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Thought regulation

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Guest ArenaMan

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Guest ArenaMan

I'm in my last semester of college (3 months to go), and I've just met this girl. We have gotten to know each other very well lately, and have spent a lot of time together. We have both expressed romantic interest in each other, but we talked about it and agreed that because of our circumstances, trying a relationship wouldn't be a good idea (she's taking a year off and staying in this city next year, and I'm going to grad school elsewhere).

I'm very good at regulating my thoughts in order to adjust my habits. I can tell myself little things like, "from now on make sure to check the weather before going out in the morning" and I will start doing it. This also applies to my mental processes sometimes. If I want to, I can often stop thinking about something and distract myself with other thoughts.

For example, if someone were to pull a joke on me that set me off, and I needed to get back to work, I could brush it off and tell myself I have better things to do. In the case of this girl, however, if my thoughts start wandering and I find myself thinking about how much I like her or something, I could tell myself "nothing will come out of it, stop thinking about it," or I could tell myself "that would be nice, too bad it won't work out." But which is more psychologically healthy?

I think this is a pretty relevant issue for anyone who has developed a good capacity for influencing their subconscious thoughts and behavior with rational thoughts. When it is evasion, and when is it okay to "control" what you're thinking.

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In this case, I don't think it's OK to "control" your thinking. Plus, it would be difficult to, if you keep seeing her.

The way I see it, there are two choices: give the relationship a chance, even if it is long distance for a while, or break it off completely, never see her again, and then you'll forget about her. In fact you should take the decision together (if the first decision was made the same way), but you have to make it clear to her that these are the two options: you're either hooking up, or moving on.

It is however silly to be friends with someone you are attracted to, but never go any further. You're turning this into a test of willpower, and you'll get hurt, because those tests don't work when feelings are involved. You can't will your feelings away, you can only get rid of their cause: in this case the sight of the girl who cannot be yours, even though you want her. Get her, or move on.

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Guest ArenaMan

Thanks for the comments.

Give the relationship a chance. Continuing it at "long" distance isn't the end of the world.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

You're turning this into a test of willpower, and you'll get hurt, because those tests don't work when feelings are involved.

I'm not sure that I agree with this. I'm attracted to her, yes, but not having her isn't tearing me apart. I don't feel overwhelming unhappiness when I think about how things won't work out. It's a little frustrating, but does that overcome the value that I get from spending time with her? It doesn't feel that way, at least not at this point, I think because I haven't invested a lot into the relationship as if it were to be a romantic one. Maybe I'm not very good at making close friends, but I don't have many of them and dealing with some unpleasant thoughts seems like a small price to pay. I think this is an interesting topic... maybe it deserves its own thread.

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From your last post, it sounds like you already know how you want to handle it, and are simply looking for agreement or solidarity.

[edit] Maybe that's a hasty judgement. But "does anyone else have an opinion on this?" sounds like "Does anyone have an opinion on this that agrees with mine?"--given that your request was based on receiving an opinion that disagreed.

Edited by musenji
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Guest ArenaMan
From your last post, it sounds like you already know how you want to handle it, and are simply looking for agreement or solidarity.

[edit] Maybe that's a hasty judgement. But "does anyone else have an opinion on this?" sounds like "Does anyone have an opinion on this that agrees with mine?"--given that your request was based on receiving an opinion that disagreed.

You're right to an extent that I already know how I want to handle it. I mainly brought up my situation to give an example of what I was referring to, and I'm open to feedback if people want to give it. Whether people want to talk about my original question, or the specific example I gave, I think both ways will address the question. When I asked for other opinions, that's all I was asking for. Zhuge Niu didn't elaborate much, which I'm okay with, but if someone else wanted to go into it more I'd be interesting in hearing what they had to say. Or the opposite.

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What's wrong with making a realistic assessment and deciding to delay gratification? That sounds like something that happens all the time--I'm working on getting a better job so I'm pursuing a college education. What on earth would be the use of telling me "either get the job or give it up, but putting it off for this college nonsense is utterly worthless"? It completely ignores the fact that any achievement requires a *means* of achieving it which may take *time*. I think there's something despicable about men who regard women as interchangeable parts where a slight delay in pursuing one particular woman means that she's inherently not worth pursuing so you'd be better off looking for a replacement rather than waiting for a while. :lol:

I think the best way to deal with your wandering thoughts and emotions is to remind yourself that it's okay for you to feel frustrated--not just okay, but absolutely right, and remind yourself "I'm doing this for a reason, and won't it feel great when I reach my goal having stayed the course!" It gives you fuel to go on and heightens your sense of achievement when you do reach the day. Granted, it is good to set a limit to how much you're willing to pay--if things change and the year turns into two or you meet someone you like a lot better, it's time to look elsewhere. The how much and why and what for all depend on your personal desires, interests, and situation, so you're the only person who can set them.

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If you think she's hard to get out of your mind now, wait until she meets someone else and you are constantly wondering "what if?" I don't consider anything under 9948 miles a long-distance relationship anymore. It scares me to think how close I was to not dating my fiancée because she would have to go back home at the end of our semester.

regrets.png

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About seven years ago, my girlfriend and I were both active duty military. We had been dating for approximately one year, and she got orders for a one-year tour in Korea. At that point, neither of us was sure we wanted to do anything permanent, so we decided that we would keep in contact, but have no further obligation to one another. We both found (in my case, manufactured) ample opportunity for romance outside of our relationship, but neither of us found ourselves particularly interested. Four months after she left, we were planning the wedding. We have now been happily married for six years, and we have two beautiful sons. I don't know if this helps you at all, but it seemed relelvant.

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