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Here's one.... two Objectivist women are discussing their Objectivist boyfriends. One is fairly young, and asks the older woman a question.

"Something has been bothering me.... how do you know whether your boyfriend is interested in your mind, or just using you for sex?"

"Oh, that's easy," says the older Objectivist woman. "After he f***s your brains out, does he put them back?"

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A modern artist blows his nose on a canvas and hangs it up in an art gallery. A snooty modern art critic walks up to the painting and enthusiastically praises it.

"It's a masterpiece! It conveys human truth while perpendiculating the essence of the transmogrified and discombobulated perpetuity that intersects the unknowable in a way that interjects vast pronouncements of an intermittent realm in which analogous things can be known and yet not because substance will substitute or substantiate the infinite as it relates to metaphysical indigestion."

An Objectivist walks up to the critic and says, "Check your premises. It's just a booger."

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I read this recently but I can't remember where, it might have even been on another thread in this forum but it went:

How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They can't, because they keep looking to the Bible for answers.

Edited by KevinDW78
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything is being done to rectify the crisis situation, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the bathroom faucet.

How many people have to die for Joseph Stalin to screw in a lightbulb?

None, he just likes doing it that way.

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Two women are discussing their boyfriends. One is fairly young, and asks the older woman a question.

"Something has been bothering me.... how do you know whether your boyfriend is interested in your mind, or just using you for sex?"

"Oh, that's easy," says the older woman. "After he f***s your brains out, does he put them back?"

Occam's Razor. I do like the joke though!

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Here's one.... two Objectivist women are discussing their Objectivist boyfriends. One is fairly young, and asks the older woman a question.

"Something has been bothering me.... how do you know whether your boyfriend is interested in your mind, or just using you for sex?"

"Oh, that's easy," says the older Objectivist woman. "After he f***s your brains out, does he put them back?"

LOL! Did you make that up!?

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LOL! Did you make that up!?

Yep. I thought it highlighted in a bizarrely backdoor way the fact that an Objectivist finds intelligence an incredible sexual turn-on.

IIRC, my original-creation light bulb joke (I actually had two, the first one was much better than the second) was the first one of that genre on this thread, also.

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Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

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Cowisms - The Ultimate Government Guide

Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In a Communist prison:

'How many years did you get?

'Twenty-five.'

'For what?'

'For nothing.'

'You're lying! For nothing they give ten.'

--------------------------------------------------

Brezhnev called together a group of cosmonauts. 'Comrades! The Americans have landed on the Moon. We here have consulted and have decided that you will go to the Sun!'

'But we will burn up, Leonid Iljich!'

'Be not afraid, comrades, the Party has thought of everything. You

will leave at night.'

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  • 1 month later...

My all time favorite communist joke (can't remember where I heard it):

Party Meeting, Moscow, 1956;

High-level party member is making an inspiring speech to the crowd of workers and peasents. He ends the speech with a dramatic "The utopia of communism is just over the horizon!!!" To tumoltuous applause. One child at the back stands up, to everyone's shock. He says, "Mr. Party Member, what's a horizon?" And the party member says:

"It's an imaginary line that get's farther and farther away the closer you get to it."

:thumbsup:

Edited by Devils_Advocate
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  • 1 month later...

A short history of Medicine

"Doctor I have an earache."

Doctor's response in...

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root"

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen. Say this Prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill"

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic"

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

Edited by universehead
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Your historiographical data is incorrect. I'm writing to the Medical Journal about you!

100,000 B.C. - "Ern ees oort", 'Doctor' picks up tree root and hits patient with it.

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root"

300 B.C. - "That root unbalances your humors. Take this bull's testicle ground with herbs."

200 A.D. - "Those ways are heathen. Say this Prayer."

1200 A.D. - "Those ways allow us to hear the word of God. Take them, then say this prayer".

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill"

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic"

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

2008 A.D. - "That root is expensive. Here, take this Medicare cheque"

2020 A.D. - "That cheque is worthless."

2021 A.D. - "Your economic system is worthless. Here, take this book."

The end.

Edited by Tenure
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Yet another Communist joke:

Chrusciov is flying throught corn fields in an airplane and says to a pilot "Throw out 5 Ruble, woman who finds it will be happy."

The pilot, thought unwillingly, throws out the paper.

Ten minutes after that, Chrusciov asks to throw 10 Rubley. Pilot comments "If I would throw YOU out, whole world will be happy."

Joke about Christianity:

Pope dies and wants to enter heaven. St. (who cares who?) asks:

"Who are you?"

"I am the Pope."

"Who?"

"I am God's representative on Earth", cries Pope.

"God has his representatives? I will ask Jesus about this, he has been there."

Jesus spends a few minutes with the Pope and comes back to St. (who cares who?) and explains:

"Do you remember that bunch of stupid fishermen I collected 2000 years ago? It's still working!

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  • 2 weeks later...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue

across the street from each other. Since their schedules

intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the

street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the

priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need

a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was

doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.

He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the

car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

And

*A very old man enters a grocery store and says: "I'd like to buy everything in your store," and puts down a very large amount of money.

Ok, says the shopkeeper, but how will you get it home."

I don't want to take it home," says the man, "I want you to leave it just where it is, and if anybody comes to buy anything, give it to them free."

The shop assistant agrees and the old man sits on a bench outside the store and watches. A few customers go in and come out looking extremely happy. Soon the store is mobbed and within fifteen minutes, it is a pile of rubble. The old man continues to sit on the bench, dirty, but smiling and happy. The ravaged shopkeeper walks up and asks him, "Why did you do it? My shop is a ruin?"

Well, I'm very old, and I know I won't live to see true communism," says the man. "I just wanted to see what communism would look like."

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I suppose this one qualifies:

Jesus and Moses, dissatisfied with growing unbelief and lack of observance, come down to Earth to demonstarte God's might. Nearly at once they're able to gather a large crowd by the shores of a river. Once the media arrive, Moses announces they will proceed to walk on water.

Moses crosses the river, his feet on the surface of the river. Jesus takes one step and promptly sinks to the bottom. When he comes up gasping for air Moses yells at him "Step on the stones, you goyische kopf!"

I know a few other religious jokes. Let's see....

An angel gos to fetch Jesus. "Lord," the angel says, "we are faced with an unprecedented problme in admissions. There's this old man, very old, who doesn't remember who he is."

Jesus goes to the front door of Heaven and confronts the old man.

"They tell me you don't remember who you are," Jesus says.

"That's so, sir."

"Okay. But you must remember something about your life. Think, what did you do?"

"Do? Oh, well, yes, I remember that, I think. I was a carpenter."

"There you go. Now, think about it, did you have a family?"

"Family, sir? Oh, let me think. Hmm. I think -yes! I had a son!"

"Good! Did you ahve a wife, or other children?"

"I don't know. But I had a son. he was very famous, much acclaimed by masses of people who hung on his every word."

"Father" Jesus exclaims happily.

"Pinocchio!"

Oh, well....

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  • 4 weeks later...

Somebody from the people watching coughs in the Communist meeting then Stalin talks.

Stalin asks:

Who coughed?

No answer.

Stalin says:

The first line, stand up. Soldiers, shoot them.

Stalin asks again:

who coughed?

No answer.

Stalin then says:

soldiers, shoot the second line.

Stalin asks again:

who coughed?

Silent voice with cries says:

I coughed. Stalin answers:

Oh, bless you, dear man, Stalin says.

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*A very old man enters a grocery store and says: "I'd like to buy everything in your store," and puts down a very large amount of money.

Ok, says the shopkeeper, but how will you get it home."

I don't want to take it home," says the man, "I want you to leave it just where it is, and if anybody comes to buy anything, give it to them free."

The shop assistant agrees and the old man sits on a bench outside the store and watches. A few customers go in and come out looking extremely happy. Soon the store is mobbed and within fifteen minutes, it is a pile of rubble. The old man continues to sit on the bench, dirty, but smiling and happy. The ravaged shopkeeper walks up and asks him, "Why did you do it? My shop is a ruin?"

Well, I'm very old, and I know I won't live to see true communism," says the man. "I just wanted to see what communism would look like."

That is scary to me. I'm writing a novel (I'll be elaborating on it more later) where, 450 years in the future, there is an almost pure collectivist society - makes 1984 look like modern day France, but doesn't quite approach Anthem's WE. The economy is abased on the principle of "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." What happens is a factory produces x amount of units. They are shipped to Resource Warehouses (stores) where anyone can come in and take whatever they NEED. Workers are paid this way - currency has been abolished. Obviously, the stores - whenever they are stocked - are emptied within minutes by the armies of homeless bums. So this joke was kind of scary to me. Still funny though.

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  • 1 month later...

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