How do you deal with regret?

[happiness]

What's the best way to deal with regret? It seems to me that you definitely want to take a lesson from whatever you did wrong and strive not to repeat the mistake. But aside from that, how do you deal with a painful past? Do you just tell yourself that the past doesn't matter anymore regardless of whether it was good or bad?

[JASKN]

Broader perspective, focus on the future. Let grief happen, but not longer than it has to.

[softwareNerd]

It seems to me that you definitely want to take a lesson from whatever you did wrong and strive not to repeat the mistake.

Remind yourself not to blame yourself for things you could only know with hindsight. Similarly, for past successes, try not to congratulate yourself for good luck: "Wow! I won the bet... this Russian Roulette thing is free money!" Try to take the right lesson from the way you approached the event, not merely from its outcome. The lesson about a new approach is something you can then use in the future.

Other than that, I think the key is: acceptance. It is much easier said than done, but the more completely you simply accept something as unchangeable (as the metaphysically given) the calmer you will be. There's a huge problem with doing this, because -- emotionally -- it is the opposite of ambition (the desire to change the man-made and changeable). Ideally, one ought to be accepting some things as unchangeable, and working hard to change others... but, the distinction between the two types is seldom obvious, and we surely don't want to resign ourselves to many aspects of our lives. Still, we have to start by figuring out -- intellectually - what can be changed and what cannot (at least in our lifetimes, and with reasonable amount of effort). Doing this intellectually won't automatically change one's emotions, but I think its a start.

[Walter Foddis]

Although Branden doesn't go into the specifics in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, when explaining the pillar of self-acceptance, he does discuss the importance of self-compassion toward one's negative self-aspects, which can include actions for which you feel regret. Fortunately, though, there is now a school of thought, which is grounded in research and solid theory, which focuses on self-compassion (e.g., Paul Gilbert's Compassion-Focused Therapy, Kristin Neff's self-compassion research).

Strong negative self-evaluative feelings, like shame, regret, inadequacy, and worthlessness, are difficult to accept because they are so painful. However, in learning to approach these feelings and associated thoughts with compassion, one adopts a non-judgmental attitude. That is, one uses understanding, kind, support, and empathy toward one's self. In order to do this, you need to separate within yourself an observer-self and a self-as-object. This separation of self-as-observer and self-as-object can be challenging, and may take some practice, but it is essential to this process. This separation is easier (i.e., less emotionally daunting) when the mental content is simply intellectual (e.g., following a train of thought; introspection), which you can use as a starting point to understand this separation at the experiential level.

Branden's sentence completion can be useful to gain intellectual self-awareness of how self-compassion can be helpful. For instance, you could write 6-8 endings for each of the following incomplete sentences. As Branden recommends, sentence completion is best done spontaneously without rehearsal or "thinking." Just go with the flow and after you've finished all your endings, then you can go back and see which endings really resonate for you.

If I were more understanding and supportive toward myself for actions I feel regret, I....

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

If I were kinder toward myself for actions I feel regret, I...

1.

2.

3...

If anyone is interested in learning more about self-compassion, both theoretically and its application, Paul Gilbert's tome, The Compassionate Mind, is a good one. He makes his theory, which is very sophisticated, understandable to the layperson. He grounds his work in evolutionary psychology. One caution though: Gilbert is a fan of Karl Marx and you'll see some anti-capitalist sentiment here and there. I think these sentiments are a distraction from his work on self-compassion (although he attempts to his tie political beliefs to self-compassion), but after my irritation settled down, I ignored those parts. They are not essential to his psychological theory. Namely, I view his political opinion as as a superimposition over his psychological framework and not a logical consequence of it.

Hope you find this helpful.

Walter

Edited July 23, 2012 by Walter Foddis