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Dear all,

This is my first post on this forum. I've come to search for help/guidance after yes of self questioning and relapsing bouts with depression that have no meaning or purpose. I am a 32 year old PhD student who studies pharmacology. I am currently months from graduating but am facing a wall. You see for the past four years life was somewhat unpleasant. My burning desire was always to do something more adventurous and creative with my life (aka singwriting, music production, concerts). As time passed I always justified my being in school as "the right thing to do" leaving my own ambitions and desires as secondary values, dreams of immaturity, etc.. yet my belief and passion for them never ceased. Now I look back at my tweenties with a self-loathing attitude at having spent the best of my years working at something that wasn't my biggest value and second guessing my own intuition/not having found the courage to pursue them fully. At 32 I am dependent on others and can't seem to find the passion in my life anymore to complete the PhD let alone find a plan to create a life that is what i'd like it to be. The idea of being a scientist looking at his screen all day being isolated from adventure and having a monotonous 9-5 cycle doesn't appeal to me at all. I have always been passionate about everything I do but now have a hard time with everything. I came here because I realized long ago that science would never get me close to any of my dreams no matter how hard I pursued/achieved. Ayn Rand's philosophy thought me that my dreams are never worth giving up if a life of happiness is what I esteem.

Many Thanks.

Edited by LookingForlight
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Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for here. It sounds like you've already decided to face up to the facts, and you also realize that you must change in order to be happy. Your feelings of resentment are understandable, but in the end, "That's life." You live, you learn. Your years weren't "wasted" in the ultimate sense because you are still alive. You did what you did, when you did it, and other people did other things; no biggie. Now you've finally realized, and that is good.

Perhaps a heavy sigh is in order at this point, but then... moving on!

You'll have a lot to figure out from here, but knowing that much is a great step toward the ultimate elation of a continually happy self!

Edited by JASKN
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If you do plan on pursuing your dream of music, you can do it while working a low paying job, or working a high paying job. Wouldn't it be better to tough it out for the few months that you have left, secure a good job, and work from there?

If you really are finding it hard to motivate yourself to finish the degree because of depression, perhaps you should consider anti-depressants to help you survive the last leg of the battle. That's what I would do If I thought I might be incapable of getting through it otherwise.

From what you said, I really think it sounds like you should get the degree before you decide to change course. If the music thing (or whatever else you decided to do) ended up not working out, I imagine you would really regret having not finished.

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@JASKN I'm not sure what I was looking for here, but whatever I thought I could find, an objectivist forum is where I thought I could find it. I guess I do have resentment. Society always highlights PhD as this glorious thing and I was sold that idea never taking into account the passion someone may have for something else, the lost earnings over several years of education and the accumulated debt. My entire 20's have been dedicated to it and I never felt the self-esteem or happiness i should have felt from my productive work. Even more depressing is seeing people around me having worked at what they do love and being successful at it or even just people have worked as hard in their field of study and making more income than I could hope to make after graduating. I've certainly made a decision along the line because I realize that i'll never be able to succeed on the terms I deem possible for myself by pursuing a career in science, in the LONG run. Both financially and emotionally. And that's what bothers me is that having made my decision isn't good enough, I don't know how to go about changing a life that's been built and directed for over 10 years. I'm also stuck with student debt that anchors me even more. I am currently on antidepressants and they help but I certainly feel no more love for my PhD than I did before. The problem is that I just feel so miserable when I do study that I just don't want to do it but then I just stall the inevitable.I guess i'm looking for a dose of reality and some solid objective advice. On the topic, ive read your posts regarding dr hurd and may look into him a little.

@Kelly I guess I can,and in principle it should work out that way. I'm just facing this wall of resentment towards science right now that I can't seem to get over. I guess i feel trapped in science which probably seems ridiculous. I mean isn't it great that i hvae these degrees? yet I didn't serve my number one purpose which is to live a life that's interesting, adventurous, creative where I can build an identity, a self-image that's satisfying to me and hopefully accumulate wealth doing it. I don't think I can live life on any other terms yet how do I go from here to there? That seems like such a stretch that i'm not used to. I need to make some kind of unique creative contribution that I am recognized for. I don't want to be part of the heard.

I certainly love this feedback, its great talking about something in avenue that's not as attached as lets say... family.

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