Getting Divorced or Not

[John Q. Public]

Hello,

I have been contemplating whether to remain in my marriage or get divorced. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. We have three children, the youngest of which is 17.

For the last five years or so, I have noticed that my wife and I have developed a competitive relationship, we are generally independent and don't do a lot together, don't seem to have a common objective, and we each have our little "scripts" wired into our heads that can trigger arguments between us.

I think we are also captured in a state of viewing each other a bit negatively. By that, I mean I think we have internalized the idea that the other person is in some sense an enemy, and so everything that person does is viewed with some measure of distrust, scorn or contempt.

We aren't really passionate for each other anymore. Sex is mostly routine. We only have sex once a month or so.

I think that with work, our marriage could be rejuvenated, but I'm not sure. I suspect it's a matter of my wife and I really making our marriage a priority, spending much more time together, and doing little things for each other to express love, rather than talking about what we're not getting from the marriage.

One of my dilemmas, though, is whether I even want to rejuvenate the marriage or whether I'd be happier with someone else. I think I would be happier, over the long run, with a partner that with which I had more in common, in terms of interests.

A second dilemma regards concern for my wife's welfare if we were to divorce. I believe that people have to take responsibility for their own happiness, but at the same time, I struggle with the idea of leaving her after all these years. I don't know if I'm not giving her enough credit, if I have a debt to her that I haven't recognized, or if I'm just wrongly taking responsibility for her welfare where I really should not be.

I have been wrestling with this for several months and would be grateful for any advice people wish to offer.

[dream_weaver]

Have you set your thought on paper to help organize them?

Take a piece of paper, and on one side, draw a gingerbread figure with a happy face. On the reverse side of the same paper, draw a scowling face.

On the happy face, list out the traits you find (found) attractive.

On the scowling side, list out the traits you find less appealing.

Part of this is to understand that all of this is on one sheet of paper. As an individual, we may have both traits. Understand that accepting one, you are also accepting the other side at the same time.

This could be benificial in assisting you in putting things into perspective.

(edited for grammerical and spelling error)

Edited April 26, 2010 by dream_weaver

[John Q. Public]

Have you set your thought on paper to help organize them?

Take a piece of paper, and on one side, draw a gingerbread figure with a happy face. On the reverse side of the same paper, draw a scowling face.

On the happy face, list out the traits you find (found) attractive.

On the scowling side, list out the traits you find less appealing.

Part of this is to understand that all of this is on one sheet of paper. As an individual, we may have both traits. Understand that accepting one, you are also accepting the other side at the same time.

This could be benificial in assisting you in putting things into perspective.

(edited for grammerical and spelling error)

I'm grateful for the concrete advice.

I have done some analysis on paper. I wrote what I call a "story line," which was helpful. My wife and I even talked it over, and it improved communication by doing it.

I should mention we are also seeing a marriage counselor. I like the approach she is using.

Tonight, based on your suggestions, we played the "trait" game, where my wife and I took turns describing six traits of our own, and how the other person described them. It was helpful. I'd like to dig into the traits and kind of clarify the meaning and talk about them. I don't know if my wife will want to do too much of that and I don't think it's productive to push her on this topic. My own blind spot, I suppose, is perhaps wanting to dig too deeply into such things. Maybe that's an indication of a mis-match in terms of our likes / dislikes.

I'll be looking over that list of traits and trying to keep in mind that I can't pick and choose only the desirable ones.

I guess I'm still wondering, though. Is it possible to amplify one's passion for another person? Thinking out loud, if a person changes in ways that one sees as desirable, then one's passion for that person is increased. If we could break the negative feedback loop I think we are caught in, could it really be replaced with a positive feedback loop? Would this really revive my passion for my wife, or am I just fooling myself?

[Greebo]

I'm not qualified to comment beyond the advice to see a marriage counselor - so I just wanted to wish you luck.

I *suspect* that if you and your wife can rediscover the shared values you hold that you will see an improvement all around. But that assumes you still hold shared values.

[Maximus]

A successful marriage takes work, and a willingness on the part of both parties to cooperate. You had shared values at one time, you need to rediscover that which attracted you to each other to begin with. I'd do as Greebo suggests and see a marriage counselor. Divorce should only ever be a last resort.

[Trebor]

I should mention we are also seeing a marriage counselor. I like the approach she is using.

You might find some helpful information or advice from Dr. Ellen Kenner or Dr. Michael J. Hurd.

If you two are seeing a marriage counselor, then to some extent you both think that the marriage is worth fighting for and saving.

Best wishes to you both through this difficult time.

[VcatoV]

I myself am not married, so I can not speak from personal experience. My father, however, is currently going through the process of a divorce. I can tell you, from a child's perspective (the first divorce was between my father and mother when I was 6. This second is between him and my step-mother, a 17 year marriage) that divorce is a very difficult concept to grasp. Especially the younger they are, children form a worldly conception of love from their parents; your marriage, in effect, is a real-world representation of the abstraction "love". To see that and have that in your mind is a very powerful thing. The loss, then, of the physical manifestation of love can be very damaging to a child.

At the same time, the child wants (or will want when they mature) what is best for their parents. It took me a long time to realize that my father divorcing my mother was a good thing, in that his pursuance of his own self-interest would in the long-run be what I wanted of him. The last thing your child wants is for you to be forced to be unhappy.

I think the best approach is just to be honest and open, even about things like the counseling. More importantly, give it your all to revitalize your relationship. Everybody has their slumps-every relationship its ups and downs. From your children's perspective, you being gone a few times a week to a counselor or lawyer, but then just living life like normal (sitting down and watching TV, doing the usual routine) send off the message that the relationship, or the concept (love), is not worth fighting for. Try and be romantic, change things up, go out on dates, devote your life and soul to it. Even if it turns out that none of this works, and that divorce is the best route to take, your children will be grateful and better off from the example you would have set.

[John Q. Public]

You might find some helpful information or advice from Dr. Ellen Kenner or Dr. Michael J. Hurd.

If you two are seeing a marriage counselor, then to some extent you both think that the marriage is worth fighting for and saving.

Best wishes to you both through this difficult time.

I appreciate the references to Dr. Kenner and Dr. Hurd. I'm checking out both of them. I like Dr. Kenner's site. I haven't yet visited Dr. Hurd's.

I'm also grateful for the advice that has been offerred. This isn't something I take lightly.