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Some Communism Jokes:

Brezhnev asked the Pope, 'Why do people believe in a Catholic paradise, but refuse to believe in a communist paradise?'

'Because we don't show our paradise!'


'Is communism a science?'

'No. If it were a science, it would have been tested on dogs first.'


What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Most certainly Russian! Only Russians can run about barefooted and bare assed, without a roof over their heads, where there is only one apple for two and nevertheless cry out that they are in paradise!


There was a question on Armenian radio for which there was no answer: If all countries became socialist, where would we buy grain?


An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are praising their wives.

'When my wife goes for a ride,' the Englishman says, 'her

legs drag on the ground. Not because the horse is small, but

because my wife has long beautiful legs!'

'I embrace my wife around the waist with only two fingers,' says the Frenchman, 'not because I have a big hand, but because my wife has a slim waist!'

'Before leaving for work,' says the Russian, 'I slap my wife's behind. And when I come back from work, her behind is still shaking. It's not because my wife has a big flabby ass, but because in the USSR we have the shortest working day in the world!'


When did the first Soviet elections take place?

When God put Eve before Adam and said: 'Choose yourself a wife!'


Brezhnev and Nixon are standing near Niagara Falls with their bodyguards when they decide to test them. They both order them to jump into the falls. The American bodyguard refuses, saying, 'I have a family and children!'

The Russian rushes towards the Falls without thinking, but at the last moment he's stopped.

'How did you decide to do such a thing without even thinking?' asks Nixon.

'I have a family and children!'


Under the specified theory of historical materialism between Socialism and Communism the intermediate stage is inevitably-alcoholism.


SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.

NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

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Oh, Communism jokes!

Q: Stalin, Beriya and Molotov are killed in a plane crash. Who is saved?

A: The Soviet people.


During English class, the teacher asks her students to use the word "calamity" in a sentence.

"If I lost my pencil," the first student tries, "it would be a calamity."

"no, Ivan," replies the teacher. "That would merely be a loss."

The second student says "If I tripped and fell, that would be a calamity."

"No, Andre. That would merely be missfortune."

A third student tries. "If Comrade Stalin were to die, that would be a calamity."

"Yes, Svetlana," syas the teacher gladly. "Indeed if the Great Comrade Stalin were to die, it would be a calamity. Tell the class how you figured it."

"Well," says the student, "what else could it be? it wouldn't be loss or missfortune..."


Bands of Russian and Polish smugglers both find a hidden treasure right on the border at the same time. After much argument, threats and some fighting, the Russian's leader says "Enough! We'll split this equitably like good Communists!"

"Never! replies the Polish leader. "Fifty/fifty or we keep fighting!"


During negotiations bewteen China and the Soviet Union, the Chinese foreign secreary syas, "We are close to a deal, comrade. I just ahve three more points to bring up."

"Go ahead," replies the Soviet foreign secretary.

"One, we'll want two merchant ships per month."


"Two, we'll need one new naval ship per month."


"Three, we really could use two dozen bicycles."

"I'm sorry, comrade. That is absolutely out of the question."

"But why, comrade?"

"The Poles don't make bicycles."


During the days of Detente, Gromyko tells Brezhnev, "You know, comrade, it would really help our image if we were to open the Iron Curtain for, let us say, two weeks."

"Have you taken leave of your senses, comrade?" asks Brezhnev in outrage. "If I were to do that, only we would be left in the Soviet Union."

Gromyko answers, "What do you mean 'we'?"


A Soviet citizen applies for permission to emigrate to the West. He is invited to the local KGB office, where he's asked a few questions:

"Do you dislike the country?"

"I can't complain," answers the citizen.

"Do you dislike the government?"

"I can't complain."

"Do you dislike your job?"

"I can't complain."

"Then why in blazes do you want to emmigrate?"

"Because in the West I can complain."


One fine day, Stalin decides to disguise himself as a factory worker in order to find out what his citizens really think of him. He walks into a tavern late one night, buys some guy a adrink and asks him "What do you think of comrade Stalin?"

The stranger discreetly looks around the tavern and say in a very low voice, "Let's step outside."

Once outside, he does some mroe surveying, finally he points to a nearby forest and starts to walk in its direction. Stalin follows. After some distance, Stalin asks, "Well?" The stranger answers "Just a little further."

They walk for another ten minutes. The stranger stops in a thick clump of trees. He looks to his left, then to his right. He motions Stalin to get close and whispers "I kind of like comrade Stalin."

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Nikita Kruschev brings his grandson to the Kremlin to show him off. Naturally, the politburo gathers around and showers adulation on the child.

"He's going to be a general," says the minister of defense. "You can tell by the way he stomps his feet."

"I think he's going to be a musician," says the minister of culture. "You can tell by the graceful fingers."

"You're wrong, gentlemen," says Kruschev. "He's going to be Party General Secretary. You can tell because he just made a big, stinking mess in his diapers and he's smiling!"

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  • 1 month later...

Three gas station owners report for their first day in prison. The prison guard asks one of them, "What are you in for?" He replies, "The government says I charged customers more for my gasoline than other gas stations. I'm in for price gouging."

The guard looks at the second man. "And you?" He answers, "I charged less for my gasoline than everyone else. I'm in for anti-competitive pricing."

The guard looks to the third. "And you?" He shrugs. "I charged the same price for my gasoline as all the other gas stations. I'm in for collusion."

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What's new? Pi over Lambda. (Physics humor - hilarious to nerds :P )

Oooh, physics jokes! (And yes, that one is hilarious :) )

Here's a few I like.

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive," replied the atom.

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Note: This message was written entirely with recycled electrons.

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Oh, well. Professor Septimus Jones walks into a bar.

"Good evening, doc," says the bartender. "What can I get you today?"

"I will have a dry martinus, please," the professor replies.

"Don't you mean a martini?"

"My good sir, I assure you if I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

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  • 4 months later...

(Just so you know, Rene Descartes is the philosopher who said "I think, therefore I am." In Latin, cogito ergo sum.)

Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it.

Bartender comes around: "Another beer, sir?"

Descartes: "I think not."

And **poof** he disapeared, vanished, was no more.



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Here is one I like:

Chemistry is physics without a thought

Mathematics is physics without a purpose

And also:

Mathematics for a physicist is like a laws to a criminal: know, and know how to bypass ;)


I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it

(some guy's signature on some forum)

And here is a song that goes so blatantly against "existence exists" that it's helarious: Shaggy / It wasn't me

Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim

And you tell her baby no way

[after gf catches him cheating]I had tried to keep her

From what she was about to see

Why should she believe me

When I told her it wasn't me

["Player" answers:]

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix

Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex

As funny as it be by you, it not that complex

Seein is believin so you better change your specs

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here is an actual Objectivist joke. I did not make it up - I heard it several years ago.

- - - - -

Did you hear about the Objectivist beauty contest?


Well, it was pretty much like any other beauty contest except that the measurements were omitted.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm not sure this is an Objecitivist joke, but its one of my personal favorites. (its also auite juvinile...)

YOU: knock, knock

THEM: Whos there?

You run away, fast, and once a good distance away, yell: Doorbell ditcher!!

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  • 10 months later...

Q: How many Communists does it take to feed a family?

A: All of them.


Q: What's the difference between a Communist and an ant?

A: Ants can build their own homes.


"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"


"I, who?"



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Q: How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: How can anyone know there's a lightbulb? I mean, in MY mind lightbulb might mean this thing that makes light, but to you it could be a fruit or something, but also in your mind you plug fruits into the ceiling and light comes out. So you can't screw in a lightbulb because there's really no such thing as light or bulbs, we're all just insignificant specks of carbon in an infinite universe that doesn't mean anything. That makes perfect sense despite the overwhelming lack of evidence! Now if you don't mind I have to get to my job at McDonalds because my mom says if I get fired one more time she'll kick me out of the basement.

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Since we're on the light bulb kick:

Q: How many Feminazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to give me a blow job.

--Dan Edge

Edited by dan_edge
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Q: How many New Leftists does it take to screw-in a lightbulb?

A: Just one. But it akes at elast 17, with two wearing paper-mache heads, to pressure the democratic Wing of the Democratic party in Congress to pressure Congress to pass the National Lightbulb Screwing-in and Redistribution Act which allows every American to have access to quality lightbulbs.

Q: How many democrats does it take to screw-in a lightbulb?

A: Bush stole the election! Global Warming! Al Gore! Iraq's a hopeless quagmire! American troops are no better than Nazis! We support the troops! How dare you question my patriotism!!!

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