Earning Lovability

[Saraswathi]

I consider being lovable to be an aspect of self-esteem that has to be earned.The problem is with other aspects of achievements one can use oppurtunities like say, exams to test one's abilities and improve or gain confidence and, most of the time both.

Another example is overcoming stage fear and learning to speak in public AND gain confidence in public speaking.

My problem is that I have had very few good friends and a few disastrous relationships that have hurt a lot.

In most cases the reasons for the breakups have been others' irrationalities.I became more wary of getting close to people.

But now I realise that I have deprived myself too much,been too lonely and when now,in a relationship,get insecure,highly sensitive and often jealous(I have posted on that before).

Now my irrational fears and unfaced hurts are affecting my behaviour in relationships.

Essentially I believe I have litle confidence in these matters and my insecurity stems from not having "earned my lovability" through forging and maintaining successful relationships.

Any help?

[JMeganSnow]

What precisely do you want help with? What do you mean by "earning lovability"?

There is not some big relationship counter tallying up your success rate at relationships that people can look at to know whether they want to have a relationship with you. Every single relationship is entirely different and you must work on them individually.

The way to deserve love is to discover what virtue is and then practice it. If you do so, people will come to you (unless you actively hide from them). Some of them may be worth your time, others may not. You do not achieve a good relationship by having other relationships (although it can be valuable to have many relationships of many different kinds simply because you have to learn what you are doing); you achieve a good relationship by being a good person and then exercising your judgement.

[Saraswathi]

What precisely do you want help with? What do you mean by "earning lovability"?

There is not some big relationship counter tallying up your success rate at relationships that people can look at to know whether they want to have a relationship with you. Every single relationship is entirely different and you must work on them individually.

The relationship counter is my happiness in a relationship.I tend to get too hurt too often and then distance myself.I do not trust people easily and when I get close to someone trustworthy I develop fears and insecurities at the slightest provocation.

Edited October 11, 2005 by Saraswathi

[Saraswathi]

[you achieve a good relationship by being a good person and then exercising your judgement.

I don't think it is entirely true.By being a good person I am happy with myself,and by exercising judgement I can find my faults and correct myself ,and choose people who match with my value systems.

But a relationship requires that the other person also does the same.It is not true that others would always reward my good qualities and not misuse them.

For one thing in the past my judgements have been wrong and I chose(by mistake) to be with people who didn't really share my values.I had made mistakes of judgement.

Now I am too suspicious with ANYONE who wants to be friendly.

I am defensive and if I use my judgement and decide that this person is OK still my fears remain.

It is like if one is on a lonely road at night,even if there is no thug one can feel insecure.

I am asking for help about my vulnerability.I am too afraid of getting hurt.And therefore the link with confidence and I termed confidence in ralationships or friendships as 'lovability'.

If I am confident I assume that I shouldn't be paranoid or overly sensitive.

Edited October 11, 2005 by Saraswathi