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I think I stick pretty much by the book, understand and hold a good philosophy, and live a good life. However, I have a ex-fiancé whom I had my one and only ever self sacrificial relationship with. Needless to say it didn't work. I was devastated and much of what I went through is what lead me to reevaluate my moral and ethical compass toward a rationally selfish ideal. My problem is every time my ex is around I crumble... I lose all self esteem, self respect, and I end up as this broken heep of a jealous man and it devastates me for weeks. What is even worse is that we still causally maintain our sex lives and have so for 4 years. I can't seem to understand why I am so irrational with this and how I can fix it. Any advice?

Edited by LandonWalsh
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Just to be clear, since although you probably have thought of this before, you didn't specify it in your post - is there any reason in particular you can't just steer clear of this lady? I know just avoiding her doesn't fix the underlying problem, but if you could stop being around her it would probably make things easier while you did try to work out the actual issue. I expect your actual problem is probably pretty complicated in what lead to it in the first place and involves a whole lot of specifics about that relationship and the two of you and so on and so fourth, so I'm not going to begin to guess I have any of this understood well enough to try to say much more based on just that first post right now.

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I don't have tons of experience but all I can suggest is that you reason through why it is not good for you and why you are a solid person and make sure the reasoning is rock solid; then, never let it slide a bit. You'll want to revert back but giving in in the slightest unravels your progress very quickly. When you are in the scenarios near her consciously focus on your reasoning and perception to make sure that it is accurate and remind yourself of how she is no better than before and of where it led.

In summary, reaffirm your self worth and never let it go and make sure you see clearly at all times so that you don't get lulled into complacency.

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Don't hang around your ex.

Problem solved! :)

Maybe it's not so easy. Not when she is the most exciting experience you've ever known - and the thrill of it, and the resulting sublime intimacy, spirals into an addiction.

I can't make a call about this woman since I don't know nearly enough about her.

I can only relate my own similar situation 6 years ago. This was a woman who knew all my buttons. Demanding as hell, and (beneath an incredible charm), as cold as ice. I hadn't experienced jealousy ever since my 20's - but she did it.

There is an old Jim Croce song that comes close: ...."and for every time that we spent laughing, there were two times that I cried.

You were trying to make me your martyr - that's one thing I just couldn't do; oh baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you."

In my case, and I must emphasize this, in my case, I have no doubt I was dealing with a fully developed narcissist - and I provided what the psychologists call her "Narcissistic Supply".

Anyhow, 2 years in, followed by 2 more getting out.

Landon, IF this rings loud and clear,( and even if she just isn't good for your sense of self), I'd suggest running - no matter how much it hurts for now.

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Maybe it's not so easy. Not when she is the most exciting experience you've ever known - and the thrill of it, and the resulting sublime intimacy, spirals into an addiction.

I can't make a call about this woman since I don't know nearly enough about her.

I can only relate my own similar situation 6 years ago. This was a woman who knew all my buttons. Demanding as hell, and (beneath an incredible charm), as cold as ice. I hadn't experienced jealousy ever since my 20's - but she did it.

There is an old Jim Croce song that comes close: ...."and for every time that we spent laughing, there were two times that I cried.

You were trying to make me your martyr - that's one thing I just couldn't do; oh baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you."

In my case, and I must emphasize this, in my case, I have no doubt I was dealing with a fully developed narcissist - and I provided what the psychologists call her "Narcissistic Supply".

Anyhow, 2 years in, followed by 2 more getting out.

Landon, IF this rings loud and clear,( and even if she just isn't good for your sense of self), I'd suggest running - no matter how much it hurts for now.

That sounds Identical to my issue, even more so a problem because a long time ago she was the reason I had gained alot of self esteem and was also my first for everything. She is the only girl ive ever been jealous about. I took MMA and got good at it for the sole reason of hurting anyone who touched her.

On the bright side. I just met someone last night who impressed me alot. A 25 year old Ball Room dance instructor who loves studying Greek history and mythology and has the most beautiful bedroom eyes Ive every seen.

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You realize this is sick — don't you?

I interpreted it as meaning "anyone who touched her meaning harm" instead of "anyone who touched her out of sexual interest", but I might have been giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think there's anything irrational about getting stronger to be able to protect your loved ones, but doing it in order to control/possess them is definitely a no-no.

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You realize this is sick — don't you?

I do. Thats why I posted it. I was a dog. But she had shit friends. Druggies, alcoholics, and punks. I became a guard dog, but I never had realized that she really was one of them and I was the only one out of place.

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I do. Thats why I posted it. I was a dog. But she had shit friends. Druggies, alcoholics, and punks. I became a guard dog, but I never had realized that she really was one of them and I was the only one out of place.

That's a whole lot of justification going on.

To make this very clear, merely to feel jealous for a woman is not the total criterion. But that type of woman who deliberately, overtly or subtley, encourages your insecurity, is the one to run from. I don't fully understand it, but it seems that some men and women need to cause pain, and need to feed off others' self-worth.

Objectivists prize their self-worth, more than most - and the first signs that anyone close to you does not value you and undermines your sense of Self, are the warning of more to come. The illustration from my life ( I hope) goes to show how easily it can happen.

.

Landon, in the last resort, it is for each of us to own up to ourselves for such errors - to understand them, and to make the effort to correct our conscious and sub-conscious premises. Ultimately, I believe, we get what we feel we deserve.

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I told her today that I just want to be friends and that I dont want to hang out that much anymore. She told me ok, then she told me that she wanted one of my buddies. That was the nail in her coffin right there. I've been listening to this awesome song since: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aq7_Gc3o_TU

Edited by LandonWalsh
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