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Should you be friends with a woman you want, but can’t have?

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Unrealistic expectations kill any chance at a meaningful relationship with friends, partners, or family.  

In the beginning people look for virtue signaling, and red flags.  If she is a single mother, she may be struggling with her own responsibilities.  If the father of her child has been irresponsible, she may not be handling her emotional damage as well as she would like.  Women have a much shorter fertility window, so if she wants another child she may be in a hurry to find someone who seems to really want to be with her.  She may not want to seem needy, as though a man is doing her a big favor by taking on a family that isn't biologically his.  A lack of fatherly tendencies a man shows toward potential step children are huge deal breakers as well.  

The impact of biological forces and hormones can be overwhelming to clear cognitive function in some.  If you can see and treat her like a real human being regardless of your sexual desire, it is a sign of strong frontal cortical activity and executive brain function.  Sexual desire placed above the value of the individual most often leads to a pattern of cheating.  

Humans have only had sexual equality for a hundred years in a small part of the world, so we are all still trying to figure out how to be ok with each other.  In the past a woman wasn't allowed to be friends with a man unless he was her brother or cousin.  

Establishing true friendships with the opposite sex has provided me, and individuals I know with valuable insight,  it raises your standards.  

If you know any happy couples in healthy relationships you might want to spend time communicating with both partners about how they negotiate the challenges they have faced.   If you want a lasting relationship you need an honest reliable partner who is going to be there through health issues, tragedy, misunderstanding. Overwhelming insecurities and unwillingness to communicate will lead to many problems down the road.  

Think of this as a valuable learning experience.  Relationships are not going to be pain free, that is one reason we test each other in the beginning.  

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  • 2 years later...
On 8/4/2018 at 11:29 AM, iflyboats said:

In case you can't tell, I have absolutely zero experience with women and she is the first person I've dated. 

So, iflyboats/happiness, you're not actually like this, right? You're not a clueless virgin.

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I've read through this thread and I still don't know the definition of "having" or "attaining" someone.

  • If you get to kiss her, did you have her?
  • If you get to have intercourse (sorry to be so direct), did you have her?
  • If you get a commitment from her to not sleep with anyone else for the next two months, did you have her?
  • Or if you get a lifetime commitment to be monogamous, did you have her?

Also, what is a definition of a date?

  • Is a walk in the park a date or just a walk in the park where someone is tagging along?
  • Do both people have to acknowledge that it is a date?
  • I've seen where some people put it on their calendar and that's considered a date.
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2 hours ago, Easy Truth said:

I've read through this thread and I still don't know the definition of "having" or "attaining" someone.

In this context I believe it means having sex, possibly a monogamous sexual relationship. There are various possible meanings based on context, but typically it refers to some kind of sexual relation.

2 hours ago, Easy Truth said:

Also, what is a definition of a date?

In this context: a preplanned activity involving actual or potential romantic partners.

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Then ultimately: That most valuable thing that one cannot have, cannot be the thing that defines one's value to oneself.

  • That great job that one did not qualify for
  • That great car that one cannot afford
  • That respectable country club that does not accept you
  • The in crowd that does not take you in
  • And the success that is so elusive

They all have to be put aside as something that happened, rather than "that is the failure that I am". Otherwise the consequence is dire. And sadly, self generated.

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23 hours ago, Easy Truth said:

Then ultimately: That most valuable thing that one cannot have, cannot be the thing that defines one's value to oneself.

The job, the car, the girl, these things aren't you, and so they don't define your value to yourself. But how you act in relation to these things, that is you. It's your life as a living being. You are the soul that motivates and causes your body to act in a particular way in relation to particular values, including your own existence qua living being.

If you think a girl is "out of your league," as was the example in this thread, that might demotivate you from pursuing her with all your capacities for reasonable, emotional and virtuous action--or, alternatively, it might motivate you to work harder at gaining her love. Maybe you should study whatever intellectual subjects she enjoys talking about.

I don't believe the OP's story was true, but still the girl wanted to have sex with him initially. So she was only "out of his league" in terms irrelevant to having a romantic relationship. His problem was that he failed to insert his penis into her vagina and get things going. He should read a book or watch some tasteful pornography to learn what to do with a girl.

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  • 5 weeks later...
On 10/29/2021 at 7:38 AM, MisterSwig said:

Maybe you should study whatever intellectual subjects she enjoys talking about.

LOL. I actually agree with your post, but I would say going to the gym and working out may do you more good in this realm. It's not the "Objectivist correct" thing to say, but that is my experience.

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