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Not Talking

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Intresca
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I don't know if this is going to be entirely important or relevant to anyone here, but I really think I need some advice. My girlfriend and I are having problems with communication, mainly keeping a consistent, active, conversation. And keeping those conversations active is very important, since it's a long distance relationship. Talking is nearly our only way of being with each other, since we're almost two-thousand miles apart. And taking trips to see each other isn't much of an option to us because of financial issues. It's as if our conversations are slowly fading into practically nothing but routine questions. I would give a more detailed explanation of what's going on, but that would require way too many examples, and too much time. I'm posting this problem here because of the Objectivist view on communication, and how important it is. If anyone has been in a similar situation, or has some advice to offer me, please do so. I'd appreciate more than you'd think. And I apologize if this topic is not appropriate for this board, which is why I put in it in the Misc. section. Thank you.

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I can sympathize with your situation since I have been in a similar spot myself. I'm not the most talkative person so I did develop some techniques to aid me in keeping a phone line alive.

Keep note of interesting things that have happened to you since the last time you talked. These little details help to make your presence real to your girlfriend, that is, they give her insight into your daily life. This is just as important as discussing the important things in life. My then-girlfriend (now-wife B) ) would sometimes spend an hour telling me about what the cats had done that day. It doesn't seem like much at the time but after the phone conversation, it helped me to picture what was going on in her life so far away from me. Jot these tidbits down on a notepad if you have trouble thinking of things to say. Give yourself material for conversation so that should silence arise, you have a way to end it.

Pay special attention to what she values most and think of ways to make a conversation out of them. Even if you care deeply about someone, it's not hard for conversations to become routine. But a person's deepest values are almost always interesting conversation subjects.

Think of personal history types of questions: where did you go to school? What was your high school experience like? Were you a nerd, a burnout, a prep? What actors did you have a crush on as you were growing up? They don't have to be deep questions. You can often enter a value-oriented conversation through silly questions.

Most of all, be a good listener and express your interest! If she feels like she is talking to herself, she will surely stop talking. Phone conversations can be a great medium through which to get to know someone. It's your voice and her voice with nothing in between. Used properly, you can create deep roots for a future relationship.

I hope that helps and best wishes to you!

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Intresca,

I am in the exact same situation you are in at the present moment, in regard to having a seriously long distance relationship. (I'm in Canada, he's in Australia :S!!)

I think that yes, long distances can make things difficult, because there are times you don't want to talk, but just hold them....

But that doesn't mean a great relationship can't be done long distance. It just takes a lot of work.

I think there are more things in the world to talk about than anyone could have time for. It depends on how much time you spend thinking about things, or what interests you.

I think that how well you "click" together keeps a flow of convo going. By "click", I mean, psychological visibility. ( That is when you are seen by that other person for who you really are, you are percieved correctly. They "get", understand you. Your sense of life is similar ect...)

When you have that, there is no limit to what you can talk about. My fiance and I have (almost) literally talked about everything.

Do you ever share your thoughts about the events of the day, or thoughts about your past? Of people you know or your dreams? Communication is absolutely essential besides self-esteem for the core of a solid relationship.

I had a relationship where my boyfriend and I literally sat in silence while riding in his jeep. It was so uncomfortable! :S!! We obviously weren't in tune with eachother value or intellectual wise.

There are also many other factors that could be contributing. Like fear of truly revealing oneself to the other,for whatever reason. Or mabye the distance is getting to you and it's resulting in eventual fading.

I know that the distance between me and mine gets to me,but I think of how much I love him,and our future together, and I tell myself that a little bit of waiting is worth a lifetime of love.

In recognizing this, I wish you the best of luck, it may be bittersweet for a while, but it's damn worth it!

~~Carrie

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