The biggest Boson in the World

[volco]

http://inversions-and-deceptions.blogspot.com./2012/09/diamond-bob-and-biggest-boson-in-world.html

Robert Hinkmeyer (Sophia Loren Professor of Particle Physics, and Head of Collisions at CORN — Central Organisation for Research on the Nucleus) was waiting anxiously by his office telephone. His colleagues might call him “Diamond Bob” in deference to his reputation as veteran of hundreds of dangerous high-energy experiments, but right now he was nervous as hell. The call he was expecting came from high up — right from the very top, in fact.

The phone rang, and Hinkmeyer jumped.

Is that you, Bob? the clipped voice at the other end demanded.

- Yes sir, Hinkmeyer replied.

You’re definitely alone?

- Yes, sir.

And you’ve had the room thoroughly searched for bugs?

- We’ve been through it several times. I’m certain we are not being overheard.

Good. Now, as you know, I’m very concerned about the results you have been reporting on the particles observed in the Collider. The energies seem rather on the low side to me, well outside the range we have been looking for.

- Sir, I appreciate that the world’s eyes are on us, and that we’re expected to find the Higgs boson, a particle which — as you may recall — is heavier than a hundred hydrogen atoms. But the fact is we haven’t observed it, and I really think we have no choice but to call it the way it is.

Look Bob, I take it you realise it would be very much in everyone’s best interests if this damn Hicks thingy were found.

- Higgs, sir. The Higgs boson.

Whatever. The point is, surely you can see that with the world in economic crisis — teetering banks, Western nations bankrupt, food prices soaring due to climate change — we need all the morale-boosting we can get right now. Announcing a result that looks like long-sought confirmation for a popular theory will make people feel good about themselves again, and also give much-needed relief to our people in Brussels, who have been desperately trying to generate recovery with inadequate tools. It would be plain irresponsible to report an overall negative result at the moment, quite apart from the flak we’d face if ten billion euros turned out to have been spent for nothing.

- But sir, isn’t it possible that the theory is just wrong, and that the best thing to do is to admit it?

You, me and everyone on the funding committee knows that the standard theory is a crock. It’s got more holes than an Emmental. The Hicks thingy isn’t called “toilet particle” for nothing. But what’re you gonna do? There are no serious rival theories — and unlikely to be any time soon, given the promotion policies at physics departments these days. We need to soldier on with what we’ve got, and we need to go on providing our stakeholders with results they want to hear.

- You don’t seem to have much respect for the concept of scientific truth, sir, if I may say so.

That’s all very well, Bob, but the world has changed since we were at college. As you know, recent research has shown the concept of truth to be flawed. In any case, what matters these days is whether something is in the public interest. Would it be better if a hospital’s performance figures suggested that operations were mostly successful, or better to scare people and undermine the healing process? Is it a good thing for a bank to report its interest rates with a pedant’s obsession for correctness, or better to save the financial sector and the whole economy by announcing data that reassures the markets?

- I don’t see what ...

We’re not asking you to lie, Bob, that would be unethical, and anyway too likely to be leaked. All I am saying is: it does not always need to be the case that your figures appear to be as low as they did recently. Get my drift?

- But sir, surely you realise the impossibility of ...

Come off it, Bob, you’re not talking to an idiot. You and I both know the joys of a little creative tweaking of data. Everyone’s at it these days, it is positively expected, and you only seem foolish and prissy if you take a rigidly purist line. Have you forgotten when we both worked for Steve Corking, how he would never allow a negative data set to spoil things, without first indulging in a little redrawing of the curves?

- Well, I suppose there have been some areas of ambiguity where we could perhaps ...

That’s the spirit, Bob, I knew you wouldn’t fail me.

- Won’t someone notice if we fudge the results?

Who cares enough to trawl through the data? Anyway, as Richard Feynman said, no one on the planet understands quantum theory, and they won’t want to risk looking foolish. Don’t get too uptight about it, Bob. Just remember: principle without power is futile.

So, I’ll be able to tell my boss we’ll shortly be seeing headlines about discovery, money well spent, established theories receiving ultimate confirmation, and so on. Shall we say ... by the end of May?

- I think end of July is the earliest we can promise, sir. There’s been a problem with the power supply which we’ve only just resolved.

Damn. Can we blame that on high frequency trading?

- Probably not.

Never mind, end of July will have to do. I’ll think of something to keep the media off our backs until then.

- Incidentally, sir, did you get my memos about a possible breach of the rules on communicating with Iranian physicists? I wonder whether we shouldn’t make full disclosure to the folks in Washington.

Bob, Bob, Bob. What have we just been talking about? Straight dealing is for losers, you need to wake up and smell the jungle. Effing Americans, who are they to tell us what to do? They’re worse than anybody — look at the way [xxx] and [names of major investment banks deleted] have been manipulating every market from pork bellies to vanadium, in the interests of themselves and their government.

- You have a point there, sir.

By the way, Bob, I visited the facility the other day, and I have to say I was a bit taken aback by the general sluttiness of the place. Some of the corridors were strewn with litter, and I’m sure I saw a couple of rats.

- Er, we may need to get the cleaning rota improved, sir. I’ll get onto it.

Do that. Goodbye Bob, and don’t forget: if there is ever an investigation, this conversation never took place.

apologies to: Barclays, Standard Chartered, Bank of England and PhysicsWorld

I suppose Europe winning a Nobel Prize made me think of the general and pervasive phoniness of institutions that bare the title European in their names. Did you enjoy the joke?