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Unwanted gifts

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Jill

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Imagine the following hypothetical:

A friend gives you something of value you don't really want and you ask him if he rather not have it back. The friend rejects that. Later the friendship becomes impossible to maintain and you are not talking anymore. Months pass. One day, you need the money more than you need the item gifted so you put it up on Ebay for a sale. The ex-friend decides to appear out of nowhere and harass you on Ebay protesting that the proceeds of the sale of his gift should go back to him.

This ex-friend is wrong, right? This person has no right to demand a gift back, because it's your property now.

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I'd say so. A gift is a gift. The item is yours now, to do with as you please.

If we're talking about a wedding or engagement ring, things might be different. AFAIK, it is tradition to return those rings to your ex-fiancee / ex-spouse. One could argue that a "gift" of this kind is conditional and thus not really a gift.

On the other hand, your friend adamantly refused to take the item back, so your friend has definitely relinquished any and all rights to it.

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I would agree. It's a gift, your prior offer to return it was rejected -- it's yours, free and clear to do with what you wish. Your ex-friend is being a jackass.

Then again, you might take my opinion with a grain of salt. When I left for college, my father gave me a computer as a gift. At the time I asked him whether it was mine, and he said it was, that I could do whatever I wanted to with it without his permission. A few years later, when my brother was leaving for college, I sold the computer back to my father to give to my brother and bought a newer one for myself. I'm still proud of that, but my response seems to be a minority position -- and that implies that my attitude towards gifts and trade isn't a widely-shared one.

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If we're talking about a wedding or engagement ring, things might be different. AFAIK, it is tradition to return those rings to your ex-fiancee / ex-spouse. One could argue that a "gift" of this kind is conditional and thus not really a gift.

On the other hand, your friend adamantly refused to take the item back, so your friend has definitely relinquished any and all rights to it.

I think in the mind of this ex-friend person, the gift was conditional on continued friendship.

....How did the friend know about the sale?

Probably link in blog.

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This is the way I would resolve the situation: take down the eBay page, and tell your ex-friend you've decided not to sell it. Create a new eBay account and sell it, put it on craigslist or amazon, or take out ads in the local paper, or post fliers. The item is yours, do what you like with it; dealing with harassment is not something you should put up with. Perhaps ask another friend to sell it for you if necessary to avoid harassment. It may help end the harassment if you say something like 'you're right, you gave me this item as a gift for me personally, and not for others to use/have/enjoy. I will respect that and treat it as such.' Most people will not recognize that selling it falls under that statement, and so your ex-friend should stop harassing you about it. If that's not enough, this is a situation where I think it's perfectly acceptable to lie to protect yourself from harassment and protect your property rights.

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If we're talking about a wedding or engagement ring, things might be different. AFAIK, it is tradition to return those rings to your ex-fiancee / ex-spouse. One could argue that a "gift" of this kind is conditional and thus not really a gift.

The wedding ring is yours to keep, but the engagement ring is not considered a *gift* by legal precedent and must be returned to the giver if the marriage contract is not accepted. Legally, an engagement ring is treated like a valuable item put up to secure a lien--it is still the property of the giver unless the *giver* terminates the contract.

(I think that's correct, but keep in mind I arrived at this conclusion by watching Judge Judy.)

Anyway, I agree that--other than an engagement ring--gifts are gifts. I don't agree with miseleigh that you should lie about it, though, because refusing to stand up for yourself emboldens people making absurd demands. If they're being annoying enough, selling it via some other means is probably a good option (and don't even respond to anything the person says, just close the sale and vanish). But don't lie, that can come back and bite you in the ass.

Oh, and ABSOLUTELY make PERMANENT RECORDS of EVERY bit of correspondence you have with this person and every action you take just in case they attempt to sue. They probably won't, but you should be prepared, and having actual evidence of ANYTHING makes a far superior case.

Edited by JMeganSnow
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What if the person keeps sending gifts after the friendship is over? Should they be returned?

Yes. Accepting a gift deceives the other person into thinking that you're interested in a relationship (or at least sends mixed signals), and is immoral.

I'd say the one exception would be a gift which you really need, and you are certain that the person giving it to you understands that he/she has nothing to gain from you in exchange. Then, if absolutely no deception or false assumptions are involved, it is fine to accept it.

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A bit off topic, but this reminded me of a gift that my wife and I gave to my aunt. It was some sort of Santa Claus candy dish that my wife thought she might like to use around the holidays. A couple of years later, we were pretty surprised when my aunt gave us the exact same gift back as a Christmas present. Apparently she had forgotten that we gave the dish to her originally and decided that it would look better in our house than her's. I felt like I was living through an episode of Seinfeld.

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Where did this second gift come from? You listed one gift on Ebay and he/she protested and now has sent you a second unsolicited gift? It's all rather strange!

Have you told this person in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over?

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You can also put, "Refused, Return to Sender" on an unopened package and put it right back in your mail box.

Or, if you really want to be rude, you can sell the new gift on eBay and send the giver a note thanking him for helping you restock your inventory.

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I was thinking of making it clear in public that I am not this person's friend anymore and anything this person sends is in full acknowledgement of that and will be considered voluntary donations. Good idea?

No. By keeping the gift you are inviting more trouble into your life, from an obviously irrational person, than what the gift is worth. I'd spend the postal fee to send the gift back, and if the person still doesn't get the message, I'd just throw out the or not accept the subsequent gifts.

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You don't have any obligations at all here. But, it would be in your best interest to send back the first gift, just to make your point clear. Then, if he sends further gifts, you should just refuse to accept them or throw them out.

One other possibility that just occurred to me would be to donate any further gifts to charity, assuming they are of a type where that would be appropriate. Drop them off at a local Goodwill or Salvation Army station and be done with it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

If the person will not stop sending you gifts after multiple requests, you may want to contact a local police officer and inform him of your dilemma. Anti-social persons have been known to give gifts to potential victims to validate their abuse. While I do not think that it is necessary to go to any special trouble to return the gifts, you must notify the sender whether or not the gifts are acceptable. Be careful.

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