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Not interested in the chase.

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I have a circumstance which I would like some constructive criticism/feedback on. I have found myself at a point in my life where I am unconcerned about potential relationships with members of the opposite sex. It’s not that I find them unattractive, I recently moved to NYC from a relatively small town in upstate NY and the number of beautiful women here is staggering.

My thoughts are that my most recent serious LTR left a particularly bitter taste in my mouth. It was a relationship more of comfort than of mutual understanding and compassion for one another. Initially I viewed the relationship as something I would undertake to try and make her life better. I actually remember having that explicit mental debate with myself a few weeks into our relationship. Something of a flawed start to begin with, looking back but let’s continue to the point of my musings.

Initially everything was great, we got along superbly, I was immensely attracted to her physically as well as intellectually all throughout my senior year of HS.

Following HS we moved into an apartment together and this was where things began to take a turn for the worse. I was essentially pampered with material things in exchange for me staying in this relationship, and I got comfortable. I had a cushy life, a nice apartment, an appealing girlfriend. I thought I had it sweet. I felt like I was an object which had to be paid for with material things and I resented this from the start. These were the first cracks in the foundation of our relationship.

I had always been interested in doing things my way and there were things I couldn’t do while tied down. So gaining my independence was a huge plus at the end of this relationship but..

It was at the end of said relationship when I suffered a serious blow to my view of the integrity of people, as my ex girlfriend and best friend of 6 years/roomate at the time had slept together and neither of them had the strength of character to tell me until 6-7 months after the fact, and it was only by me asking that I found out.

The shock of being lied to by two people who couldn’t have been closer to me for the better part of 7 months was overwhelming. Living with two people everyday whom I trusted with my life, all the while being lied to every single day kind of warped my perception of people. So I’m not sure if I’m still coping with this system shock, but I am largely indifferent to the pursuit of women and of people in general.

I’d much rather just do things that I enjoy and further my life/career and exposing myself to that sort of risk again just doesn’t seem worth it.

Thoughts?

Edited by ChefGuy89
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The shock of being lied to by two people who couldn’t have been closer to me for the better part of 7 months was overwhelming. Living with two people everyday whom I trusted with my life, all the while being lied to every single day kind of warped my perception of people. So I’m not sure if I’m still coping with this system shock, but I am largely indifferent to the pursuit of women and of people in general.

I’d much rather just do things that I enjoy and further my life/career and exposing myself to that sort of risk again just doesn’t seem worth it.

Thoughts?

That sounds like a pretty darn reasonable response to me, at least temporarily. I'd just add that you shouldn't forget how potentially rewarding and valuable personal relationships can be, provided you find the right people, so if in time you find that your attitude of indifference towards pursuing relationships with other people is becoming a permanent feature, then that's something to worry about. However, I think a little "me" time after something like that is not a bad policy at all.

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I’d much rather just do things that I enjoy and further my life/career and exposing myself to that sort of risk again just doesn’t seem worth it.

Thoughts?

Honestly, if you "just do things that you enjoy and further your life/career" you'll probably get tackled sooner rather than later despite your best misanthropic intentions. What's more, she's likely to be of higher quality under that circumstance as well since it usually implies that she's attracted to your character rather than just being liked or whatever other psychological dysfunction motivates people to get into relationships.

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Your reaction to the betrayal is understandable.

But take care - you mentioned it not being worth the risk. Do not commit the sin of condemning everyone who has not wronged you because one person has.

It's ok not to be in a relationship - but not if the reason is you're assuming everyone else out there is also going to lie to you at some point.

Give everyone a chance to prove you wrong for trusting them - it gives you and them a chance to be proven right for trusting each other.

If you never give anyone that chance, you'll never have anyone to trust.

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Thanks for the feedback gents, I appreciate it. I have gravitated more towards what is important to me since for the longest time I felt like I couldn’t fully pursue what was in my self interest. Furthermore it’s nice to only have to consider myself when making decisions, and not have to factor in how it will affect a close, personal relationship.

While I don’t think I am at the point of distrusting new comers entirely it has certainly made me a bit weary of people in general. Before I was a bit too naïve or trusting – I assumed that people I dealt with were equally as rational as myself – which may have been the error in my thinking.

I would like to establish a few new relationships with people but at the same time it doesn’t make a terrible difference to me right now if I don’t. B)

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I would like to establish a few new relationships with people but at the same time it doesn’t make a terrible difference to me right now if I don’t.

Nothing wrong with that - that attitude helps ensure that you don't end up seeking relationships with people out of desperation, but instead that you'll form healthy relationships with people who have similar values and ideals.

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Nothing wrong with that - that attitude helps ensure that you don't end up seeking relationships with people out of desperation, but instead that you'll form healthy relationships with people who have similar values and ideals.

Few things are more pathetic than the person who chases relationships (or clings to an awful one) primarily because they feel valueless if they are not in one. I see this especially in women but I know many men are in that mode too.

Waiting until you see someone you really value is a good thing... and if your standards are high it can take a while.

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Honestly, if you "just do things that you enjoy and further your life/career" you'll probably get tackled sooner rather than later despite your best misanthropic intentions. What's more, she's likely to be of higher quality under that circumstance as well since it usually implies that she's attracted to your character rather than just being liked or whatever other psychological dysfunction motivates people to get into relationships.

I agree. That's usually how it goes down.

That's why my advice would be to analyze this situation and learn from the mistakes you've made. Deal with any emotional issues so you don't drag around any unwanted baggage. Then if you don't feel like going after a new relationship just yet, focus on your life/career. But, put yourself in situations where you get to meet new people. Doesn't matter if it's just as friends, coworkers or whathaveya. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere you can still learn alot of things about people, and maybe next thing you know you're stading face to face with an absolutley amazing person.

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I agree. That's usually how it goes down.

That's why my advice would be to analyze this situation and learn from the mistakes you've made. Deal with any emotional issues so you don't drag around any unwanted baggage. Then if you don't feel like going after a new relationship just yet, focus on your life/career. But, put yourself in situations where you get to meet new people. Doesn't matter if it's just as friends, coworkers or whathaveya. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere you can still learn alot of things about people, and maybe next thing you know you're stading face to face with an absolutley amazing person.

Thanks Alfa, appreciate the input. I've pretty much come to terms with what happened, as far as I can tell. In the end I am much better off on all fronts, having gotten rid of two relationships which weren't necessarily helping me. I just wanted some input from a community I respect as to whether I was turning into a hermit or if the level of disinterest I feel towards others was part of the rebuilding process.

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