happiness Posted April 12, 2016 Report Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) A 34 year old friend of mind lost the love of his life in February when she died suddenly due to a heart defect. There weren't married yet, but were making plans. Now he's doing a bunch of crazy shit like posting messages to her on Facebook every day as if she can read them from "wherever she is up there," and after obtaning her mothers's blessing, declared that he's marrying her posthumously to stay committed to her until they reunite in the afterlife. So far I've kept my opinion on this to myself, but sooner or later I am going to have to express some view of it one way or the other—I've already showed a lack of support by not "liking" his "marriage" announcement. It's obvious that he's in an unbelievable mount of pain, having lost his #1 value, and is trying to deal with it somehow. What should a rational person in his shoes do? I see three options: 1) Try to find love again, hard as it is, 2) Stay alive, but resolve never to love again, and 3) commit suicide. Is there a correct answer? Edited April 12, 2016 by happiness Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpookyKitty Posted April 12, 2016 Report Share Posted April 12, 2016 Oh come on, he's just trying to keep her memory alive. There is no reason you can't be supportive of your friend. In fact, if I were your friend and I read this post, I would seriously question the value of your friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Boydstun Posted April 12, 2016 Popular Post Report Share Posted April 12, 2016 happiness, I can really sympathize with your friend in this loss. When we were both 41, my lover died. We had been together since we were 19.* (I’m now 67.) He was everything to me. My situation was different in that it was not a sudden death, I had a couple years in which to take care of him best I could, and to fight the disease, though the case was hopeless. Your friend is likely more with her and with them as their only world that most mattered or can matter. I am unable to fully understand the Facebook aspect. (I’m on Facebook, and it has been personally satisfying.) I think of what he is doing as akin to things we did in grief traditions before this era of electronic social media. Our ways were more private. What he’s doing is a little disturbing, but if he lives a good while, he may come back to value here, explicitly recognizing it and embracing it. From what you have told us of his age, and assuming the possibility of long life, I’d say from my experience that (3) is the wrong choice if it is from this pain alone. Long life, with enough health and memory, is good. That’s what I found. After 5 years, I successfully tried for (1). But that likely will take time, a year, maybe 3. Meanwhile, there is putting one foot in front of the other. Inside, I’m sure she is with him now and that she will never leave him. In time he may have his clear an warm memories of her, without all the pain. The choice (2) will be alright for now I imagine. We remake decisions as we change, and we do change in some organic ways, tied to our past and to the further goodness of which it can be made a part. I hope your companionship can be a help to him and that you will see him someday happy again. Stephen JASKN, StrictlyLogical, softwareNerd and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
softwareNerd Posted April 12, 2016 Report Share Posted April 12, 2016 A sudden death so young will always be extremely disorienting. Most people have some rough long-term view of how their life will unfold: not in the details, but in the general category and direction. The view fits integrates with one's purpose in life (or purposes -- plural -- as most would see it). A death means the plans (the concrete one) are wrecked. It's not uncommon for one reaction to be a defiant: "this doesn't change anything... I will stick to my plan". Denial? Sure, but like any emotional reaction, it has its place as long as it does not get out of hand. I agree with the other posters: as a friend, your role right now is to be supportive. Perhaps read up on the "stages of grief", to understand the process. Do not try to rush things. For this to play out over a year would be unsurprising. I'd say: watch your friend and support him all the way to the point where he reaches a phase of depression and self-pity. That will be the most difficult, because the nature of that phase is to push people away by pissing them off. If you value the friendship, stick with that too, and you will hopefully see it wane. That would be the time to help him to the final stage: acceptance. JASKN and Boydstun 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrictlyLogical Posted April 12, 2016 Report Share Posted April 12, 2016 8 hours ago, happiness said: A 34 year old friend of mind lost the love of his life in February when she died suddenly due to a heart defect. There weren't married yet, but were making plans. Now he's doing a bunch of crazy shit like posting messages to her on Facebook every day as if she can read them from "wherever she is up there," and after obtaning her mothers's blessing, declared that he's marrying her posthumously to stay committed to her until they reunite in the afterlife. So far I've kept my opinion on this to myself, but sooner or later I am going to have to express some view of it one way or the other—I've already showed a lack of support by not "liking" his "marriage" announcement. It's obvious that he's in an unbelievable mount of pain, having lost his #1 value, and is trying to deal with it somehow. What should a rational person in his shoes do? I see three options: 1) Try to find love again, hard as it is, 2) Stay alive, but resolve never to love again, and 3) commit suicide. Is there a correct answer? There are in actuality a multitude of options, some of which are variants of, for now (and perhaps thinking long term is not possible yet...): Trying to live through the pain of the loss, keeping her memory alive, being true to her and what she saw and loved about him, honoring the gifts she gave to him by not throwing them all away, taking it day by day and waiting for the time when the fog of pain will start to lift. Give your friend a little time to be crazy, but if you believe he is doing something now which he will regret later, then your self-interest in his end-in-himself interests, requires that you not support him in doing something which is life defeating and possibly require your diplomatic attempts to dissuade him from doing them. You must be careful of course to keep in mind that people do generally know what is best for themselves... although in such a state this depends greatly on the context and the person. You should be careful also, that in addition to your nor supporting his life-diminishing actions that you also positively support him in ways which are life-affirming, (Since paradoxically withdrawal of support for life-diminishing acts may itself have life-diminishing effects if he feels you have abandoned him in his time of need etc.) Simply acknowledging his unprecedented level of pain and the greatness of his loss are of most importance for now. softwareNerd and Boydstun 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eiuol Posted April 13, 2016 Report Share Posted April 13, 2016 If you seek to be supportive, the best thing to do would be to recognize that your friend has received psychological trauma. It sounds like he is reacting in a really maladaptive way. You can encourage him to see a psychologist, or a counselor, who is trained to be able to help people overcome or cope with psychological trauma. You don't need to be his therapist to be supportive - if he is a strong value for you, your calm or rational state of mind can help ground him. In a situation like this, people don't actually generally know what is best for themselves. He is in an unstable state of mind probably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Casanova Bernard Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 First is best solution - only new love will cure old one... Sorry fgor your friend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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