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Difficulty of having true friends of opposite sex

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I have observed throughout my life that it is near impossible to have a good, long-term friend of the opposite sex. The reasons I have come up for this are:

- you become attracted sexually to the other person and want to date and not just be friends

- your interests are very different

What are your experiences regarding this? Thanks.

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I think there are two very important factors involved in the long term survival of a male/female relationship: physical attraction and type of friendship.

I don't think it is ordinarily possible for a long term platonic friendship when one or both individuals are physically attracted to the other. Though my thoughts on the subject are not fully formed, I don't see much of a difference between a "deep friendship" and a "romantic relationship" beyond the sexual elements. As you say, if there is attraction, the individual will naturally want to take it to the next level since an "attractive and likeable person" represents a complete package. However, if there is no attraction between the two, then I don't see why the friendship has to become anything more.

As for friendship "type," I believe there are many forms of friendship from "deep, long lasting confidant" who I wouldn't mind (platonically) living with to "funny jerk" who I only like to spend an occasional evening with. I think if the male/female relationship falls on the less intimate side of the scale, then a long term relationship is possible, even if sexual attraction is involved.

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My boss at work is an older woman, our friendship turned into a sexual relationship fairly quickly after beginning my work there. It turned into a 4 year relationship that has recently ended. Its bizzare because we were best friends throughout the relationship, and the sexual aspect ended quite a while before we parted ways. Now Im in the odd position of not hoping to get back together, yet still dreading the day that she finds someone else. Yes, friendships with the opposite sex are very complex and difficult in the long term.

Edited by JayR

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Yes, friendships with the opposite sex are very complex and difficult in the long term.

As it is with the same sex.

Edited by Eiuol

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True. I guess any friendship with the possibility of mutual sexual attraction is what I meant. Not that friendship in general doesnt have its complexities.

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I brought this topic up because of two events that recently has happened to me:

- I have discovered that my male best friend's political views are fascistic (with him even saying that he admires Hitler) and have decided to distance away from him

- a friend of mine suggested to me the following: imagine if your female best friend was super-ugly, would you still be friends? also, imagine if she asked you out on a date, wouldn't you accept it? his conclusion is that we're not real friends and I'm just wasting my time

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- a friend of mine suggested to me the following: imagine if your female best friend was super-ugly, would you still be friends?

Sure, why not? I have a few female friends that i'm unattracted to and don't find particularly good looking. But I do like their company. I would find it odd to choose friends based on looks.

also, imagine if she asked you out on a date, wouldn't you accept it? his conclusion is that we're not real friends and I'm just wasting my time

Do you mean if the super-ugly best friend asked me on a date? I appreciate her asking, it takes alot of guts, but no thanks - let's just be friends.

Or do you mean the attractive best friend? It depends...

My best female friend is incredibly beautiful and i'm very attracted to her. I believe the attraction is mutual as well. One of the reasons I like her so much is because she's almost everything i'm looking for in a woman. Still, I would not date her. If she was single we would probably end up in bed, sure, but not date her. And that's simpy because I don't think I could fall in love with her that way. I love her as a friend, and a very attractive friend, but I don't really have a romantic interest. Dating, to me, implies just that.

Now she just so happens to be married and I think she's very happy with that. So should she by any chance feel too tempted towards me i'd have to try and set her straight. That's a mistake she would regret and i'm her friend, so...

I guess the point is that friendship can work just fine even if there's sexual attraction involved. If it's a bad idea to act on the sexual attraction, then don't. On the other hand, if both would enjoy it, then why not. It doesn't have to get complicted.

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I have had close friends who are female. But when I think about it, I was never as close with them as I am with my very best friends. I think that in order to reach a very close level of friendship, a certain amount of shared values are necessary. If I were to find a female who shares so many values with me, I don't think I could help but to view her as a potential mate. After all, if I ever marry someone and have kids, it would be a requirement that she shares my values. So if I were to meet a girl who I have enough in common with to be her platonic best friend, I think it's unavoidable that she would become a sexual prospect. It would never be completely platonic.

Edited by Reason_Being

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I think it's a mistake to assume that a "true friendship" is necessarily platonic. Sexual attraction does not have to get in the way of friendship. You can either choose to put that aside and not act on it, become "friends with benefits" or it could also lead to a romantic relationship. Those are all viable options depending on context.

For instance, i'm attracted to my friend. She knows it, because i've told her so. Why would that be a problem? Both are cool with it, plus she's got her husband and I can always find somone else to sleep with.

If you find two people of the opposite sex that are attractive and like each other there's always going to be some sort of sexual attraction. However, there's always the option to just deal with it appropriately.

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ys. Now Im in the odd position of not hoping to get back together, yet still dreading the day that she finds someone else.

Ive given it some thought. I dont dread her finding someone else, I dread the fact that shes going to feel that she needs to hide it from me. Any insights?

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