non-contradictor Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 This is one of mine that I wrote for my creative writing class as an example of imagery. It's not very deep or thought provoking, but I like it anyway. Vail Golden rays light A clorless ground. Glimmering Crystals Clinging To green branches A clouds breath swirls above My covered head. Puffs of silver Mist Escape my mouth I fly down the mountain. A strange new bird With wings on its Feet Soaring on snow Twinkling eyes Masked by amber plastic Gaze with great Wonder At this frosted world. A smile unseen Through layers of cloth A laugh heard only by the Wind And the trees Darting tiny pinpricks Closer now they come The village of Vail Is below me Moving ever faster I will soon arrive I sigh and Wish That it would stay this way Forever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B. Royce Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 non-contradictor, with all due respect, your "Vail" is not a poem. It has no pattern of rhythm or rhyme to aid in the vocal expression of the emotion, contained as an embryo, within the meaning of your sentences. At the very least I would say that you delight in the world around you and, implicitly, for your ability to see and ski. What follows is just an example of what can be done in turning your prose into verse. Note, if you are interested in writing poems, try thinking in terms of song lyrics and experimenting with different rhythms to express the feeling underlying the meaning of your ideas. Sun's golden rays light up the ground And glimm'ring crystals clinging 'round On branches dancing. A breathing cloud above my head From puffing mouth so glad and red With mists a-kissing, I fly on down the mountainside A strange new bird---- --with wings of pride My feet completing. My twinkling eyes through amber mask Gaze greatly on this frost-world passed, Soaring and soaring. I smile unseen to hold my path, And no one hears my hard glad laugh But breeze and trees. The darting pins of stinging snow Are closer now, like Vail below; Oh, slow down, slow! But moving ever faster I, I know that I can only sigh For staying, staying, Forever, forever. If your creative writing teacher is dismissive of metered, rhyming , real poetry you have every right to be dismissive of him as an unreal teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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