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Jealousy

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I am new to the forum but do identify with the Philosophy of Objectivism.....and I believe I have tried to live rationally...but the area of relationships is a BIG hurdle for me.I am not shy,and interact comfortably but do not get very close to people...I expect a high degree of honesty and many criteria that unfortunately I cannot expect from others nor deny..so essentially I have grown up mostly a loner...but now when I do find someone suitable i tend to get overly possessive and sometimes protective..I know consciously that people cannot be held or protected, and that if someone interacts with me,they do it out of choice(i choose only such people who do excercise the choice)but at an emotional level I panic or become numb if my friend seems to get friendly with somene else or my boyfriend seems to appreciate another girl,especially sexually.......my problem might not be faced by Objectivists,but I would request for help,as I am trying to be so and I would want help understanding what are reasonable and unreasonable expectations..I may not have defined what I get out of relationships,hence these irrational fears...whan alone I am quite confident and don't seem to have self-esteem problems,but in a relationship things tend to go out of hand....

Any suggestions?

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My advice to you, such as it is, is to be more selfish in your dealing with others including friends and love interests. Choose your relationships based on both your assessment of the value you place on others on the basis of the value that you derive from that relationship.

If you find that a boyfriend is sexually interested in another woman, then you should be asking yourself why it is that you continue to value him. What good is a boyfriend to you who makes you feel as if he is more interested sexually in another person than in you. Why would you be interested in maintaining a relationship with someone if it does not provide you with happiness?

Friends who have other friends are a different story. The only type of person who will not tend to have others who are interested in them as friends, are persons who are valueless as friends in the first place. Is that the type of person that you want as a friend? You should be asking yourself what it is you value from the friendship. If it is someone who you can possess exclusively, then that is not a friend, but a slave.

In terms of expectations that you can reasonably have regarding other people, I find it less stressful when I have none. Your friends have no responsibility toward you, nor do you have any responsibility toward them. If you value someone as a friend, then that should be because of their current worth to you, not because they then have obligations toward you alone.

Friendship is not a relationship of obligations or expectations. It is a relationship of choice and values. Friends are to be valued for what you derive from the friendship on the basis of choice, not what you can extract from someone based on obligation or duty. The former can lead to value, the later can never lead to anything but jealousy and unhappiness.

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r...but now when I do find someone suitable i tend to get overly possessive and sometimes protective..I know consciously that people cannot be held or protected, and that if someone interacts with me,they do it out of choice(i choose only such people who do excercise the choice)but at an emotional level I panic or become numb if my friend seems to get friendly with somene else or my boyfriend seems to appreciate another girl,especially sexually.......

"Appreciate" can mean a lot of things. To be honest, I am wondering right now whether jealousy is your actual problem, or whether you are with someone who's trying to make you feel like you shouldn't be jealous if he is sexually involved with other women. I don't mean just having an affair, I mean looking at porn, or fantasizing about other women, or "flirting" with them.

--Schefflera

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Actually, the original post indicated that Sarawathi was not just speaking of boyfriends.

She said: "...if my friend seems to get friendly with somene else or my boyfriend seems to appreciate..."

I want to restate my case actually and am sorry for that..the clarification came after reading Colin's reply...I do have friends with whom I have no real pain...I am attached to them and care for them but there is no insecuity and that is because I like them and their company without any expectations....With a few friends with whom I feel jealousy are infact technically friends....I am sorry about not having analysed myself well enough to put it in my first mail...I realise that those "friends" are not my "buddies", I feel dependent and emotionally speaking I feel like a child...or sister...but as such I am neither their child or sister...since what I feel emotionally is what counts I would say that with my "friends" as such I am OK and happy,but when the emotional involvement goes further and becomes a relationship...I think expectations come in...Also I feel jealous only of those who might relate to my"sibling" in a sisterly or "parent" in a child-like manner as appropriate...child-like interaction is with "friends" older or in some way dominating or strong..the other "friends" are my buddies and i relate with them comfortably.......Maybe this way of relating as more than friends and as child etc.,is abnormal and I should look at that differently....

It is only with my boyfriend that the relationship is explicitly more than a friendship...Coming to Schefflera's comments...my boyfriend watches a lot of porn,admires women's"figure" and fantasizes about them...there is no question of flirting as he doesn't talk to girls except me and his family-members...he is a very shy person,but that doesn't stop him from being attracted to beautiful women, he doesn't ogle and make anyone uncomfortable and is honest about these things with me and also as he says...what he feels for someone else has nothing to do with what he feels for me....but I feel uncomfortable going to movies etc. and even in the campus where we live when any attractive girl is around, although he doesn't do any flirting, I know that he looks at her as a sexual object and imagines about her..and there can be "n" and "any" number of women other than me...it bothers me....

(Added some capitalization - sNerd)

Edited by softwareNerd
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