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A candid introduction and an entreat for counsel.

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I am knew to this forum (I signed up some time last week) and have yet to formally introduce myself; so I thought that now would be the appropriate time to do so. (I am posting this introduction in the psychology section because I also intend to disclose some personal hardships with which I have been struggling.)

My name is Nicholas, but feel free to call me Nick. I am a nineteen-year-old college student--studying political science--from Miami, Florida. I am not a terribly exciting person, at least not by prevailing standards; I enjoy reading, writing, and weightlifting. I dislike clubs, parties, and ostentation. I am not anti-social, I simply prefer to socialize with those with whom I am famliar and comfortable. In other words, I am the quiet type. :D

For years now I have been consumed by this inexorable, unavoidable philosophical crisis (that is the only way I can possibly describe it). It would be serviceable at this point to enumerate some antecedents which I believe are of relevance. I am the child of a very dysfunctional family. There was never any physical abuse, but my mother and I were subjected to continual emotional abuse and disparagement at the hands of my mother's husband and his parents--my the people in question are indeed my father and grandparents, but I am loath to refer to them as such. Not surprisingly, the constant dysfuntion had a very harmful effect on me. Late in elementary school I began to act out (I was disobedient, inattentive, disruptive, and angry). I was subsequently expelled from school and put on a very heavy regimen of psychiatric drugs (read antidepressants). To make a long story short I remained on those pills for almost a decade. When I finally--per doctor's approval--ceased to take the medication, nothing odd seemed to occur, at least not initially. Gradually, however, I began to feel increasingly more and more angry and embittered. I realized that nothing in my life had actually changed; it was the same unsatisfactory, albeit more bearable life, as before, only now I wasn't being drugged into believing otherwise. To put it quite simply, I felt as if I had been deceived my entire life. (And I still harbor this same sentiment.)

This brings me to the aforesaid philosophical crisis. Within a few months of being free of medication I began to contemplate deep questions, such as what is the nature of reality and existence and how is it that we know. And that is essentially where I am today. The questions are more diverse, but they are ultimately reducible to those fundamental inquiries (namely, what is it, why is it, and how do I know it?).

In all aspects of my life these questions are present. Perhaps they are not in the forefront of my mind, but they are there as an undertone, spoiling each and every one of my experiences. I have alienated many people, I find it hard to connect on an emotional level, life for me holds no real enjoyment and I feel this perpetual sense of uncertainty. Uncertainty about what life is, why it is, and about how I am to live mine.

I like to think that this crisis is a result of nearly two-decades of emotional abuse and neglect. Indeed, I reminisce daily about those painful childhood days. I often suspect that I was so mishandled by my parents that I am no longer capable of taking any pleasure in life. Perhaps nearly ten years of unremitting subjection to powerful psychiatric drugs has prompted serious physical damage to my brain, and that this, coupled with the even greater emotion abuse that I endured, has quite literally made me incapable of attaining a life worth living.

In any case, I have rambled long enough. If anyone has any advice or words of inspiration, I would love for them to share. I kind of need it.

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Hello Nicholas. A few thoughts; I hope they're of some help.

There's nothing wrong with contemplating deep questions, such as the nature of existence and how we know. Quite the contrary, that's a reflection of your (and mine, and everyone else's) need of philosophy, something you seem to be quite aware of already, to your credit.

My own suggestion, if you haven't already, would be to read Miss Rand's fiction, all of them: Anthem, We the Living, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, even her short stories. Fiction, unlike a philosophical treatise, helps to show (versus explain) the importance of philosophical ideas, their consequences in the lives of individuals. Plus, you'll find her works to be inspirational. You'll be like the young boy on the bicycle who finds Howard Roark sitting on a hillside. (You'll have to read The Foundhead to know what I'm talking about.)

After, or while, you're reading her fiction, I'd suggest reading her non-fiction works, such things as her Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology (How we know.) and various essays, such as "Philosophy, Who Needs It" which is available in the book of essays, Philosophy, Who Needs It. (Many of her essays, originally published for periodicals, are now available in various paperback, non-fiction, compilations. Check out the Ayn Rand Institute and the Ayn Rand Bookstore.) I'd also recommend Dr. Leonard Peikoff's book, Objectivism, the Philosophy of Ayn Rand, his systematic presentation of Miss Rand's philosophy of Objectivism.

It is not true that you are no longer capable of taking any pleasure in life, regardless of the fact that it might feel that way now. Emotions are not tools of cognition; they do reflect, however, your own thinking and conclusions. (If you hold the view that you are permanently incapable of ever attaining a life worth living, then you're going to feel that way as well, and that can become self-fulfilling.) In a sense, emotions do not reflect the facts, but what you think, or have concluded, to be the facts -- about the world and yourself, etc.

Dr. Harry Binswanger's talk on "Emotions" might be of some help in understanding emotions. So too, check out Dr. Ellen Kenner's site as well as Dr. Hurd's site. For every emotion, there's a subconscious evaluation (read what Dr. Kenner has to say re emotions and the implicit value-judgements), an evaluation that may be correct or not. Knowing what those evaluations are can help you to discover them in yourself and reflect upon the veracity of your subconsciously help, automatized, value-judgements, and change them if necessary.

Be careful what you tell yourself, what conclusions you draw with respect to yourself and the effect that your past has had upon you. Challenge them; don't let any assessment, especially significant ones, pass without critical reflection and judgement. You're young and you have your life ahead of you. Invest in your own happiness, in pursuing a life that you value. In time, the ugliness of your past will move further and further behind you, replaced with your own joy in your existence. No, such will not change the past; nothing can do that. But it will change your present and your future, and put a new perspective on the past.

I'd also suggest taking a look at the Unofficial Index of Dr. Peikoff's Podcasts. You can browse the index, or your can view it in its entirety using the "Print View" option and then use your browser's search function to look for interesting topics. Then listen to Dr. Peikoff's own comments.

Best wishes.

Edited by Trebor
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Hey buddy I'm your age and in college. I went through something similar, though I have not been on psychiatric drugs. I would rule those out of the matter now, because it is effectively beside the point unless your neurotransmitters are completely off balance. But your problem is deeper than that in any event. I have had similar experiences in my life. I do not socialize regularly with people really, though I do not necessarily view the universe as malevolent. Listen to this lecture by Ayn Rand - and you will realize that what you are experiencing is a cultural disease more than anything - http://atlasshrugged.com/ayn-rand-works/ar-value-deprivation.html . I am also enjoy weightlifting/exercise.

You have to verify every truth in your mind and integrate it into your existing knowledge, or it is meaningless. Thinking is only a tool, and the purpose of knowledge is man's survival. Do not be afraid to stick to your guns (your own mind), because there are loads of people who accept truths on blind faith, and then insist you must believe their truths - in any field anywhere. Even in the top institutions of science there is dogma which some do not even test. I was hung up thinking that there were some professions like medicine where this just absolutely could not happen - though you would be quite surprised at the combinations of people you can find with philosophical errors - like someone just posted about his dad, an otherwise committed physicist who invented some solar panel and who is an incapable husband/dad and completely irrational outside of his 8 hour work day. Do not assume that someone is entirely rational just because they have a science degree or are in some position of authority.

To summarize the link/lecture above - our culture is devoid of inspirational material, and morality we are taught is doing things we do not want to do. I've also greatly enjoyed the work of Richard Mitchell, who's work is available online for free here - http://www.sourcetext.com/grammarian/. He basically critiques the education system, and laughs at all of the psychological lingo and double meanings put behind words by people who like to invent them, and then goes on to use this to explain why people cannot think, i.e. they are not literate. In one of his chapters he talks about how language enables us to think, and how the invention of such and if were far more important than the invention of the word wheel... and then talks about indians and how they have dozens of words for the same family members, and how their language has no I, and how everything in their life happens to them and they are do not get pay raises like some other well adapted indians. He is truly humorous, if you can imagine a college professor with the sense of life of Hunter S. Thompson.

It's been quite a journey in my life, and I know I have broken ground. I used to look for other people's judgments (like Ayn Rand) and try and fit all of my experiences into their own box of judgment, but that did nothing but tire me out. You'll see lots of examples of this on this forum, and I honestly would not look for answers here - more so to discuss if you are inclined. I personally like to draw ideas from all across the board and blend them into my mental goulash that best fits reality.

You are obviously sensitive to these issues, which have nonetheless affected your life, but you cannot be a victim who throws down his tools in front of what you might perceive as a malevolent universe. I used to think in terms of a malevolent universe - but what that really translated to, as you'll see in that Ayn Rand lecture above, is that you think that achieving values in your life is impracticable. Once you think that you are "psychologically spent", to quote her. It's also important to know that your body and mind are an integrated whole. Of course people that are sick will be depressed - so nutrition is huge - I recommend carrot/apple juicing and a nice diet. I was doing bodybuilding and eating like 6k calories a day mostly of meat and found that I could not think clearly because I was eating too much. It takes a lot of energy to digest all of that food all day. Find out what you want to do for work, and do it. You cannot do anything other than work 8 hours a day - you cannot eat or sleep or screw 8 hours during the day. Become highly knowledgeable/useful - learn lots of vocabulary, and do whatever you want to do and can survive/prosper on doing. There are tons of voices saying that certainty is impossible, but those are the people that go home to fat wives, so do not listen to them.

Also some good psychological fuel is the movie, "Les Miserables", which was a novel by Victor Hugo - Ayn Rand's favorite author. This movie reaffirms the benevolent universe premise. Most movies/art today worship the abominable, and think that there is something that can be gotten out of the depravity contest - even authors like Shakespeare were into this - reference Othello's tragic flaw. Romanticism is fairly rare, and bits and pieces can be found, but a lot of it is watered down to the point of having almost no plot.

Edited by MoralParadise
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hmm, you know the longer I live, the more I see the effects of dysfunctional family backgrounds on people - as I saw it with me - even on mature adults.

I'm beginning to think that it's the rule, rather than the exception!

What's worse is that these adults seem to just extend their own 'bad' childhoods through to their own children. It just continues.

I think that somewhere along the line, a maturing person has to decide that "the buck stops here."

And get past it - somehow take charge of his own life. That's easy to say, but can take years of thought, introspection, and behavior-changing, to achieve.

For me, it was all about finding (re-discovering?) value in myself, and building on that. Nothing and nobody was as powerful a help than Nathaniel Branden's literature on Self Esteem.

Also, if it's any help to you, Nick, I had my own very simple little saying I kept telling myself : Psychology is what was 'done' to me; but Philosophy is what I 'do' to myself.

There were things you had no control over, at that time, but that control in choosing your personal, life long values, is in your hands now.

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Hello Nicholas. A few thoughts; I hope they're of some help.

There's nothing wrong with contemplating deep questions, such as the nature of existence and how we know. Quite the contrary, that's a reflection of your (and mine, and everyone else's) need of philosophy, something you seem to be quite aware of already, to your credit.

My own suggestion, if you haven't already, would be to read Miss Rand's fiction, all of them: Anthem, We the Living, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, even her short stories. Fiction, unlike a philosophical treatise, helps to show (versus explain) the importance of philosophical ideas, their consequences in the lives of individuals. Plus, you'll find her works to be inspirational. You'll be like the young boy on the bicycle who finds Howard Roark sitting on a hillside. (You'll have to read The Foundhead to know what I'm talking about.)

After, or while, you're reading her fiction, I'd suggest reading her non-fiction works, such things as her Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology (How we know.) and various essays, such as "Philosophy, Who Needs It" which is available in the book of essays, Philosophy, Who Needs It. (Many of her essays, originally published for periodicals, are now available in various paperback, non-fiction, compilations. Check out the Ayn Rand Institute and the Ayn Rand Bookstore.) I'd also recommend Dr. Leonard Peikoff's book, Objectivism, the Philosophy of Ayn Rand, his systematic presentation of Miss Rand's philosophy of Objectivism.

It is not true that you are no longer capable of taking any pleasure in life, regardless of the fact that it might feel that way now. Emotions are not tools of cognition; they do reflect, however, your own thinking and conclusions. (If you hold the view that you are permanently incapable of ever attaining a life worth living, then you're going to feel that way as well, and that can become self-fulfilling.) In a sense, emotions do not reflect the facts, but what you think, or have concluded, to be the facts -- about the world and yourself, etc.

Dr. Harry Binswanger's talk on "Emotions" might be of some help in understanding emotions. So too, check out Dr. Ellen Kenner's site as well as Dr. Hurd's site. For every emotion, there's a subconscious evaluation (read what Dr. Kenner has to say re emotions and the implicit value-judgements), an evaluation that may be correct or not. Knowing what those evaluations are can help you to discover them in yourself and reflect upon the veracity of your subconsciously help, automatized, value-judgements, and change them if necessary.

Be careful what you tell yourself, what conclusions you draw with respect to yourself and the effect that your past has had upon you. Challenge them; don't let any assessment, especially significant ones, pass without critical reflection and judgement. You're young and you have your life ahead of you. Invest in your own happiness, in pursuing a life that you value. In time, the ugliness of your past will move further and further behind you, replaced with your own joy in your existence. No, such will not change the past; nothing can do that. But it will change your present and your future, and put a new perspective on the past.

I'd also suggest taking a look at the Unofficial Index of Dr. Peikoff's Podcasts. You can browse the index, or your can view it in its entirety using the "Print View" option and then use your browser's search function to look for interesting topics. Then listen to Dr. Peikoff's own comments.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for your warm response, Trebor. I have read much of Miss Rand's works (The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, For The New Intellectual, and The Virtue of Selfishness), and I have indeed found great inspiration in them. I know what you mean by the youth in The Fountainhead, by the way. When I read that part of the book, I couldn't help but think that Rand was addressing me personally. (There is a similar character character in Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, but I digress). Objectivism consoles me very much: it lets me know that, although I do not know the answers, I am capable of finding them out.

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hmm, you know the longer I live, the more I see the effects of dysfunctional family backgrounds on people - as I saw it with me - even on mature adults.

I'm beginning to think that it's the rule, rather than the exception!

What's worse is that these adults seem to just extend their own 'bad' childhoods through to their own children. It just continues.

I think that somewhere along the line, a maturing person has to decide that "the buck stops here."

And get past it - somehow take charge of his own life. That's easy to say, but can take years of thought, introspection, and behavior-changing, to achieve.

For me, it was all about finding (re-discovering?) value in myself, and building on that. Nothing and nobody was as powerful a help than Nathaniel Branden's literature on Self Esteem.

Also, if it's any help to you, Nick, I had my own very simple little saying I kept telling myself : Psychology is what was 'done' to me; but Philosophy is what I 'do' to myself.

There were things you had no control over, at that time, but that control in choosing your personal, life long values, is in your hands now.

Thank you for the suggestions, whYNOT. I completely agree with your assessment of adults. They seem to have no trouble in shattering the lives of their children.

Salman Rushdie, one of my favorite writers, once wrote the following on this issue:

"Children are the vessel into which adults pour their poison."

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  • 4 months later...

Hi,

Thanks for your openness about your painful childhood and your struggles.

I too am from one of those very difficult families and I consequently struggled for years with Social Anxiety, OCD and other problems.

It is really great to be intellectual (I am glad to be so, and am glad you are so), but the intellectual alone will not help you with the malaise you are describing.

You want to explore simple spirituality (pick the version that you like-- that resonates with you personally) and things like 12 Step programs, as well as self-help and therapy.

It's a journey, not a quick fix, but it can really help in the long run (and you can still remain an intellectual, but remember to reserve some space to work at a more simple and basic emotional and spiritual level, in order to allow healing and release from your longstanding suffering).

Oh by the way, it was not clear in your post whether you are merely introverted by nature, or whether you actually have Social Anxiety problems as the result of your childhood abuse-- but in case you (like me) also have social anxiety, here is a wonderful resource for that-- Social Anxiety Anonymous (a nonprofit) has free telephone conference call support and recovery groups for overcoming social anxiety.

Very helpful, at least for me.

Best, CT (Mostly)

Thank you for the suggestions, whYNOT. I completely agree with your assessment of adults. They seem to have no trouble in shattering the lives of their children.

Salman Rushdie, one of my favorite writers, once wrote the following on this issue:

"Children are the vessel into which adults pour their poison."

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  • 3 months later...

I believe you have to identify the "messages" about yourself, life, the world of people, etc. that you were given by the abusive "parents." You need to be able to put into words how you felt about yourself and the world due to their oppressive treatment.

Then you need to become very sensitive to when the feelings that those impressions arouse are current. That takes some days of paying attention to your innermost feelings. Just because those attitudes and feelings have become nearly constant, and very familiar, don't assume they are easily noticed.

When you are noticing the feelings, add a conscious identification that this feeling is due to how "Father," etc., treated me. He made me feel...

When you can do this, you are on the road to isolating and disintegrating the low self-esteem, discouragement, anger, etc. that your up-bringing tragically loaded on you. Keep noticing the emotions, and annotating them to yourself, "I feel this way because grandfather would..." You should probably start the day with this, and repeat it any time your mood goes south for no good reason.

It takes quite specific identifications of how you were treated--what message you found in it--what emotions/moods/attitudes you commonly experience that are due to this, to make the process I'm describing realistic and effective.

What happens is you isolate the unsound emotions, you recognize their cause, and you see, logically, that it isn't about you at all.

Best wishes in your struggle with this.

Mindy

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