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A Day at the Univeristy

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thewarrant

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An explosion of light and sound shatters the dark nothing of sleep. I squint at the glowing pinpricks of light, at the fuzzy circles drifting like infant planets. After I silence my alarm and put on my glasses, the smudges collide, forming new shapes, and I realize where I am... Earth.

I hop from my bunk into the primordial chaos of my room, sidestepping the bubbling puddle of my prokaryotic roommate, Bob. He won’t attend class today. In fact, he won’t do much at all for a while. All he ever wants is sex, which - sadly - is a lone operation in his monocellular book. Needless to say, I won’t be returning to the room until he’s evolved a little.

Once in the humid jungle of the quad, I walk by some of the most disgusting insects imaginable. Many of the slimy creatures that I sidestep are carriers of deadly diseases, and you’d swear that they had spent the morning writhing in mud. Others - the ticks and mosquitoes - survive only by leeching money from their parents. I try hard to repress my urge to squash each and every one of them.

In Advanced Swimming, the people aren’t much better. Most are naturals, having spent so much of their lives in the water that, when it comes to other sports, they flounder pathetically. A few guys remark on my pasty skin and slim physique and give me the kind nickname, “Worm.” They spend the rest of the period sharking in my wake, tearing out nice chunks of my self-esteem. The dullness in their immense eyes and perpetually gaping mouths is the only thing that consoles me. They’re the people who would fall for any vice—hook, line, and sinker. The ones always up to their gills in alcohol and pills.

By Political Science, my mood drops even more. My classmates, though still intellectually unremarkable, are now infinitely more vicious. As our ancient Pterodactyl of a professor explains the meaning of “dictatorship” Vicious Vicky claws eagerly at her desktop. She roars at the mention of raw power and, noticing my worried looks, smiles me that razor smile, pretending that nothing has happened. When the professor squawks at a sleepy Stegosaurus in the back of the class, Rex eyes her ancient leathery breasts. Rex doesn’t really mind that she’s practically prehistoric. To him, women are just pieces of meat to be devoured anyway. Wistfully I imagine an asteroid crashing into his head.

After lunch - the memory of Political Science long extinct - I’m in Evolutionary Biology. The class is certainly fascinating, but it somehow seems to drag on for centuries. The experience is only made worse by my Neanderthal classmates. Though they may have something to say, they only grunt and wave their hairy arms furiously when called upon. Some of the lively ones thump a Bible against their chests while they bellow. With peers like this, I sometimes wonder if I’m fit to survive another day at this school.

When I return to the room, I’m surprised to find Bob reading in his bed. He looks a great deal wiser with Aristotle in his hands, and when I crawl into my bunk, we begin to wax philosophical on life - on birth, friendship, love, betrayal, virtue. We debate a whole host of isms - feudalism, capitalism, romanticism, solipsism, communism, skepticism. The talk is exhilarating but exhausting, and Bob is soon fast asleep. As I reach to take my glasses off, I feel alright for the first time all day - almost like I’ve got everything figured out. Then, suddenly, my vision blurs, and the solar system of shapes fragments and smears as my entire universe collapses into nothing.

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This has merit. Some funny lines.

Comments: pinpricks don't glow, they are sharp

I don't know anything about infant planets as regards their drifting, so this simile doesn't clarify anything

Your description of "smudges collide..." is very nice.

"primordial chaos" is trite

If the "others" are "sharking" in your wake, they are behind you, and can't be injuring your self-esteem, can they?

You need to find an indirect way to say that those "sharks" are vice-prone. From what you've given, the reader can't understand why you characterize them as such.

Who is Rex?

You'll have to give some explanation of why a fascinating class seems to drag...

I find myself wishing that this time, when we hear of the effect of his glasses, when his vision disintegrates, the peace of mind he's derived from a rational discussion leaves him undisturbed by mere poor eyesight.

I hope, if you do re-write, you'll post it again.

Mindy

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Thank you Mindy for the balanced critique. :)

You've helped me see where I added words and phrases carelessly, believing them innocent, only to see that they've mangled the intended meaning. As for the other issues...

For the Advanced Swimming section, I kept envisioning my swim recent class, which was actually Survival Swimming. (I'm very bad with water. :P) So in my mind, the "sharking" wasn't happening in the context of an intense lap race, but in a very unrestricted learning environment, where that kind of hazing could happen. Context changes everything, so that was a glaring mistake on my part.

Rex is just a classmate. This work was for a school assignment, so I was restricted with my maximum word count. Anyway, even without additional words, I thought it would be assumed that he was just another jerk that the protagonist sees everyday--except of course that there is only day. Hmm.

Again, everything else is greatly helpful, and I especially agree about a revised ending. Your suggestions have gotten my mind working. Thanks again.

Edited by thewarrant
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Again, everything else is greatly helpful, and I especially agree about a revised ending. Your suggestions have gotten my mind working. Thanks again.

Great. If you're not big on water, you might not know that the wake always trails the object moving through water, so that meant to me that you were leading the others... just a detail.

Eager to hear more.

Mindy

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Use of large words is not proportional to how good your writing is. Common mistake.

You're right, but in this case the technical classifications, etc., have a purpose. The University ought be populated by uhh, life-forms(?) that are intellecually mature. They fail that miserably. The contrast between the sophisticated terminology and the base evolutionary and intellectual nature of the people at the university is a clever technique to mark that.

Well, that's my interpretation.

Mindy

Edited by Mindy
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