an unknown alien?

“Good evening, Callum Shad,” a quiet, low-pitched voice said. “You are vulnerable outside the city.”

“I am vulnerable everywhere,” she replied without hesitation, “while the Overlords exist.”

“As are we all.”

The alien stepped into the faint moonlight. Absurdly, Callum Shad felt disappointment. He, presumably, looked just like any native soldier of the Overlords. Why not? She’d found that many other species had the same basic shape as the people here on Kyrala Sel. Under battle armor, they all looked alike.

But he’d spoken the recognition codes. Slowly the alien unstrapped his fire lance and placed it on the ground. Then he removed his side-arm from its holster and put it on the ground. He’d likely still have a weapon on him. That was okay. Callum Shad was also armed.

At last the alien removed the dark blue helmet. Now she could see he was, indeed, not Kyralan. His skin a light shade of beige as to be almost colorless made for an impressive contrast with his dark, dark eyes and reddish lips. Hair grew in arches over his eyes, and more seemed to be sprouting around his jaw and upper lip. She wondered where else he may have hair, other than at the top of his head like a Kyralan. Perhaps his species had not evolved living partially on water.

But the merits of comparative evolution could wait for victory, as could, and would, everything else.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“I am known as Apollo,” the alien answered.

Callum Shad spread her arms in a shrug. “You asked for this meeting,” she said.

“Oh, yes,” his lips parted, the lower one widening in a downward arch in what Callum Shad tentatively classified as a smile. “We have mutual interests to discuss.”

“I am not aware of any.”

“Your people are close to launching a full-fledged uprising. Perhaps in half a year, perhaps sooner. When you do, you will fail. You can’t possibly win”

Callum Shad’s lips stretched in a half-smile.

“If we had such plans we would win. I do not engage in pointless action.”

“You may defeat the Overlords in this world. But you can’t defeat them in other worlds.”

“What should I care about other worlds?” she spread her arms again. “I can’t fight their battles for them, and I wouldn’t if I could.”

“You should care, Callum Shad. Because even before you achieve victory in Kyrala Sel, if you achieve it, the Overlords will gather their armies in the other worlds of the Realm. They will come here again and conquer you again.”

[fletch]

I like it alot. I do have one minor criticism, however. In the very beginning, you have two sentences that are not sentences:

"Especially at night, with only the faint bluish glow of Lesser Big Moon."

"And a good place in which to meet someone unobserved, even had The Woods been crawling with Lianastran’s enjoying a mild evening."

I think you can get away with that sort of thing if you do it occasionally or if you are trying to emphasize something, but I had to re-read the first part to make sure I understood what you were saying. Other than that, I thought it was great.

[D'kian]

I like it alot. I do have one minor criticism, however. In the very beginning, you have two sentences that are not sentences:

"Especially at night, with only the faint bluish glow of Lesser Big Moon."

Thank you. I guess it reads better thus "To a city dweller they might seem an impenetrable forest, however, rife with hiding places and wild animals, especially at night with only the faint bluish glow of the Lesser Big Moon to light the place."

The other line could read: "It was also a good place in which to meet someone unobserved, even had The Woods been crawling with Lianastran’s enjoying a mild evening. Her contact had chosen a good spot."

Better?

[Zip]

Thank you. I guess it reads better thus "To a city dweller they might seem an impenetrable forest, however, rife with hiding places and wild animals, especially at night with only the faint bluish glow of the Lesser Big Moon to light the place."

I don't think the however is required, it breaks up the sentence.

"To a city dweller they might seem an impenetrable forest, rife with hiding places and wild animals, especially at night with only the faint bluish glow of the Lesser Big Moon to light the place."

My .02

[D'kian]

I don't think the however is required, it breaks up the sentence.

I use that word a lot. Maybe too much. Thanks.

[D'kian]

Fletch and Zip (strict alphabeticla order) and anyone who may be interested:

I'm close to finishing the story, no later than next Sunday depending on my work schedule. Would any of you volunteer to read it and offer a critique? Not in depth or anything time-consuming (although I'm at 19 double-sapced pages about 2/3 through), mostly I'm looking to see whether I wrote clearly enough.

Any takers please post here or PM me.

Many thanks.

[fletch]

Yeah. I'd like to read it.

[D'kian]

Yeah. I'd like to read it.

Thank you Fletch. I'll PM you when it's ready.

[Zip]

Sure. PM incoming