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I recently met someone that I grew to have intense feelings for. It was blatantly obvious that she felt the same way. The experiences we had were nothing like friendship at all. Eventually I was blindsided when she says she's not into "committment or emotional stuff," and instead she's too into her goals to be "side-tracked." I backed off, but explained myself and the fact that I don't do casual. But now she's talking to me again as if there's nothing wrong. I entertained it for a couple days in the hopes that she just needed some space. But now this is extremely disheartening because I'm left feeling unsatisfied and confused at her intentions or how I go about resolving this.

Either she's denying her feelings for me or she's an extremely deceptive and manipulative individual. If she is denying herself, how do I go about this? I don't think I could stand being her friend. I don't need more friends. I need passion and romance.

She's not being honest with me. I think I need to ask her what she wants from me, or what she values in our relationship. If she's intent on just 'being friends,' do I blow it out of the water and move on or do I leave the onus on her and possibly allow something to happen down the rode when she's not "side-tracked?"

When you have romantic feelings for someone, it is even possible to have a valuable friendship?

Edited by rosskeim
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I recently met someone that I grew to have intense feelings for. It was blatantly obvious that she felt the same way. The experiences we had were nothing like friendship at all. Eventually I was blindsided when she says she's not into "committment or emotional stuff," and instead she's too into her goals to be "side-tracked." I backed off, but explained myself and the fact that I don't do casual. But now she's talking to me again as if there's nothing wrong. I entertained it for a couple days in the hopes that she just needed some space. But now this is extremely disheartening because I'm left feeling unsatisfied and confused at her intentions or how I go about resolving this.

Either she's denying her feelings for me or she's an extremely deceptive and manipulative individual. If she is denying herself, how do I go about this? I don't think I could stand being her friend. I don't need more friends. I need passion and romance.

She's not being honest with me. I think I need to ask her what she wants from me, or what she values in our relationship. If she's intent on just 'being friends,' do I blow it out of the water and move on or do I leave the onus on her and possibly allow something to happen down the rode when she's not "side-tracked?"

When you have romantic feelings for someone, it is even possible to have a valuable friendship?

I have had a similar experience and in reterospect I am glad that I did not end up having a relationship with my 'friend".A person who cannot respect his/her own feelings won't be able to respect mine.

It is also very much possible that your 'friend' may not really have any romanic feelings towards you.What is blatantly obvious to you may be your perception.

No I don't think that you can have romantic feelings for her and still be freinds.Your expectations are higher than a friendship can provide.So you are likely to feel disappointed and hurt.It may only be possible one day when you have gotten over your romantic feelings.

I suggest that you make what you are going through clear to her and distance yourself.If in reality she has been denying feelings for you,she would have to admit it now, since she would realise that she can't take you for granted and behave like a girlfriend but not take any responsibility for her actions.

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Your question is difficult to answer as written. I have a sense that you're not telling us the whole story.

You write: "The experiences we had were nothing like friendship at all." OK — what were they like? Have you been dating? Meaning: have you been calling her up, asking her out, and taking her out on literal dates? Has she accepted, kept, and acted enthusiastic on them?

You say you "recently met" this girl, yet you speak of "our relationship," and say you have grown to have intense feelings for her. Something doesn't sound right here. Exactly how long have you known her?

You claim that her powerful feelings for you are (or were) "blatantly obvious" — yet you provide absolutely no evidence for this beyond your assertion. In fact, everything you do mention seems to indicate that, if she ever did have feelings for you, she doesn't anymore.

When a woman is strongly (or even modestly) attracted to a man, she typically doesn't announce that she's "not into commitment or emotional stuff" — assuming she's single, available, and sane. Ditto for "needing space," "just wanting to be friends," "it's not you it's me," etc. These are phrases that women use when they find themselves in the understandably awkward position of having to reject a man romantically, yet who genuinely want to avoid hurting his feelings or damaging his ego.

You write: "Either she's denying her feelings for me or she's an extremely deceptive and manipulative individual." That's a hell of an alternative. Is it possible that your emotions may be causing you to project a response that isn't there — at least not nearly to the degree that you'd like it to be?

You do realize that, taking everything you've written at face value, this woman has either been blatantly dishonest with you, or she's a certifiable whack job. Which would you prefer? If neither, then why are you so damned hot to have a relationship with her?

Edited by Kevin Delaney
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have you been calling her up, asking her out, and taking her out on literal dates? Has she accepted, kept, and acted enthusiastic on them?
Yes.

You say you "recently met" this girl, yet you speak of "our relationship," and say you have grown to have intense feelings for her. Something doesn't sound right here. Exactly how long have you known her?

I've known her for about 3 1/2 weeks. I used the term "relationship" in more of a general sense.

You claim that her powerful feelings for you are (or were) "blatantly obvious" — yet you provide absolutely no evidence for this beyond your assertion. In fact, everything you do mention seems to indicate that, if she ever did have feelings for you, she doesn't anymore.
Beyond the mutual sexual attraction, there was a level of trust that I thought had been reached and there seemed to be a great appreciation for eachother's goals.

You write: "Either she's denying her feelings for me or she's an extremely deceptive and manipulative individual." That's a hell of an alternative. Is it possible that your emotions may be causing you to project a response that isn't there — at least not nearly to the degree that you'd like it to be?

It certainly is possible. The problem is that she's inconsistent.

You do realize that, taking everything you've written at face value, this woman has either been blatantly dishonest with you, or she's a certifiable whack job.

Yes, I understand that. I suppose it was a case of wishful thinking to believe I could summon it out of her.

I confronted her about it and asked her what she wanted from me. Essentially she explained that she's only looking for occasional sex. She wants to be commitment-free, and be able to flip the switch on or off at a moment's notice. This certainly does satisfy my sexual needs, but I'm not sure whether it would be irresponsible for me to take advantage of it.

I realized that she's been in at least one abusive relationship of dependancy and control. She doesn't seem to believe that you can have an exclusive relationship that totally satisfies both parties. It almost seems like she takes pride in labeling herself as too complex for anybody to understand. She doesn't want anybody to understand her, and actually said that it's not possible to really understand another.

So I took that as a cue that she's not someone I can trust enough to pursue something exclusive until she's honest with herself and me. Having said that, is it possible to have a purely sexual relationship that is in fact healthy?

Edited by rosskeim
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I think I dated this girl, what is her name? :)

When I was in this position I kept my distance and we eventually stopped talking. A year later she called me out of the blue, I had moved on and had a serious girlfriend. I told her so and haven't talked to her since. Just so you know sex is so much better when both people feel the same, so its better for you to move on and find someone that feels the same as you do. Hope this helps.

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Thanks for the replies. After some ups and downs I finally realized that she's not what I want. She was leeching off my energy, and she would have continued for as long as I let her. She's not who I thought she was, and when I realized it I don't think I wanted to accept it. Was it optimism? Or was it compromise? Whatever the source may be, I need to figure it out and prevent it from happening again. I've officially written her off and won't continue ANY kind of relationship with her at all. She's not even worthy enough to be called a friend.

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I'm not sure I get you, either. What, she wants sex without the relationship strings attached? Or she obviously likes you, but doesn't want anything more than friendship?

In either case, if you value her as a friend, I don't see why you should excommunicate her, but you know this person better than we do.

She might be telling the truth in saying she doesn't want a serious relationship to sidetrack her from more important goals.

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I have never once seen "lets just be friends" work. Not once....

I have. It's worked for me. Twice.

In fact, one of the times, the girl I decided to just be friends with ended up hooking me up with one of her good friends a year later, whom I dated for 3 years. Now, that one ended in disaster... She definitely did not want to be friends. And she kept all the furniture; and my cat. :)

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If both people feel the same way about the "just friends" thing that could maybe work. That is rarely the case though. Usually one party wants out and they are using the "just friends" clause as an easy out and an excuse to make a booty call in the future. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Usually one party wants out and they are using the "just friends" clause as an easy out and an excuse to make a booty call in the future. :)

I completely agree with this statement. And in my recent case, it was a combination of a possible "booty call" and a kind of dependancy where she wanted to enjoy other benefits of being my "friend," while not taking the responsibility to evaluate whether she had any value to me as a "friend" and go from there. I wasn't too excited about the thought of being her "friend" after a conversation where she revealed that she felt a certain duty to a leech of a person that she calls her friend. While I never explicitly told her that I didn't want to talk to her again, I didn't make any effort to return her messages later on. And then from a recent interaction I've confirmed that her view of friendship is like a web of dependancy that 'just is.' I know that this is common, but I usually stay very far away from that kind of thing. And I can understand that someone might be worth jumping through a few hoops for if you truly value them as an individual and no sacrifice is going on. But I really evaluated what kind of a person she is, and honestly can't explain the initial attraction. It wasn't purely sexual, but it definitely coincided. Originally I didn't fully realize her two-sided, Jekyll and Hyde, nature. But after I did, I think it was difficult for me to accept it for some reason. I guess I just couldn't understand how someone could be a beautiful, fun, and productive individual for a lot of the time, and then turn into someone with no respect for themselves and shrug it off as normal. How do we know when certain flaws overshadow a healthy "potential?" Or is it a flaw to take the good with the bad? I believe the latter. But I guess encounters with people you fail to see fundamental flaws in happen when you're not as wise as you should be, and it's a part of the learning process to focus on what you saw in them as good and move on to the next pursuit with a finer comb to filter with.

But in my own mind, it still hasn't been resolved. I still don't quite understand how someone can be that way and why I was so easily deceived. And I guess it's just in my stubborn nature to not just give up and ignore a situation where I was deceived. It really hits me in the core. I really despise that lack of control.

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Please take this in the kindest way. From the posts that you have made, you are headed for a lifetime of pain. That girl did not deceive you, you deceived yourself. You knew a girl for three weeks and seem to have constructed, out of your own expectations as to what a girl ought to be, a fantasy of who she actually is. You then get mad at her because you find out that she does not live up to what you believe she ought to be.

Instead of looking for the ideal woman in the people you meet, try looking at people as they actually are and making a determination based on facts as to whether they are someone of value or not. Usually, this cannot be accomplished in three weeks and so it is usually a bad idea to become so emotionally invested in a person in that short a period of time.

There are good and bad people out there. If you spend your time trying to force the bad ones to be good, you won't have time to find the ones who are good already.

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That girl did not deceive you, you deceived yourself. You knew a girl for three weeks and seem to have constructed, out of your own expectations as to what a girl ought to be, a fantasy of who she actually is. You then get mad at her because you find out that she does not live up to what you believe she ought to be.

How can I deceive myself? Whether she actively attempted to deceive me or not, she deceived me. That is not to say that my judgement was without flaw, but I did not deceive myself. I did not get mad at her. I was disappointed. I was disappointed that she wasn't who I believed her to be, not who she ought to be. After that realization, it was a matter of determining what value she would have to me as a friend, and I couldn't find any.

Usually, this cannot be accomplished in three weeks and so it is usually a bad idea to become so emotionally invested in a person in that short a period of time.

I believe you're right.

If you spend your time trying to force the bad ones to be good, you won't have time to find the ones who are good already.

Yes. I never tried to force anything. I was simply trying to figure out where my judgement failed me so that I can avoid it happening again.

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How can I deceive myself? Whether she actively attempted to deceive me or not, she deceived me.

Maybe. If so, shame on her... and you SHOULD be angry.

But maybe not. Maybe the truth about her was obvious all along. Projecting what you want your partner to be is an all too common problem. That may be what colin was getting at. (if not, it's still a good thing to keep in mind)

Whether or not that describes your situation is something I couldn't even begin to guess. That's something you're going to have to figure out for yourself.

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