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a momentary lapse of reason

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I think just about everyone has read my rough draft on romantic relationships and thus can tell that socially, i don't have a clue. So basically I'm just asking for adive/ the opinions of the people here, because i respect you. Here is the story on my journal, please tell me what you think.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/james_shrugged/

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1) Do you like Pink Floyd?

2) I would recommend laying off of the shots for a while. At least until you have your stuff together. I'm not moralizing or anything cause trust me, I have taken my share of shots, cigarettes, etc. The only thing is, it is a crappy way to meet women, have fun, or really do anything constructive. The acts themselves are 9 times out of 10 not worth what you get from them (at least in my opinion). Over X-mas break I went to a party and wasn't feeling it, so I poured my beer in a potted plant. I'm not saying that you feel socially pressured to drink, but if you do...don't. If you like drinking for it's own sake, fine. If you don't...lay off and get your head together.

3) It seems like you hooked up with this girl and kind of used the whole encounter to justify breaking up with your girlfriend (or if nothing else to highlight what you don't like about her). If you disliked her that much, you probably should have ended it a long time ago. To prevent that kind of situation from happening:

a) don't hook up with women you barely know or women that are dysfunctional and not worth your time

B) if a GOOD relationship starts going bad, you need to be able to communicate and trust the other person to be rational. You have to know that they can deal with YOU on a rational level and you have to trust yourself enough to know you are rational yourself.

c) have integrity. Know what you want in a woman and what you don't. If you aren't getting what you want, either take constructive steps to get it, or end it. Simple as that.

4) Hooking up with a drunk girl (even if you yourself are drunk) probably isn't the best idea. Find a sober chick and if you both are really interested in each other, break up with the old girlfriend. Or better yet, just break off with the old girlfriend and THEN go looking for women. It seems as if you are using the crappy girlfriend to justify messing around with this new girl. It also seems like you are using the new girl to justify breaking up with the old one. All in all, it looks like you are avoiding the real dysfunctionalism in your relationships and within yourself that seem to be in play here.

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1) Do you like Pink Floyd?

2) I would recommend laying off of the shots for a while. At least until you have your stuff together. I'm not moralizing or anything cause trust me, I have taken my share of shots, cigarettes, etc. The only thing is, it is a crappy way to meet women, have fun, or really do anything constructive. The acts themselves are 9 times out of 10 not worth what you get from them (at least in my opinion). Over X-mas break I went to a party and wasn't feeling it, so I poured my beer in a potted plant. I'm not saying that you feel socially pressured to drink, but if you do...don't. If you like drinking for it's own sake, fine. If you don't...lay off and get your head together.

3) It seems like you hooked up with this girl and kind of used the whole encounter to justify breaking up with your girlfriend (or if nothing else to highlight what you don't like about her). If you disliked her that much, you probably should have ended it a long time ago. To prevent that kind of situation from happening:

a) don't hook up with women you barely know or women that are dysfunctional and not worth your time

B) if a GOOD relationship starts going bad, you need to be able to communicate and trust the other person to be rational. You have to know that they can deal with YOU on a rational level and you have to trust yourself enough to know you are rational yourself.

c) have integrity. Know what you want in a woman and what you don't. If you aren't getting what you want, either take constructive steps to get it, or end it. Simple as that.

4)  Hooking up with a drunk girl (even if you yourself are drunk) probably isn't the best idea. Find a sober chick and if you both are really interested in each other, break up with the old girlfriend. Or better yet, just break off with the old girlfriend and THEN go looking for women. It seems as if you are using the crappy girlfriend to justify messing around with this new girl. It also seems like you are using the new girl to justify breaking up with the old one. All in all, it looks like you are avoiding the real dysfunctionalism in your relationships and within yourself that seem to be in play here.

I really appreciate you taking some time to reply to this post, so, thank you.

1) Not really, but I remember seeing that title on a CD.

2) I don't drink often, but that night we were partying and it was fun, I enjoyed it. I know its not right to do a lot, and I don't.

3) I really wasn't thinking about anything when I hooked up with her except, wow she's very cool and she wants to make-out.... like I said I don't remember how it started, but i know i didn't mind because I think she is a cool girl.

a) the girlfriend in question was one of 2 years, and repeated "i will change" phases. I know that shouldn't have matter but i believed her i guess.

B) ok

c) and ok.

4) This is probably the worse part, especially since I liked her before we were drunk, and still like her now. I did want out of the old relationship, but i think the problem i that i was trying to have it both ways.. kinda have angirlfriend and not have a girlfriend at the same time. and now that i think about it that is exactly what i was doing because i remember thinking to myself "i'll keep going out with her, and just work all the time and come home and sleep and hangout with friends when she is gone," so that is the piece of advice i appreciate the most.

All in all that is a very good assessment from a one page post!

I hope i have taken the appropriate steps to correct it. I have broken up with the old girlfriend, now i just have to fix everything with the other girl...

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1) he he...ok. I actually LIKE that CD which was why I was asking. I particularly like the instrumental intro, "Learning to Fly," and "one Slip."

In fact...considering your situation, you might want to listen to that song (or at least look at the lyrics). It is a good song too:).

2) I think in some ways it is beyond a simple "this is right" or "this is wrong."

Like I said, I wasn't trying to point fingers at you. I think different people drink or smoke for different reasons and to judge the moral worth of either action requires that you understand the motivation or what one is trying to get from those actions.

If you were just having fun and you choose to get drunk...eh whatever. I wouldn't recommend letting it become a habit or make a regular behavior, but there probably isn't huge harm done. So long as you are an adult and understand the repercussions of your actions and choose to do so voluntarily, it is YOUR choice and you have to live with it.

3) What do you see in this girl that makes you think she is cool? What attracts you? If your body and mind are responding, they are responding to SOMETHING. If she is a negative person with zero value and you are attracted to her, that says something about you. I'm sure you remember where Frisco mentions that you can best judge a man by what he finds attractive in a woman. He had Dagny as his ultimate good and James had Lilian. You can obviously see where I'm going with this. If you are HAPPY with how you have evaluated this girl and think she really is worth your time, I would get to know her. Slow it up a bit, you know? Making out and having sex is fine and dandy, but there is always time for that. Get to know her before hopping in the sack. REALLY get to know her.

If you are romantic, you know it is the only way you can really be sure she is the one who matches up to your sense of life and rational values. If you are a cynic, you will know that getting to physical too fast is a great way to end up with a stalker, a girl (or yourself) with oodles of emotional baggage, an STD, or other not-so-hot situations. You seem like a very sexual dude. That is cool. I am too. Just keep your hands in your own pants until you can be sure that they really belong somewhere else and you can put them there without thinking "damn I didn't think this through" afterwards. The fact that you can't even remember what lead you to make out with this chick isn't really a good sign. I personally hold things like that to be really important. Staying sober enough to know WHY you hook up with a girl is important. Just use common sense, be introspective, and and think before you act.

a) yeah. It happens sometimes. There are a whole list of things that could have happened there. Perhaps you just fell in love and you had a hard time breaking off because of the potential for pain? Perhaps you are insecure about yourself and didn't think you could do better or deserve better? Perhaps you just lost interest to the point where what she said didn't really matter and your relationship didn't either? I don't know the specifics of your relationship story, and even then...I'm not exactly qualified to pass meaninful judgement or really get into advice giving. All I'm saying here is that to prevent this sort of cycle from happening, YOU have to take charge and take responsibility. YOU need to identify what the hell happened in that past relationship so that way it doesn't happen again. That way if you get a new girl who starts the same crap, you can say "hold up" and stop the cycle before it gets so engrained and boring that it's negative effects don't even phase you anymore. At some point, if you end up with a series of bad girlfriends you have to ask yourself "Am I attracting these types? If so..what can I do about that?" I'm not saying you have to be paranoid and blame everything on yourself. Definitely be open to the possibility that you have some unresolved contradictions/faults/dysfunctionalism that could be attracting the same types. You know...the whole birds of a feather thing often rings true (not always, but often).

B) That was supposed to be a subpoint B, but it eneded up being a smiley with glasses.Sorry!

c) I wasn't trying to be overly harsh or anything. Please understand that. I'm just saying that you are obviously bothered by the fact that your act with this one girl happened inside the bonds (legitimate or not) of a relationship. That strikes her (and probably you) intuitively as being dishonest. That isn't a good feeling and it isn't something you want to seek out.

You seem like you are bothered by it...and the simplest answer is, if you don't want to jeopardize your integrity, don't put yourself in those situations and if you GET in those situations...be able to get out of them honorably.

4) I have made the same mistake.

When I screwed the pooch in a similar situation, I realized something. I was taking the lazy man's way. The path of least resistence. If you want to fool around and your relationship with your girl is so meaningless that other girls are catching your eye and you want to go farther...is it that hard to break up? No. Obviously you get benefits from having a girlfriend..even a crappy one. So the male logic goes, "Why not double dip?"

The problem with that is that it lacks honesty. If you told your girlfriend that you wanted to fool around and she was cool with it, that would be one thing. In fact, if that were the case, I would tell you to ditch her ASAP because she doesn't value you enough to demand exclusivity. At that point, your relationship is already dead.

Odds are, you KNEW that if you told her that it would be the end of your relationship. So you evaded and omitted. There isn't really a nicer way of saying it.

Another thing you might want to honestly consider. The girl had a problem when you put your hands in her pants because she was thinking about the fact that you had a girlfriend. That didn't seem to stop her the night before. Think about that.

Yes, she was drunk (which once again illustrates the risk you take when you get imbibed). The fact is, she knew you had a girlfriend.

I have been drunk on more than one occasion. Does it lower your inhibitions? I don't really think so. I think it lets you take that as an out if you WANT to take it as an out and silences that part of your brain that holds you accountable. The fact is, even when plastered I still know some basic facts of reality. I have never forgotten my name, where I was, the fact that I had a girlfriend, etc. I might not be able to walk in a straight line and in fact...I have intellectually thought "Damn it is going to be a pain in the ass to get up and walk to point X because I'm so inebriated that motor function isn't exactly at 100%." I haven't been to the point where it is like "what is my name?" I'm doubting that she was there either. She made a choice and that choice was to ignore boundaries and parameters. You also made that choice. Keep this in mind. If you get your act together, you could probably do much better. Think of it this way...would you trust this girl around alcohol if you were away on a business trip and there was an attractive/smart guy who wanted to makeout? Knowing that she made out with a guy who already had a girlfriend, would you really be able to have trust on a meaninful level? I dunno. I DO think people are redeamable and I think that people DO make mistakes. At the same time, you are playing roulette with this one in my opinion.

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