Getting over ex and her sex

[Maximus]

Well, at least we know you start the day fresh and squeaky clean, Jennifer! I'm addicted to coffee and tobacco - because I enjoy them.

The porn/sex obsession can be overcome. You need to replace it with something of positive benefit that holds your interest.

[bluecherry]

Your ex is a mixed case. She has things you do like - and you really like a lot the things you did like - and things you do not like. She’s smart, pretty, funny, and skilled and passionate in bed it sounds like. She also shares some interests you are passionate about that you got her interested and involved in. But she’s also promiscuous, doesn’t seem to be thinking to be too careful about looking out for herself (based on the thing about leaving with strangers, especially when she didn’t have her wits entirely about her), took you for granted it sounds like and maybe was a bit manipulative even with how she would just seem to not appreciate much what you did to aid her, but insist on much more gratitude from you when she did something to aid you.

You say she didn’t make evident for quite a long while all the bad things about her. Some of the things from her past might have been ok to forgive if she’d changed her mind since then and decided they weren’t ok, but clearly what you’ve said about what she did after you left says she hasn’t changed her mind on those things. I think part of the problem here is you may be stuck on that idea and experience of her you had for so long before you found out the bad things. You want what you thought she was for so long. If you’ve read Atlas Shrugged, [spoilers here if you haven’t] think about Hank’s relationship with his wife Lillian. He was given an impression of her early on that was very different from what she turned out to be, but he felt like he couldn’t just give her up for a long time because of that image she gave him to begin with. [/spoilers] What you wanted is not bad, what you got was. The hard thing can be realizing that what you wanted and even thought you had for so long never really existed. It can be difficult and you can be very stubborn about giving up the actual bad thing when you still think of that nice image you had in association with the actual bad thing. That may be part of the task here, to accept that you never did have that good thing you thought you did and that you always had the bad thing you saw in the end, to realize in that way that it was always a bad relationship built on dishonesty giving you false hope and thus stop missing what you think was any good part worth missing.

The things you did like about her though out of this mixed case, like her intelligence and such, aren’t things you can’t get in others though who won’t also come packages up with the substantial bad aspects she had. Until and unless you can get what needs and desires the old girl fulfilled sufficiently covered it isn’t surprising you’d still think of her and miss those things at least occasionally even though you know there’s plenty of bad that outweighs the good overall in the end. You have somebody else new now. You say she’s much better. Nobody else is ever really quite like anybody else exactly, so there may be some ways in which the good parts of your old girlfriend were better for you than the new one perhaps and that’s why you may still think of that illusory good version of your old girlfriend fondly at times. The things you said you liked so much about your old girlfriend though sound like things you could work on with your new one to make it better and so you stop feeling deprived and missing the old girl quite so much. The new girl is pretty too like the old one. Is there anything about the new one that could be changed that you’d like better on her that she could like too, like maybe changing the cut or color of her hair or if she dresses pretty frumpily getting her some new clothing? Can the new girl keep up with you in intellectual matters as well as the old one? If not, maybe she’s just not as informed and with that drive to succeed she has maybe you just need to expose her to more educational materials she can check out to catch up with you in that area. If you aren’t having as enjoyable of a sexual relationship with the new girl as the old, discuss what could be improved and try to work on that without getting too far out of her comfort zone. Maybe you two have a much more monotonous sort of routine going on and you need to try to be more spontaneous or maybe this girl is inexperienced and doesn’t have the same knowledge base to have learned about anatomy and in practice what will tend to get what kind of responses from men like the old girl I’m sure had plenty of experience to learn from. Also, the old girl you were probably with for a longer time and she had more opportunity to get to know you and what you’d like, so maybe just over time with trial and error the new girl could improve on this too as long as you don’t try to hide the truth from her. Have you tried getting the new girl introduced to the fitness interests you have like you did with the old one and see if she would be interested too? If that is not something she’d be as intrigued by, see what other kinds of interests can you find to share. As for the humor though, making somebody funnier is hard to do and I can’t really suggest anything on that. XD

[Matt]

bluecherry thank you so much, i will read and re-read the post you made many times untill its clear in my mind. Im entirely thankful for your post and showing kindness for taking the time to write it, i hope i can contribute something for you in the future. I'd already got my new gf to change her look a bit and she has even read the fountain head, virtue of selfishness and atlas shrugged to join me in my quest to become an objectivist. I know im not treating my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, i need to show her more love... its as if my ex's bad habits have rubbed off on me... You are right that i was unconcious and avoided reality in the sense that i chose to ignore things like her having a kid (how ridiculous is that) and the poor choice of the father of her son. I do miss her deeply, but fact is she was easy... and if it wasnt me it would of been someone else. I just need to realise that.

[Matt]

I dont know if its worth adding that before i met her i made some wrong choices sexually but i realised i dont want to be a man whore, and had stopped since. It was the permanency of her choices and the fact she act like a slut after her son was born.

[bluecherry]

You're quite welcome. If you would like to do something else for me, maybe you could take a look at my thread on my own relationship issue a little lower down in the forum? :3 I could use some more replies on there still. (If you do go to give it a look over, don't worry about the huge first post, by now the nature of the issue has changed over time so that now I'm looking for answers from people who have been able to romantically love non-Objectivists about how they deal with that issue in both their view of that person and in their practical ability to function day to day with them in such an intimate involvement.)

Ah, the post I made wasn't clear in its meaning to you? I know I've got some communication troubles that make it hard for others to quite understand me sometimes (working on that slowly), so if there are any areas in particular that you are not very clear on what I was trying to say, do mention it and I will try to clarify.

Speaking of things rubbing off, maybe if you think you want to avoid repeating any bad habits you think you may have picked up from that past relationship, try to make a list of what your old girlfriend did (or maybe don't do) that made you feel unappreciated and under-valued. Keep the list someplace safe so you can have it as a reminder of things to try keep in mind to make sure you treat your new mate properly unlike how your last one treated you.

[intellectualammo]

i still masterbate to thoughts of my ex and miss having sex with her and i found her very attractive.

My ex-wife was attractive and like one of the coolest sexual partners that I had ever experienced, because she could have multiple orgasms, was into anything sexually that I was, could go for hours without whining, etc. but as soon as she crossed me, I devalued her right then and there, which is very easy for a person like me with a narcissistic personality to do, and sought a divorce. I think that it is possible (which is not in my case) to be still physically attracted to the ex, even though they did what they did, isn't that somewhat natural though? I can still say that my ex is pretty still and all, but I wouldn't masturbate to thoughts of her, no matter how good she was or attractive sexually, because she was way more than just that to me. Once I devalued her, the rest of her was pretty much devalued as well. I could never even think of sexually pleasing such a woman again, though she's pretty and one of the best I was with. I couldn't make a sort of dichotomy between her and her body, since they were one to me. I told her the same moment she told me somethings, that I could not love her anymore, could not call her my wife, and I was seeking divorce. She cried endlessly that whole weekend. Not one teardrop fell from my sk(eyes.

If your mind wonders to a place you don't want it to go, stop, and go back to Jessica.

Well, if one doesn't want to go to back to a Jessica...

one may enjoy what I have been enjoying since 6-16-09. It's better than masturbation, and when you look at one of these, you won't need to think of someone else, you'll be too busy looking at them. I'm speaking of women from the artificial human race, as I refer to them as, or artificial human companions, as I also refer to them. These are silicone based artificial humans and are anatomically correct. Anyone hear of RealDolls, Private Island Beauties, Boy Toys, Real Solid Sex Dolls, Japanese Love Dolls? This is exactly what I am talking about. I own one myself, the date I listed was when she moved in with me. I could go on endlessly about these artificial women, but perhaps the poster may consider purchasing one of these. Might end all thoughts of your ex during masturbation if that is what you are seeking, but I do not consider it masturbation, but making love to an artificial woman. Mine has changed my life, and I have another one moving in with me very soon, just made arrangement for her to last week. I have written elsewhere extensively about this, but I'd rather not fray up this thread all about it here. I do not think of any, as we call them in the doll community subculture, Real Girls(RGs), when I am making love to mine. When I make love to her, I make love to her. This is what I did with RGs when I was with them. It very interesting when you find out all the various reasons why people own these. Of course my reasoning stands apart, but that is different story. Mine is for companionship mainly, someone I can talk to, read with, like what we are reading now, Plath's unabridged journals. I don't have to worry or feel bad later about hurting others, or others hurting me. There is no arguing, yelling, screaming in our relationship - just cuddling and loving. Just like in the movie that features a RealDoll named Bianca, Lars and the Real Girl, Lars said god made her to help people. Well, that's not factually accurate, for Matt made her at Abyss Creations not god, but he is godlike though... But maybe one could help you? I don't know. Just putting it out there.

This might be a good question to ask Dr. Leonard Peikoff if he still does his podcasts, I don't know if he stil does, I'm too involved in the Doll World, not so much the O'world right now, so I don't know. Ask him for comments about your topic.

[Matt]

intellectualammo, thanks for your post although im not sure that it would be healthy to make love to a doll as you cant make love to someone who is unconcious, not human... just my opinion though, im open to being corrected

[TomL]

Almost all romantic relationships that end, do so in similar way. There must have been _some_ shared values, or you wouldn't have been together in the first place. But as you learned more about her, you realized that there was more to her character than the traits you were initially attracted to.

It's easy not to think of someone as the target of your sexual desire if you don't drop the context of what it is you discovered later.

I have also found, in my own recent experiences, that you really don't know someone completely until you see how they handle a crisis, especially if they caused the crisis themselves.

Also, some things are much harder to see and detect than others. Some things take years of context to be able to figure out, especially if the other person is evading it as hard as they can.

[dan_edge]

Matt,

I wrote an article a while back that may shed light on your situation: "Demoting" a Relationship.

--Dan Edge