Jump to content
Objectivism Online Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Inertiatic

An Open Letter to the President of the US

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Dear Mr. President,

I have been following the course the government has been taking in the last few years and have compared that with what you have said that you will do in the next few years with the greatest of interest. Through all of the doubletalk I have noticed a relatively common pattern and I have, in my readings from various cultures, found a solution that I think might solve the country’s- no, the entire world’s- problems: similar to A Modest Proposal, I suggest that we eat the elderly (rather than children).

Most of the elderly are on welfare, slowly sapping the money of the taxpayers while spending little and unvaryingly, and without jobs with which to create something. Therefore, money is being poured into a massive, rusty drain, showing little return. The money saved by the taxpayers that actually work for a living or are contributing faithfully to their 401(k)s would improve the economy to an unimaginably greater degree than the old. But imagine the benefits the new welfare would bring:

1. There are increasing amounts of families going hungry, and, as it has been found that humans taste better with age, would be receiving quality and nutritious food, rather than the gross bare essentials provided by food stamps. Each senior citizen could, with some rationing, last a family of four for about a week and a half, and would therefore last longer than a loaf of bread or a bowl of soup.

2. As the elderly drain large amounts of good, useful land with retirement homes and houses they refuse stoutly to leave, the now-open houses would increase the amount of available property and could be sold for low prices to homeless or extremely cramped families. The retirement centers/nursing homes/hospices could be torn down and be used in negotiations to build wind farms and solar power plants and nuclear power plants. The air would be effectively sucked out of that bubble…!

3. Senior citizens are deadly drivers, and therefore the roads would be made much safer. There are laws existing that forbid one from being drunk and driving or high and driving but not senile and driving, which poses a safety hazard for all safety-conscious and still street-legal drivers on the road. This would also reduce gas consumption considerably, and would lower demand, increasing supply, and causing prices to fall.

4. Those most adamantly against any change, good or bad, are generally older people. They remain steadfast in their views, never pausing to question them and find out what principle they are acting on, allowing the country to fall deeper into ruin. “We shouldn’t get rid of antitrust laws because they’ve always been there….” Needless tradition, carried on to what avail? Economic and cultural ruin.

Practically, slaughtering the elderly and feeding them to the hungry is much better than redistribution of funds. It’s more of a redistribution of flesh and organs, so to speak. When one turns sixty, they must be tagged, and when they turn sixty-five, their names are entered into a computer system that randomly distributes the living sustenance to those on the welfare list. Because it is random, it is possible for those with their names in the computer to actually live until they meet their eventual and inescapable demise. So there’s still hope for them.

Also, those in the slaughtering industry would receive a healthful boost, as well as meat packaging companies. Demand on formaldehyde and other embalming materials would decrease, making funerals cheaper. A few industries would weaken considerably, but they are negligible ones.

The past is done and over with. We need to think of the future- and how better to do that than by removing anyone who can remember the past?

As welfare money will no longer be an issue, the problem is how to make sure there will be enough registered senior citizens with which to feed a hungry family. Well, this is simple: no one has to know exactly what age the person they’re eating was. You’re the government: you can tweak the numbers.

The one major problem would be in getting the headstrong and emotional voters to agree with this extremely rational and practical viewpoint. So another option is to, similar to Romans and their gladiators, invade other countries and seize their senior citizens, and maybe their governments, too. After all, we are eating the elderly in the name of freedom, and any country that does not do likewise is an enemy of freedom and therefore an enemy of the United States of America. (See: the Vietnam War)

A lot of society’s problems could be solved or made more bearable with this simple step in a nation’s development. While other countries continue to fumble with cumbersome and annoying monarchies and dictators, we shall have a youthful nation under our iron fingertips. They’ll see what freedom brings…!

I thank you for your time and look forward to the very first dinner in the White House in which the main course is an elder statesman.

Respectfully yours,

Concerned Citizen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Congratulations. You are now on a list at the NSA.

Stole my thunder. It's the Secret Service's list though, and it's not hyperbole. Nor is it totally unjustified. Keeping a list of funny-sounding letters is part of the job. Even though this particular one is humorous rather than threatening, I'll guarantee that the sarcasm will be over the head of some bureaucrat who tallies these.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's times like these I wish all computers were equipped with the irony mark.

Me? On a gov'ment list? I'm that much of a threat? Amusing.

More than likely someone didn't get what I was saying, said, "Whatever, crazy," and hit the delete button. As long as somebody read it.

Now, what to say about environmentalism...? Haha.

Edited by Inertiatic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It's times like these I wish all computers were equipped with the irony mark.

Me? On a gov'ment list? I'm that much of a threat? Amusing.

More than likely someone didn't get what I was saying, said, "Whatever, crazy," and hit the delete button. As long as somebody read it.

Now, what to say about environmentalism...? Haha.

You really have no idea do you.

The people that most likely read this piece of stupidity deal with some really crazy people, and guess what, they are not all as funny or as harmless as the homeless guy that you see downtown talking to man-hole covers.

These people are paid to be paranoid, they save lives by being paranoid and they keep lists of those people who they think are, might or will become an annoyance, an inconvenience or dangerous.

Way to go kid. :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Being on the list doesn't mean there'll be any consequences whatsoever. (unless your job brings you in contact with classified materials- if you work for a defense contractor-, or you want to work for an intelligence agency, visit the White House etc.)

But I can assure you, your letter has been saved along with all the others (chances are in the "somewhat interesting" section), your name was catalogued accordingly. And it will come up, if someone does a wide enough search on you.

Again, if you don't depend on some bureaucrat giving you a very special stamp of approval, it doesn't matter, there isn't a big conspiracy to track everyone, but don't think that someone would actually delete something that is even a little hostile or odd. The government is set up to save every information they can get their hands on, no matter how unimportant. They don't care about efficiency, they only care about not screwing up.

P.S. That said, the idea that you actually sent it, and there's a remote chance that someone in the White House might read it, makes the sarcasm in the letter all the more enjoyable. It's very funny.

Edited by Jake_Ellison

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...