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Huge problem - My life and My ex are on a collision course

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I have been away from training MMA (mixed martial arts) for over a year because of surgery for an injury. Im very passionate about training (ever since i was a little boy i wanted to be a world champion) but in that time my club has moved to a venue where my ex goes to the gym. She is a very sly person and i know that since she is already friends with the gym staff she will spread rumours about me to the people who train MMA at this new venue and possibly get into relationships with the people i'd be training with. In all honesty despite the new venue and facilities looking fantastic, confronting my ex has put me off returning to the club and it will probably be atleast another year untill im mentally prepared to go back if at all. I know deep inside there will be a reaction to seeing her in the gym as i go into class and perhaps she's even taking the class too. I very much want to avoid confrontation but if i go back it'll be inevitable. By the way this MMA club is the best in Europe and theres not many others around, not that are local and definitely not that are anywhere near as good as this one.

Please help

Matt

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If this MMA venue is the best and only one around, and your ex has taken root there, then confrontation is inevitable. Whether you start training there today or a year from now, she will be there and there will be confrontation.

I cannot pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but my advice to you is to simply get it over with. You have come closer to fulfilling your dreams than many ever will, and it took a devastating injury to stop you, and even that was only temporary! As malicious or slanderous your ex may be, I doubt that she has the same physical capabilities as the injury. Obstacles like her line the path to your goal. With the dertermination you have already shown thus far, I have no doubt in my mind that you can rise above them.

When you confront her, inform her that you only wish to train, and inform her of this every time she is confrontational or spreads rumors. If she does spread rumors and some believe them, good riddance to them! Chances are, not everyone at the venue will believe everything she says, and you may even make friends with some of those honorable people who decided to know you through yourself rather your ex!

May you have the best of luck!

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It's best not to jump to conclusions about her behavior before you've even started training again, or seen her. If you see her again, be polite, formal and brief. If you ever find out that a bad rumor is spreading about you, remember that you already have a good reputation with your MMA group. If someone asks, then explain simply that she is your ex. In the meantime, stop awfulizing and remember that you have a dream to pursue, and no one, not even your ex, can stop you.

I had a good friend who turned bad, and we kept mutual friends -- when I see him, I simply ignore him after I give him a polite nod. After a while, it's hard to remember that he even exists. Meanwhile, he is digging himself a hole with our mutual friends. If your ex is as horrible as you say, give credit to others that they will make the same evaluation in due course.

Now go to the gym and find out what's what, and hold your evaluation.

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Be who you are. False rumors won't stick with people if the real you is there to disprove them by example. And the types of people who will prefer to believe false rumors? You don't need to worry about what they think anyway.

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Be who you are. False rumors won't stick with people if the real you is there to disprove them by example. And the types of people who will prefer to believe false rumors? You don't need to worry about what they think anyway.

I second Greebo

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You'll never be World Champion with a defeatist attitude like that. Piss on her, go anyway. Or, give up and never realize your desire. In order to be World Champion, at MMA or anything else, you need to focus like a laser on your goal.

This is true. I really dont particularly like the people who train there, a lot of the guys who go there are those who like to fight for fighting sake and for no real virtue other than enjoying violence. So i'm already alienated from the group and very reserved when i went there. If she is going to shit stir and make me feel awkward i know it will test my character when im already perhaps insecure of how others view me as im already an outcast as i dont share the same mentality as the others. I want to realise my dream more than anything and it is something i ought to do. I would like to know how i can strengthen my character to be able to cope with this. By the way... Maximus was a bad mother f*****

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I would like to know how i can strengthen my character to be able to cope with this.

Use all of these negative things you see to your advantage. Go to this gym because you know it's the place you should be. Focus on the fact that it's where you should be when you're thinking about all of the issues that might come up. A possible example:

"It sucks that my ex is gonna have to deal with seeing me at the gym while I kick ass and take names. I almost feel bad that she has to be a first-hand witness to how awesome I am after we've broken up."

Obviously I'm being sarcastic cause that's kind of a lame way to say it, but you get the idea.

I'm not sure if you've read The Fountainhead or not, but if you have, think of how Howard Roark handled the obstacles that got in his way when he was designing a building. He recognized the obstacles but never thought of letting them stop him. They were just one other problem to solve in his design.

Think of all of this as just another part of your training. I don't know anything about MMA but I assume you do workouts. Would you just not do a workout because it seemed too hard? My guess is you'd work up to it until you could handle it with no problem. This is no different. If you need to be there for a shorter amount of time than you would normally because things are bothering you, do that for a while but be sure to go for longer the next time or whenever until you work up to being there as long as you want (again, possibly a bad example due to my ignorance of MMA).

If you really want to do this then do it. Don't even entertain alternatives.

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Use all of these negative things you see to your advantage. Go to this gym because you know it's the place you should be. Focus on the fact that it's where you should be when you're thinking about all of the issues that might come up. A possible example:

"It sucks that my ex is gonna have to deal with seeing me at the gym while I kick ass and take names. I almost feel bad that she has to be a first-hand witness to how awesome I am after we've broken up."

[...]

I say don't. This line of thinking is bad because it will make him focus on her. That's not a good way to put her where she belongs - in the past. It's second-handish, to put in terms of The Fountainhead.

Instead focus on the positive things you get from the training, on how awesome it is to "kick ass and take names". You are there to pursue your values, try not to let other things distract you from that.

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